gay relationship/ ?controlling or love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
gay relationship/ ?controlling or love?
11
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 10:43am

I've been involved with a woman for 6 years-almost immediately she wanted to live together. My life was a mess and I didn't feel the timing was right plus I wondered why someone would want to live with me when I was unemployed and being stalked by a crazy ex. This person stood by me, bailed me out financially, but I've always had a slightly "off" feeling. Almost "too nice" too solicitous. I thought I was jaded. And I felt guilty that she was so good to me but I couldn't commit. Supposedly she had escaped an abusive relationship so I thought she had issues but was safe.

Now 6 years later....my esteem down, subtle signs of anger that scare me-more a tone, a look, one time mocking my way of saying something...it seems alien to whom I thought she was. Also jealous of people in my life/nasty comments about others who care about me, suspicious of who and why I talk to others-although once I brought this up, she stopped {i asked her if she was having affair and she said "you have no evidence"]...I said "you're so suspicious, maybe you're the one doing something..." so she stopped asking. I have almost noone who comes to my house anymore. I recently had surgery so my sister and a friend helped a little-beside the negative comments from her was the uncomfortable feeling my friend and sister picked up....My sister felt she was "furious". But she NEVER yells. Also when I was very vulnerable she was cool and distant and finding reasons to leave my house when I was too ill and scared of being alone. The tone changed from exquisitely "romantic" to cool.

Also in arguments-I'm always wrong or accused of yelling when I raise my voice to defend myself. Things get so twisted I can't think. But then if I take a time out, I get the most incredible letters of apology for each and every sarcastic or unkind thing she said. So I kept going back....but it never changes. As soon as there's a fight it's the same crap-but then I do think it's my fault for raising my voice-but sometimes I feel so frustrated because what's being said to me makes no sense, or I feel very subtly taunted/insulted..Then she cries and I apologize, all the while feeling "what the hell just happened?"

One time she said "Stop" in this horrible tone when I was bugging her about something. I cried and said "you don't even talk to your dog in that manner"...she said she had. It felt demeaning but it was just one word nothing else-never name calling. It feels like she's someone else. She also implies I'm "crazy" and I do have mental health issues from a childhood of molestation -again it's subtle..."do you know who you're talking to?" as though I'm dissociative and don't know who she is...When I brought this up and said it was detrimental, she simply said she wanted to clarify with me.....but it "felt" like she wanted me to doubt myself.

Also has pulled my kids in and said my son was afraid of my anger-which freaked me out. I gently and subtly asked him and he said no.

She accuses me of being critical, angry, cold and hostile. I know I've gotten so frustrated I did get angry and withdrew sexually....I'm ashamed to say I did this whole big apology thing to her cause I couldn't stand the tension and the coldness. Now it's more "loving"...

But something feels off still....my friend thought she was controlling-another one said she's jealous of our friendship....
I'm getting more and more alone and focusing more and more on her. Inside I feel afraid.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 10:56am
p,s, This is the other thing that I both loved and wondered about......she has called me the most wonderful, adoring names as though I'm the "queen", even calling me queen in a different language...it felt/feels good and strange at the same time...almost like I'm on the pedestal...but by God I'd better behave that way too.i.e. perfect, always kind and benevolent...not really "real"... does this make sense?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 1:06pm

Hi Worth-rubies, welcome to the board :o)

Yes, there is many red flags in your post. Even immediatley from the beginning of your relationship there is signs. One thing you need to realize is that you are not alone here. All abusers whether they are female or male have the same abusive characteristics.

Abusers are always perfect in the beginning of the relationship. That is how they get you in the trap. That is what we all look back and see and wish it was like. You saying the "too nice" feeling is very common. It does seem a little off that they seem a little bit too perfect and always there for you. You say that she escaped an abusive situation, but maybe she twisted the story around and she was actaully the abuser? That is my thoughts on it.

I know exactly what you are feeling regarding: a look, jealousy, subtle signs on anger, twisting stories around, raising your voice, there is so much in your post that I can relate to. You are being abused by this woman... then comes the I'm sorry's and I will change. This is the abuse cycle. It goes from the honeymoon stage (I'm sorry's, I'll change, gifts) to the build-up stage and then onto the expolsion. The abuse cycle is never ending until us the victims puts a stop to it and leaves the abuser. The cycle also gets worse over time, not better. The honeymoon stage is further apart and shorter.

Another thing that you might notice is that she never takes the blame. Abusers are so quick to blame someone else. They never take responsibility for anything. We are the one that caused the fight even tho deep down we know we didn't do anything wrong. Oh and we are the one that usually says I'm Sorry near the end of the fight.

Abuers are all about power and control. That is all it is about. She is controlling you in ways that you probably don't even think about. I went thru that with my abuser. My mom always said that he is controlling me, but I never understood it.. until now that I look back and can see many red flags.

Check out this website:
http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm

Keep posting as much as you need to okay. We are all here for you
Lauren :o)

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Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 8:38pm

Welcome to the board, Rubies.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 10:28pm

Thankyou, thankyou for your response-felt uptight that the gay thing would alienate people but believe me it's the same crap...

Part of what I've been struggling with is my denial-this person can't be an abuser, ALWAYS trying to figure out what just happened, why do I feel so awful-why can't I think-it's like being in a fog...things get so twisted...and somehow I always do wrong, trying to fix it-explain, reassure...even if it's my distancing from feeling hurt is seen as my lack of committment-but I'm supposed to have empathy no matter what...and everything she says is "the truth"...

I get caught up too in the apologies and tears..."I'm so sorry" is supposed to fix it all....long letters, explanations...always a reason for everything.

My image of my partner makes me feel like she's got a whole different side that I haven't known. I even asked if she was taking out on me what her last partner supposedly did to her...abuse. She vehemently denied it...Reading other people's posts is helping but I still think "if I could just make her understand..."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 11:15pm

I'm so sorry for all that you're going through! It's so hard to recognize when it's emotional, and the scars are inside, and often we attempt to try and bury them. i'm glad you're here, cause not all abuse is physical or sexual.

My current H learned from what I shared with him, I think. I was a year out of a physically/emotionally abusive relationship. In time I shared with him what the X had done to hurt me. I stood up for myself when the physical started, that was fresh in my mind. But emotional is so hard to explain, so I know where you're coming from.

You've done nothing wrong here! You've been trying to hold this together, but you can't. Cause we're not responsible for how another person will behave. I know what you mean, cause you just wish she could understand, I wish he could understand. But, she won't, he won't. Don't worry about the "gay thing". We're all people that deserve the same rights, to be treated with respect, and consideration. People deserve love and acceptance. some will abuse that right, and manipulate. Than we can only take care of ourselves and our children, and move on.

I hope you had a quick recovery from your surgery! What was that for if you feel like sharing? In my past abusive relationship, I had a cervical procedure done, couldn't walk and was left to care for 3 children ages 6 months-4 years.

Keep posting! You will find plenty of people that understand here! Take care of you.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 9:27am

Thankyou for your help...I never thought of this as abuse-no name calling, no overt anger...but a look, a tone, a feeling of walking on eggshells, feeling like as she's supposedly describing the shi**y things I do, she's talking about herself! Trying in alienating people who have cared about me...saying disparaging comments about them or their motives...Trying to create wedges between me and my 2 young adult sons, furious that I rescued a dog from death row at the pound -she said I made decisions without taking her into account, "too independent"-but she didn't "consult" me when she got a dog. Angry when I'm going to mail packages to my kids -saying that I don't "want her involved"-although she was involved to the point that I "got in trouble" if I did it without telling her- yet she can put a package together and say, by the way do you want to send them anything? as though i can't mail something to my own boys!!!!! But on my son's 21st birthday planned a business trip the night before and couldn't help decorate the house, nor offered help in getting groceries ..she called that night and said "hope you enjoy the cake and ice cream" knowing that he'd been sick to his stomach and could barely eat soup-and the next day was pissd that she was "excluded" on his actual birthday even though we didn't go out to dinner and he did pick out a little cake but I didn't want her here after that mean-spirited crap.

Me feeling crazy-the retelling of events is so "off", me always trying to figure out how I'm so misunderstood-I think I'm a good communicator. Why am I always "in trouble". Some of it's stupid stuff but it adds up.

Also, although she apologizes for her cruelty/sarcasm...is totally offended that I take time to "jump back in"-I've explained that I'm soooo hurt-she says "I apologized, what more can I do?". I say but you do it over and over........she says I'm too quick to "jump off the train"...I say you don't get the pain you caused. And she is hyper-sensitive. One time I said "oh, grow up" and she reacted as though i called her names....

No physical stuff although she's "playfully" blocked me or pulled me close when I don't want to be touched-then acts as though I'm horrible for saying "don't touch me"....

I had my uterus taken out. It's been a bigger recovery than I anticipated. She in the beginning was very hot and cold-I felt so vulnerable relying on her-5 days after surgery she yelled at me for being too demanding-then apologized as I sobbed. Then she was very helpful and is still helping vacuum and care for dogs and get food-so I get confused. Now she's almost over solicitous, wanting me to need her.

There's still knot in my stomach-i finally initiated some sexual contact after a very, very long dry spell thinking that I haven't been a good enough partner -but I wonder if she had an affair during that time...she refers to it "when we separated" but I didn't know "we separated"-I never took off my ring, she was/is using my credit card.....

Since I've found this site
We're in couples couseling and the counselor thinks we are doing so well...I have an appt. to see her separately one time cause I feel so mixed up and can't communicate some of these things because there's always a "logical" reason for them.....

thankyou , thankyou, thankyou, please keep sending messages..Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 11:14am

Please see a domestic abuse/violence counselor. I hesitated on going, because they call it domestic violence, thought since I wasn't getting hit I was over reacting. I see you questioning yourself. I did it for years, and even now I still do if he has tears in his eyes. We don't want for anyone to hurt. But we don't deserve to either, especially not at the hands of our partners. Your gut is telling you this is wrong. I think we all lose that when in an abusive relationship, the ability to trust in our gut feelings, cause we are told we're wrong, and made to feel bad about our feelings. Please don't feel bad for needing to heal. I did the same thing, had sex cause I thought if I didn't I was a bad spouse, or he'd go somewhere else. I suspect cheating here too.

I'm sorry that recovery from surgery is taking longer than expected. I'm sure it doesn't help that you have all this to deal with. You're not being too demanding, you're recovering. I know how hard that is, a family member had their uterus out. You're not crazy. At my last Dr. appt I broke down and cried about it all, and the Dr explained to me that sometimes emotional abuse was so hard to pinpoint that it would make a woman think she was crazy. Finally it started making sense.

About your boys, don't worry about them seeing Mom making a mistake, everyone does. Like you, I was in abusive one before this one too. Try to look at it this way, so you made a mistake, how? By trusting in someone? By believing that someone would treat you with the consideration and respect that you have to offer? The way she treated you was her decision, you do not control the way she behaves. If we could control how our partners act, I'm sure we'd be having them treat us well, not so poorly! My H was taking psychology classes and actually commented that he could condition someone, no kidding! They place the blame on us and will not accept responsibility. This is not a result of anything you've done wrong. None of us are perfect, we can be oursleves, we desrve to be comfortable with ourselves. If they don't like it, why should we change it? They will just find something else.

I wore my ring for a long time too, while he didn't. During a conversation about why wasn't he wearing it he told me cause it didn't mean anything, than when I was crying said he was sorry I was upset, he didn't mean it that way. What other way is there? We're confused because they say they love us, but actions speak louder than words. They send mixed signals, and we try to decifer them to make them happy, but they never are. Couples counseling isn't a good idea with an abuser. It's not working for you, you're not healing. You're confused and trying to please her and fix this relationship, but I wish you'd go alone and have someone to talk to for yourself. I've been going for 4 months and have found it so helpful.

Keep posting! I wish you so much luck! Please just rest and take care of yourself.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 12:39pm

Hi Beth,

So much that you said in your post rang bells for me. Sooo much of what you went thru, I also went thru. It is horrible. Her trying to create wedges between your 2 sons, that is very common. She wants you all to herself and she doesn't want to share you with anybody. Whether it be family or friends. She will then make you feel guilty for spending time with your sons... when you shouldn't feel guilty. Then the wtory gets twisted around with her saying you never think about her. I went thru that ALL THE TIME! It drove me mental. My sister came to visit me and we were trying to figure out what to do for dinner. My abuser was all like you never think about me, you only think about yourself... I'm sure followed by nasty names he called me. The funny thing is that he was talking about himself. He was the one that only thought about himself. He was twisting the story around and blaming it on someone other than himself. He wouldn't take responsibility for anything. Neither will she, she doesn't think she is doing anything wrong. Also about her getting a dog without her telling you is okay.... but you getting a dog without telling her is WRONG. It is so very unfair and it makes me so mad that they do it and actually get away with it. They twist the stories around and around and we think we are going crazy.

That makes me really mad about your sons birthday. It also brings back my horrible birthday with my abuser. He never wished me happy birthday till about 4 in the afternoon. Only got me a stupid card after I kind of asked do I get a card? Called me many many nasty names on my birthday. I was planning a party, he didn't help with getting the groceries, decorating, anything!! It was all about him again. It was never about me, even on my birthday!!!!! That was actually the last straw, and we split after that episode. I have never been treated so horribly.

Another thing: About after a fight she is usually fine and dandy.. just like all abusers. The thing here is that they are only thinking about themselves. If they are fine and over the fight, everyone should be fine. They are being selfish and they don't care about anyone else's feelings about the fight.

Don't beat yourself up over falling for a wonderful, caring woman. That is what she was in the beginning of the relationship. Who wouldn't fall for anyone like that. Know what I mean. Abusers put on a show in the beginning of the relationship when they try and win someone over. We see their perfect, caring, thoughtful side. It is the angry, controlling side that shows up months later. Another thing, I hate thinking about mistakes as mistakes. Yes, they are mistakes, but I think them as learning experiences. There is no way I can go back in time and change things, so as long as I learn from them.. it is fine.

Stop going to counselling with her too. It is the wrong choice. It will make you go backwards if you are going to couselling with an abusive woman. If you want to go to counselling, then go by yourself who specializes in domestic violence. You can also call your local womans shelter and see about counselling or support groups there.

Keep your chin up :o)
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 2:49pm

Hi Carrie,

Thanks so much for the support-I've been thinking more and more about a DV counselor-but I am going to see our counselor singly one time to tell her some of this and how I'm going crazy...

I am just physically and emotionally exhausted-I have bad dreams where she complains that I'm distant and I am oh so sincere and affectionate and gently tell her I miss her but she's being abusive-and she turns and walks away.

Thanks too about the support regarding my sons. They know I had a difficult childhood and I think they know it's affected me in lots of ways. They saw me fight like hell to get out of the last relationship and go to court. I'm feeling a little better about this now-I didn't lie, cheat or abuse in this relationship, I trusted. And I've tried to mend things. I guess I have some guilt because she was always coming on to me so hot and heavy when I was being stalked and my feelings at the time weren't really matching hers....but I still thought we had a relationship and I've behaved as such.

I am sooo grateful for this board- my gut has been screaming at me. I've been so depressed and anxious like I can't think anymore...but somewhere inside I've felt even my depression/not thinking has to do with this craziness.

Right now she's being wonderful. It's not as confusing as I thought if I view abuse as cyclic....

I'll keep you posted.....how are you?? Don't mean to be self centered-just beginning to see this differently.
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 3:10pm

Hi Lauren

Why does everyone say it's a bad idea to go to therapy with partner? It's
weird no nasty names, just a meanness sometimes , that twisting things, a subtle isolating and controlling....then incredibly wonderful/generous.

It's odd too. She wants me to do things that she tells me her past abuser wanted...to put my "stuff" in storage, to put dog out in garage..that she hated...but is now asking me...if she hated it why is she asking me to do it?

This is all so shocking! We had bonded because she fled an abusive relationship , and I was being stalked/threatened and she was like a knight in shining armor helping me. Then the pressure to move in together..it didn't feel right so I kept putting it off.

Thanks for understanding and for the feedback....Beth
p.s. my head is spinning

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