Boyfriend abused as child, affect on us

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2006
Boyfriend abused as child, affect on us
3
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 3:40pm
I've been dating a wonderful man for several months and we are also very close friends. He was abused emotional, physically as a child, had depression years ago but has been through years of therapy and is doing remarkably well now. I love him so much and we have a fantastic relationship. I would, however, like advice from others who have been on either side of this type of relationship. I do see signs like him not initiating affection and being guarded, and would like to hear of others' experiences so I can learn and understand the various affects of child abuse in adult relationships.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 11:33pm

I have not been with anybody who was abused as a child. I think that my past abuser was emotionally abused as a child, but I can't say for sure. Just be on the lookout. He might be okay now and not have an abusive bone in his body.. Abuse comes from many many different factors.

Here is a link about Early Warning Signs of abusers:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&msg=12102.1&ctx=4096

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 4:19pm
My X was abused as a child and I think it had a lot to do with how he is now as an adult. Everyone is so different. The fact that your boyfriend has gone to counseling for many years to deal with the abuse is a positive sign. He may never be real affectionate and may be guarded because he does not want to get hurt by someone else he loves. It may take him more than a few months(YEARS)to develop a secure relationship with you. My concern would be if you see some very controlling behavior or anger. That may also take years to develop or for him to express. I understand your concerns and I wish I could give you a better answer. I hope things do go well for the both of you. If you have any other questions or concerns please feel free to ask.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 3:38pm
Hi - I will jump in on this one....I have gone out with and been very good friends with guys who were severely abused as kids and teens. Trust takes a long, long time with them. They were/are guarded too and seeem to play games, even though they will swear they are not. The fact he has gone to counseling is great - he isn't in denial which I think is a good thing. I think everyone is different how they handle abuse from the past, so I can't give exact advice about your boyfriend. Keep getting to know him and see what happens....