What am I doing, to myself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2006
What am I doing, to myself?
2
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 6:53pm

Hi everyone, hope your all well and safe!
I just came back from a walk, needed to breath and think about me,what am i doing? I am so confused and emotional.
I want this relationship over so why is it so hard to let go, it's stupid I'm writing to you guys right and eyes full of tears silly, huh? I was thinking maybe a move would be good for me sometimes I think I will never be happy it not in the cards for me.
I have an interview on tuesday, that's a start, right? I am calling DSS on monday and set up visitations for H, so he doesn't have to show up here at all. NO, more shopping with him, big mistake!!!! I am clear of what I want and then for a few minutes, feel guilty, why should I feel guilty he beat me, he was verbally abusive to me, why do I feel guity for trying to find my safety and peace. I am going to be honest I just want to leave Boston and find life somewhere else, but I have no idea how, and have no money.
How do you start in a new place. I needed to just write and vent, thankyou guys again for being here. I am feeling really down on myself but not enough to let him back in this house :)

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 7:14pm

Hey Lisa...

You are a lot stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. You are a strong woman and you are doing great! You are in a very difficult situation, but you are moving along. You are doing good.

It is a very normal feeling to be very emotional and to feel very guilty after leaving an abuser. Don't for one second think you are alone on that one. I felt very very guilty. But that is what he wanted. He wanted me to feel guilty. Your husband wants you to feel guilty. He wants to hurt you. They are sick sick men. It is not silly to be crying. I actually had a big cry myself this morning. I was typing about my story about my abuser and I just cried and cried. Yes, it is all over, but it still really hurts at times. But I can tell you one thing, it gets easier and easier as the time passes.

That is great news that you have an interview on Monday. Yes, it would be great to move somewhere right away and start fresh.. but take baby steps. Those will take you places, it might just take a little longer. But that is okay. Just taker easy... take it Day by Day. I have a sign in my house that says 'Today is Today' don't worry about tomorrow, or next week... just get thru today.

You know what, yes you may have made a mistake... but if you learned from it, then it is a good mistake. It is a bad mistake if you didn't learn from it. Think of it that way.

BIG (((HUGS))) to you.
Lauren :o)

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2006
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 7:37pm

Thanks Lauren,
I just get so angry at myself that sometimes I feel so strong, I am woman, hear me Roar! (is that how it goes)anyway then I feel like the worse person in the world. I am excited about my interview on tuesday, it would be great to start working and meeting different people and just having a life.
I'm sorry you cried this morning, sending you a big hug. I am so glad it's all over for you! I have alittle bit of faith that things will work out for me.

Your great,

Lisa