Verbally Abusive Mother
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| Sun, 12-10-2006 - 5:04am |
I hope I am in the right section of the message board.
I am here to rant and ask questions involving a verbally abusive mother in my family. I have never realized it when I was a child growing up. For me my mom, was just that, a mom. Until about highschool, I started noticing a mean streak with my mother. For the past 8-10 years or more my mom has been over-doing it on the drinking habits, and verbally abusing each of us in a different way.
I had always thought that maybe I was being too sensitive, but just a few years ago my older brother had told me that he experienced the same feelings and emotions that I went through. We both would cry to our, boyfriend/girlfriend and/or other friends after our mom had previously hurt us just hours before.
My dad is a victim of her abuse as well. She yells, cusses, and occasionally will hit him. But my dad just takes it. I can't stand to watch and hear it anymore.
I am 23 years old and moved away from my parents house to finally get rid of all of the stress that my mother has caused me. I cannot say that I have actually stood up to my mom, for she can be a bit scary. I did, however, send her a letter that explained everything that had bothered me and it felt GREAT to get the words out, even if they weren't spoken.
My mom has realised some things that she is doing wrong and "tries" to be the "good Mom" but most of the time she lets her feelings go and then it happens all over again.
I WANT so badly for our family to be close to each other and have a sence of comfort whenever I visit without being emotionally put down.
I'm scared for my 14 year-old brother that still lives with her. I don't want him to go through the same thing that me and my older brother did.
How can I help my mom? Or is this up to her?

Welcome Randi-Pie :o)
First of all, post as much as you like okay.
Here is the board website where you will find tons of information about Domestic Abuse:
http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm
How can you help your mom, or what can you do? I strongly believe that it is all in her power. You can say whatever you like, but she is the only one that can change. She has to want to change herself.
She is doing a lot of damage to your family. She won't take the blame, because abusers never take responsibility. Verbal and emotional bruises are burried deep deep down on our soul. They take a long time to heal compared to physical bruises. Have you been to any kind of counselling before? I sugges this because, you might yourself have a lot of bruises that are burried deep down that are still there. There is usually free counselling offered at womens shelter. I suggest that you check that out. They also have support groups that you might like to try as well.
I cannot totally relate as I have not dealt with an abusive mother or father. I have dealt with an abusive boyfriend. I can relate in some ways, but not others.
I feel that you need to talk to your father. Have you told him exactly what you are telling us? He is being abused, whether he will admit it or not. A lot of victims of abuse just ignore it and deny because it is easier to deny than admit the truth. But the sad thing is, it just gets worse as abuse always gets worse with time.
I know what you mean about standing up to abuse. I couldn't stand up to my boyfriends abuse. He was very scary when he was angry. It was just easier to take it and say sorry than try and stand up for myself... because you know what, abusers won't back down. They don't think they are doing anything wrong.
I hope others will chime in and offer you some more advice.
(((HUGS)))
Lauren
Welcome to the board Randie and yes you are in the right place.
Welcome, Randi.
My mom has also told me that her father used to physically, sexually, and emotionally abuse her when she grew up and also suffered from a drinking problem. So, it seems that she has just taken on the role of her father.
I am in NO way saying that my mom is a bad mother,though, because all of us kids grew up non-violent and I'm glad for that. When I did finally stand up to my mom though, she told me that nobody else in the family thought she was that way; so I do feel pretty bad that I'm the only one that confronted her with it.
WOW I feel like we just came from the same house hold LOL. I'm also 23 yrs old and your mother is the spitting image of my own except with out the boose. I just recently moved out of my house myself and I have been in cousenling for this. Since i've been in couseling I relaized you cant teach an old dog new tricks-meaning your mother has been this way for yrs and I highly doubt no matter how hard your or her or anyone else trys to change her it's not going to happen. I relaized my mother wasn't normal yrs ago and i tryed the letters and crying to her , she would change for a day or two but then go right back to her own ways. There is some issues that these woman have that we will not understand because they dont even want to admit themselves that they have a problem. I know you are worried about your younger brother, I have an 18 yr old brother who is stuck with my mother. But there is nothing you can do at this point about that but let time takes its course for when he is older to move out and if he feels the same way you do when he does thats when you can lend a hand to him as for now the only thing you can do is write your mother off to better yourself and then when your stronger within yourself it wont hurt to say "hi how r u doing" other than that she doesn't deserve anything else. I recently bought this book called "Toxic Parents, Over coming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life" by susan forward. I've never been into self help books but let me tell you .....this book is my life story and if you just go to the book store and at least just read the back of it I know that you will buy it. Maybe we can be pen-pals and help each other out so reply back. I hope you understand what i am trying to tell you from one home thats messed up to another :) Good luck
Amy
Haha! We ARE a lot alike. So, I have to ask you. Where did you go to seek counceling and how much did it cost you? I have no medical insurance at the moment and my financial situation is kind of low. I still need to earn more money. :P But I think that I DO need counceling, for I get emotionally unstable at times. I get angry and depressed at little things a lot. And I am always worried about turning into my mother. I even fear of having chilren because I'm afraid I might do the same thing to them without realising it.
The book sounds great! I'll look for it at my local Barnes and Noble. :)
This post caught my attention, because I come from a family of drinking screamers, too.
Keep in mind that screaming, like ultimatums, is the sign of someone feeling out of control, who attempts to maintain perceived control by threat and intimidation. Taking the abuse reaffirms the success of such behavior. Children don't have options, but adults do. Keep this in mind in your own, future relationships.
My husband, who also comes from a household governed by Fear of Father's Anger knows if I were to break out in a scream he should call the looney bin. I don't yell, but I have to be careful not to rip you a new one using words and a tone you have to look up to discover you've been severely judged. Luckily, he's not a screamer, either. He developed the I-don't-care shell very, very early. We work on that together. :) I digress.
Help your mom? No. Not the way you'd like to. Help usually translates into "change." That's up to her.
However. You have choices.
First, your younger brother. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. How he needs to know it's not him. That he is a smart, handsome kid. That he is NOT a loser, stupid, screw-up, blah blah blah. You know the drill, I'm sure. Let him know that the only way he can control the screaming is to walk away. Oh, she'll follow him, probably screaming, "Don't you DARE WALK AWAY FROM ME," but he can. He needs to trust in himself, which is tough when you're constantly invalidated. But the important thing is to let him know it's NOT him and he's not alone.
Verbal abuse victims also grow up with a huge need to please. Often this results in early, sexually inappropriate relationships, early marriage and pregnancy, juvenile criminal records, gang memberships, all kinds of things where the victim receives recognition for being cool, smart, dangerous, brave, and ironically, able to project an image of not caring what others thing. THAT shell is easily learned at home.
So talk to him. Let him know he ALWAYS has you and you love him.
As far as you feeling bad that you wrote the letter? Get over it. You're the only one with the 'nads to do so, frankly. Take consolation that you DID tell her. It offers you the foundation to walk away. To break the victim pattern. You can say or think, "By this screaming and abuse, I see you have no interest in my feelings or the letter. I choose not to stay to endure it." We can change their behavior by how WE change our reactions to abuse. ie, can't change 'em, gotta work on ourselves.
If counseling is financially unavailble, believe it or not, I STRONGLY recommend Al-Anon. Al-anon is for people living with abuse. Sure, their focus is alcohol abuse, but the principles can be applied to any kind of abuse. I can tell you it changed my life because it changed how *I* reacted to abusive behavior. I also feel anyone who has a teenager should go through Al-Anon, but that's another rant.
Anyway, those meetings are free. You never have to talk if you don't want to, but the ideas of how to deal with a drunk/abuser are like a life saver to a drowning person.
As for your dad? He is an abuser by permitting this to go on. Sorry, but it's true. You can feel sorry for him, but he's been the grown-up who can make choices. Ironically, many victims are abusers when it comes to their children. It's called abuse by "Failure to Protect." Men have it tough, though, because it's socially weird to claim abuse. Like there's something wrong with their manhood because their wife could give them brain damage during a tirade with a frying pan. I digress again. Your dad has choices, too. Doing nothing is unfortunately one of them. Your breaking the pattern might give him a glimmer of how things don't need to be.
Once again, the key to changing the chain of abuse is talking about it.
Keep talking, sweetie.
C.