Is he messing w/ my head?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Is he messing w/ my head?
8
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 8:10pm

Hi I'm lonelygirl. I live w/ my dh of 5 years, my 2 boys, 2 yrs old & 4 yrs old. I work p/t at a nonprofit (16 hrs a wk), but other than that, I quit my full-time job back in January to become a SAHM.

We have been together for 5 years, the first 2-3 years were horrible. Just fighting day in/day out, probably 90% of that time he wasn't speaking to me. He would complain about everything because I didn't clean, because I didn't cook, when I did cook it wasn't good enough. At the beginning I didn't know how to cook much, but I was so eager to try. After years of that, my self esteem is so freaked out that I no longer enjoy cooking and for a long time barely even tried. He doesn't understand how much he hurt my self esteem and he just thinks that I'm lazy. A major sore point in our relationship was money.

We always fought over money because I would spend so much of it. We would fight, I would feel depressed, I'd go out and blow money that I shouldn't have spent. He'd find out about it. We'd argue again and I'd go shopping again. Simple, just rinse and repeat.

The past 2 years have been better than the other 3 put together. I have somewhat pulled myself together, but even then I fall short. We rarely argue anymore, but when we do, he just stops talking to me for days which drives me up the wall and makes me feel so depressed and alone that I always end up saying I'm sorry even when it's not always me that messed up.

Lately I've been reading up on dave ramsey, have really been working hard on our finances, couponing, stretching our money to the max, cooking from scratch, just generally trying to be a good housewife, but now I'm fearing that it's bringing more problems into my life.

I pay all the bills and work w/ his paycheck and everything and I thought he would be so happy now that I'm really working to maximize and make the best use of our money. Well last week he flipped out when he realized that I'd used about $80 that had been pulled into the savings account to pay bills. He said that he thought I had said I wasn't going to use it. I wasn't planning on it, but he "borrowed" some of our bill money, so I thought it would be okay if I borrowed the $80 to pay bills and replaced it when he replaced the bill money (confusing enough for u?).Anyways, long story short, he flipped out when he realized it and didn't let me explain nor did he talk to me all week long. Saturday I begged him to please talk to me, at least tell me why he's mad, I can't fix things if I don't know what's wrong. NOthing. He wouldn't even bat an eyelash at me. So I said forget it. We went to sleep and in the middle of the night he wanted sex. Now, please forgive me, I know this is TMI, but he really likes an*l intercourse. I don't like it, it's painful for me, I don't enjoy it, but I gave him to patch things up.

Which brings me to our next issue. the an*l intercourse is a constant sore point between us, he likes it, I don't it's painful. I'm willing to compromise, but it's like the more I give in, the more he wants it and it's like he's never satisfied. This just doesn't give me what I need in regards to sexual needs and he just doesn't understnad that it's a two-way street.

So yesterday he was generally happy, but at night he woke up and wanted an*l intercourse again, I got upset because it's like he doesn't give a hoot how painful it is to me, all he cares about is having his sexual needs met. So I turned him away and he got pissed. I try to patch things up by giving in, but he wouldn't even talk to me. This morning amazingly he was still talking to me. He dropped me off at work and took our car in to get serviced. I got to work and realized that I didn't charge my cell phone. I'm a temp at my job so he really only calls me on my cell phone. Well when it was close to leaving, I called and asked him what time he was coming because my cell phone was dead. He said ok. About a half hour later I call him to see if he's on his way and he answers the phone and asks me why the f* I didn't pick up my f*ing phone, what the hell do I carry a phone for, that he's gona take away my phone cuz obviously I don't need. He's telling me all this while I'm at my desk and I'm trying so hard to keep my composure because there's a temp in front of me and trying to cover the phone enough so that nobody can hear him yelling at me. It was so embarrassing. So he picked me up,d ropped me off at home and he's once again not speaking to me. He left my phone here after all, but I just didn't think that it was such a big deal. Sometimes I call him and he doesn't answer and it's annoying, but things happen.

I don't know what to deal. He doesn't physically abuse me, but I feel like this is verbal abuse and emotional abuse. He completely stops talking to me. I already suffer from depression, but this doesn't help. I hate it being december and I'm so freaking depressed and he's treating me like cr*p. I feel so stupid and like I'm just not capable of doing anything on my own anymore. I'm a good woman, I don't go out, my whole world is my family and I'm still not good enough. As for the an*l intercourse, I don't enjoy it and he does nothing to help me enjoy intercourse either. Everytime he does it it just feels like he's raping me because there's no intercourse or anything. He doesn't help me out at all at home w/ the kids, housework, shopping, NOTHING, so basically he's just a paycheck to me. When he suggested I stop working, I felt bad because I wouldn't be pulling in my weight anymore, but then I stopped to think that I might as well, I mean when I had a f/t job I still had to work AND be responsible for everything at home.

Sorry if t his turned into a book, but I'm desperate for help. I don't know what to do or if I'm overreacting but surely this can't be what a marriage is like, can it? I'm on a desperate plan to finish paying of our car by march or april. once I get rid of that payment and get a f/t job, then I think I swing being on my own.

-lonelygirl79

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 10:23pm

Welcome to the board lonelygirl :o)

There are definitley some warning signs in your post. 1 thing I notice for sure is that he does not respect you or your feelings. It is all about him. He is selfish, just like all abusers.

"He would complain about everything because I didn't clean, because I didn't cook, when I did cook it wasn't good enough." ***Nothing is ever good enough for abusers. You might notice in other parts of your life of what he complains about, or won't let you do because it is wrong. It isn't you that has the problems, it is him!! Nothing is ever good enough for abusers. No matter how hard we try, it just won't be good enough.

I hate the feeling of being ignored. I have gone thru that with my past abuser and it is horrible. There is just so much tension in the air... and we can't do anything to make it all better. Oh, well we end up being the ones to apologize, even tho deep down we know we aren't the ones that should be sorry.

About the an*l sex. He is not even thinking about you at all!!! He is only thinking about himself and his needs. He is a very selfish selfish man!! If he respected you and cared for you like he said he does, then he would respect you for not wanting to have a**l sex! He is sexually abusing you.

Here is the board website for you to check out. There is tons and tons of information on there. http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm

The thing about verbal and emotional abuse is that it is very damaging. The bruises form on our soul and are burried deep deep down. Verbal abuse destroys our self esteem. Verbal abuse is very damaging and can take a long time to fully heal after the abuser is gone.

I do not think you are overreacting at all. I am glad you came and posted. One more thing, your children are involved directly in the middle of the abuse. You need to think about their well being as well as your own. They are learning from their father... which is a bad thing.

Post as much as you like to okay.
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 12:16am

OK I did like the conclusion to your message about leaving him when you get the car payed off. But everything else I heard is very abusive in alot of ways. I've been in some abusive relationships before and now that i've rose above i like to help other women who are going through this! One - you know what he is doing is not right, the intercourse and you giving in Is RAPE! When you give in that is by law still rape. It's against your will so there for its illegal what he is making you do. Now the other thing that is disturbing me is not once did you mention how your kids are feeling through all of this and dont think that just because they aren't around when it happens that they dont know what is going on even at thier age. When i was younger and my parents where fighting I knew even if i wasn't there at the time i still felt the vibes and it did mess with my head as a child. Honey you know he doesn't love you if he's treating you this way. Find the door and save you and your children and get some help for you and your kids because all he is doing is ruining everything good that comes from you and them and i can sense that you are stronger than this ...you just need to put that first foot in the front of you and all the rest will fall into place!! Good luck

amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 9:48am

Lauren, thanks for your advice. Although things are probably 75% better than they were years ago, there's a lot still wrong w/ us and at this point I'm just not sure he will change. I know I'm not perfect, but I gosh darn know that I really try hard. Ive taking a 360 degree turn in regards to money. I've become frugal and am really trying to learn to take care of money. As far as cooking, I'm still not a good cook, but I"m trying to get past the feelings of "not being a good enugh cook so why even try" and cooking for our finances and for our family's health too.

As far as our home life, it's normally pretty good, but like I said sometimes he gets upset at the stupidest things, like the phone thing. I try to keep things as normal as I possibly can for my children. He works nights, so that's awesome because during the week we only see each other for a short period of time. Every other weekend he works weekends too so he sleeps all day, but this past weekend was his weekend off and although I tried to ignore the fact that he's not speaking to me, you're right it's just more tension than a person can bear. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around him.

My little one (2 yr old) is literally joined at the hip w/ me and can't even stand for him to touch me, not hit me or anything, but hug me, kiss me, nothing and I think that deep down my dh resents it. I've noticed he favors my 4 yr old a lot. I'm all for giving and making a marriage work, but it just feels a little too one-sided to me. It feels like I'm doing all the work. I know he works and he works very hard; however, that's not all a marriage and family needs.

lonelygirl79

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 1:45pm

You know what, I don't think abusers will ever change. Yes, there is a 1% chance of abusers changing BUT that is with long term therapy and counselling, wanting to change and willing to change. A lot of abuser will drop out because it is just too much work. 1% chance... that is not very high!!! Yes, abusers will always say they will change, but that is a crock of sh*t. They say that to get us back in the trap. They don't ever intend on actually changing... it is a trick.

Abusers seem to blow up on the littlest things. If it doesn't go their way, they will be mad... it is always something so stupid they get mad over. It is usually a build-up of numerous things that cause the explosion. Sure is walking on egg shells.

yes, you are doing all the work in your marriage. Yes, he will say that he is doing all the work, but he's not. My abuser used to say how he always bends over backwards for me, and I was shocked when he said that... because I was the one to bend over backwards for him ALL THE TIME!!

Anyways... that's about it for now. Post whenever you need to vent or cry. we are all here for you.
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 7:22pm

Lonelygirl, I'm going to be blunt about this: if you feel you have to let him do this painful and degrading thing to you to avoid abuse, it is rape.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 2:19pm

Gawd.
With your head, your body, your children, your life.

"As for the an*l intercourse, I don't enjoy it and he does nothing to help me enjoy intercourse either. Everytime he does it it just feels like he's raping me because there's no intercourse or anything."

Dearheart, how would you define rape if that wasn't it?
Once again, what would you tell your daughter if this were going on?

Your child, joined at the hip, is suffering from the abuse going on in the home. People think they can hide it from the kids, or he never hits me in front of them. blah blah blah. Symptoms of domestic violence show up in infants. Restlessness, inability to stay asleep when their patterns should be forming, illness. Unfortunately, older kids don't know enough to realize it's not their fault. They become "clingy" or afraid to be independent. Sometimes "forgetting" how to walk. They can't fix (like you) the situation by being perfect, getting good grades, being quiet, etc. They can become broken at a very early age.

Frankly, I think you could make it on your own. You work. You have the awareness of the situation and you know it isn't right. You just need to stop making excuses for him. Start putting money of your own away. Drink one less pop and put that 75 cents into an account. Use a friend's address -- unless he's succeeding in alienating all of them to isolate you. While clipping coupons, 50% for the household, 50% for your children's future. Start saving. You might not be ready to leave this selfish sick-o right now, but wouldn't it be nice to have something put away for when you have to?

He's not going to change because he doesn't need to. He gets what he wants through intimidation and physical abuse. You can't stop him, evidently even in bed. You cave to the silent treatment, which is a total control issue. Frankly, I'd love it if someone like that didn't talk to me. It would mean you weren't fighting. Look how much you enjoy your life when he's at work or asleep. How did you develop your own need-to-please, BTW?

C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 1:23pm
Yes, he is messing w/your head. My H used to do the same exact things, give me the silent treatment for days at a time-until I finally gave in and said sorry-even though I had nothing to be sorry about.
I've been w/him for 13 yrs and have 4 kids together. Just in the past few months I've decided that leaving him is what i need to do. He knows this, and things are a little better, but wont ever change completly. He also I'm a bad housewife, mother, etc...he always notices the days when i'm busy and not much gets done, but when i have everything sparkling clean, he just walks in and doesn't notice.
I think our situations are the same in a way. Sex for me is the same ....I don't want it
I feel like I have to give it to him or he gets mad and wont talk to me. He has to have it all the time and I don't remember the last time I actually approached him for it. It feels more like a task, more like part of my job.
He calls me at work and yells , checks up on me with everything i do,gets mad when i buy things fo myself and says i will never find anyone as good as him. These men are sick and need serious help. It's not you, it's him and i wish you luck if you decide to leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 6:35pm

Merimac13-
sounds like our h's are a lot alike. It always seems like he has no problem figuring out the things i do wrong, but when I actually do something right, nobody notices or cares for that matter. It sucks, it makes me feel like I'm the world's worst mom and wife, when deep down I know that some men would do anything for a wife like me.

As for sex, OMG, having my period is about the only thing that can stop him, so needless to say, every month I milk it for all it's worth.

Nowadays he doesn't get mad often, he doesn't check up on anyomore, in a way things are better than they've ever been, but still they're not perfect and there's many things that just aren't right. I've decided to leave, but as I stated before, I'm only working p/t right now. I can't get any welfare help because I have about $10k in my 401K and they expect me to take my money out of my retirement savings and spend all of that before they will help me and well that's just plain stupid. I've applied for a f/t position at my current employer so hopefully that will come through after the new year. Now that I've discovered Dave Ramsey and have taken control of my expenses, I know that I can make it as long as I have a f/t job. So I'm working on that and working on paying off as much debt while I'm still w/ him, but this year is it. This is the year that I retake control of my life, no doubt about that.

I'm tired of feeling like crap 24/7. I deserve better and so do my children. He's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Most of the time he's really awesome, but it's just that short amount of time when he's an a** that is just doing me in and doing away w/ all of my love for him.

lonelygirl