feel sick inside
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feel sick inside
| Wed, 12-13-2006 - 10:57am |
I confronted my partner with the feeling I have that she's cheating on me-already emtionally always on a rollercoaster-she was all lovey and is now furious and angry .....saying I'm crazy and imagining things.
I know I'm not-and even so the trust is lacking-plus she's always "right" or apologizes and I'm just supposed to bounce back. Even if I am wrong wouldn't she be reassuring to me or want to know why I think that? rather than angry??????? I'm so hurt. Plus my cat is ill and may need to be euthanized-I can barely take it.

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Hi Beth,
Some big ((HUGS)) coming your way. It really does feel like a rollercoaster eh? It is horrible. Just always ups and downs.
Abusers always turn the tables and say that we are crazy. You will probably hear that a lot on these boards. They turn the whole story around to make it seem like they are perfect. We are not the crazy ones though. They are. I will tell you that a million times, because that is the truth.
Of course the trust is lacking, because there is no trust from the abuser. The abusers will always have a problem with trust... even if you tell them 50 times that you are sorry for what happened and it will never happen again... they won't buy it. They will never be able to trust complety. Abusers have such low self esteem, that is why they abuse. It makes them feel better to hurt the people they love. Twisted eh?
I know the feeling about how they apologize and everything is just peachy again! They are fine with it, so we should be to. But it doesn't work that way. They aren't even thinking about our feelings. They are only thinking about their feelings. She is selfish, my abuser was selfish... it will never change.
Lauren
What she "should" be doing is irrelevant.
The important thing is that you know in your heart what is happening. Sometimes we just don't want to face it because we don't want to have to handle it. You have to choose.
On the other hand, what you describe here says to me that she's trying to make preemptive strikes. On yet another hand, not knowing you, have you SEEN her with someone else, or are you a jealous person? Sorry. It's a fair question, don't you think? Finding someone else's boxers under the bed or in the fish tank is a dead giveaway, though.
On the other note, I'm praying for you and your little cat. I have 7 myself. We had a fire last year and we lost 3 of our then-6, and 1 of our 3 dogs. I know the fear and devestation of losing a bundle of amazing, unconditional love. A companion whose been there for you!
I don't know if it'll help, but there are emergency referral hospitals that do amazing things for sick pets. It doesn't come cheap, but lives can be saved. Once of my kitties spent 3 weeks in intensive care oxygen, then 4 weeks on a feeding tube. My regular vet couldn't and didn't even try to provide this specialized care. He's got some lung damage in 2 lobes, but he's happy, healthy now, and as snuggly as ever.
Hang tight.
C.
I'm so sorry about your cat! I can't imagine losing our dog. She's a mut, but the most lovable thing, good with all my kids and the ones I sit for.
I don't have any advice about the suspicion of her having cheated on you. I suspect H has, but have no proof. Doesn't matter for me now though. You probably would be concerned and open to communication about the subject if it was you being confronted. You have confronted an abuser, hard to say. Could just be turning things around, or could've cheated. Either way I think would be the same response. They're not open to accepting responsibility for anything, your feeling or their actions. I never confronted H, knew it would be head games or a fight. I shut down and shut up so there wouldn't be a fight in front of the kids.
I used to feel bad, cause I knew he couldn't trust people. But know neither one of you has trust in the other. I'm so sorry. Cause I know what that feels like. At least you tried! I'm sorry you're hurt, we're here for you!
Carrie
I love you guys!!!!! It is confusing and at times I feel lost. The tables turn and I don't know up from down.....I always want to give more chances.
Am I jealous? No. In fact other people have cheated and it took forever for me to see it....there has been a lot of softer evidence i.e. i ask "are you cheating"..the response "you have no evidence" not i love you and would never do that to you..., doesn't know my voice on the phone....says "keep talking" to discern if it's me.....not even saying my name, not wanting me on a street close to her house ....
I e-mailed why I feel like I do, how rejected I often feel....now she's all lovey-dovey....sorry she's hurt me and that her best isn't "good enough"....but may not be so lovey when I change locks and discontinue credit card .....
The kitty is in a vet specialty clinic right now-very pricey but I hope they can save him. I have 2 dogs, parrot and turtle and fish....I lost our favorite cat 2 years ago and this is sooo painful. I told them to find out what's wrong and see if he can recover. The vet did think it could be cancer....they're doing ultrasound/biopsy.
I'm taking it one day one moment at a time.....it's weird. I'm afraid to close the credit card and then I bought a holiday gift for her. Want to change my locks and am afraid it will insult her, and that I'm over reacting.
Think she's lovey-but then fear she's all about winning/competition....thank you for listening. Beth
Prayers for kitty. Especially around the holdays, I really hope you get good news!
I wouldn't worry about changing the locks if she has a problem with you being on her street. Wouldn't worry about the CC if she can't recognize your voice. I know it's easier said than done though. The best isn't good enough comment, I've heard and read that a few times myself. Just remember, you deserve to be listened to and have your opinions and concerns heard and considered.
Keep taking it one day at a time. I don't think you're over reacting to anything, your suggestions sound perfectly reasonable to me. Let us know how the cat is doing.
Take care,
Carrie
Oh. My. God, Beth.
Can she do ANYTHING more to confirm the fact that you don't matter?
Sorry to be so harsh, but have you READ what you wrote?
Cancel the d@mned credit card. Burn the gift on her lawn.
She's made it pretty clear that there are other people in her life if she has to go through that humiliating game to determine just who of her many lovers is calling.
Honey, you've got far too much going for you to waste your time on someone who doesn't hold you as No. 1 in her life. Good God.
I can see why she's all lovely dovey. Would you want a free line of credit cancelled?
Some people need to have people chasing them for them to feel secure and important. Some people need to be treated like crap so they feel better when the other is nice.
Some people would take a look at this whole thing and shake you.
I'm praying for your baby kitty as I pet one of mine. We're all healthy at the moment, although Kharma has a stinky butt. She's too fat to clean it well and I'm just not up to it all the time. Talk about a subservient relationships!!
C.
You guys are saving my life!!! And I mean it. I'm so anxious and depressed I can barely stand it-slept 2 hours last night.
The lock shop is on it's way to change my locks. I cancelled the CC this A.M. ..and I just e-mailed her to say the card has been discontinued.....I feel shaky -it's also that I need to eat. The pain is pushing me forward though and the encouragment of you all. C. I had to smile when I read your post-I'd be screaming at me too. I guess this is a result of 6+years with her and a DV/Stalker for 5 years before that . I'm exhausted. And just about crawling on my belly-"don't hurt me". Yuck.
My kitty underwent surgery this A.M. for a possible obstruction vs.mass. It's cancer. After the lock change I'm going up there to give him kisses and hold him when they euthanize him . My heart's breaking. But it's a bad cancer and the prognosis is very poor. I don't want him to suffer. And it's very painful.
I'm one hurting person. Thankyou for listening. Keep me in your prayers. I feel so lonely. Tonight's the first night of Chanukah and I'm alone-my son not home from college until next Friday. I'll light the candles and talk to some supportive people/go to an Al-Anon meeting.
She keeps e-mailing me angry stuff....how I'm not compassionate or understanding, all the things I do wrong . Started reading the Lundy Bancroft book last night-it's very helpful..I'm thinking about all you, too. Maybe I'll go back to men :).
xo
Beth
Those are some big, brave steps. And very very difficult ones.
It's going to be tough, but don't you think 6 years of God knows what is enough? If each excuse or mean thing were a penny, I'd bet you could pay off that credit card.
Al-Anon is a good thing. Any abuse is a substance in my book. If you go and substitute emotional abuse for alcohol abuse, I'm willing to bet you'll find some tools there, too. Saved my head in many cases!
Now, 'nother big step? Block her email. Period. You have no reason to put yourself through her very unappropriate anger. Mad because you cancelled YOUR card, you were (crazy) gracious enough to let her use for howwwwwwwwww longgggggggg?
Don't let yourself become overwhelmed with any "I shouldn't"s, OK? No matter what you do to exert independence, she's going to be mad. It's a control thing, sweetie pie.
I know in the scope of life, a faceless post on a message board shouldn't count as much (HA!) but I'm proud for you.
I am SO sorry about your baby. Can you give him a big fat can of salmon first? If he'll eat. I have had 2 kitties go from cancer and they're never just little cancers. It seems like when kitties show illness, it's because it's gotten very serious. Tell him out loud how much you love him and will miss him. They know. I know you know.
What's his name?
Have a safe evening and pamper yourself, please. You deserve it.
C.
Beth,
I just reread your last post before this.
Your last line stated that "Think she's lovely."
In your heart, I believe you know beauty comes from within. Anyone who loves experiences this.
When you step back, take a deep breath, and look at this situation from the perspective of someone who loves and hurts for the way you're letting yourself be treated? (That was long, wasn't it?) Do you still think she's lovely?
I'm thinking someone with the heart to love her pets to the point of distraction is more beautiful and shines out more than the person you described to us.
Just my opin-onion.
C.
Carrie...
Sometimes changing the locks is very empowering, don't you think?
Plus, who needs some nut case having a little to drink and deciding to go "read Beth the riot act." Or something like that.
When someone undesireable has your key? Change 'em.
Just my opin-onion
C.
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