p.s. also doubting self

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
p.s. also doubting self
17
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 11:20am
how does this happen? It gets all twisted up-anger at me for saying I was feeling a lack of trust-like it's my fault! It's gotten so crazy in the past that I've apologized for making a "fuss". How/why do we doubt ourselves so easily??????? I'm trying to tell myself it's a "tactic" so I apologize and "make it all better".........I need some words of kindness and wisdom....Beth

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 12:54pm

His abuse is not yours to take credit for, but sometimes we get tricked in to thinking it is.

The way he treats you makes you question your self-worth and you need to see that you are far more valuable than he sees. You need to beleive that, even if he doesn't and when you make that one simple change you will start to see your self sticking up for your self instead of caving in and fighting for what you belive is true. Being in a relationship that makes you question who you are is simply not healthy for YOU. It doesnt matter if it is good for him. It isn't good for you.

If he wont get that, eventually, you will. You have to make the decision to value yourself. Sometimes that is tough to do. I understand exactly what you are going through, but the thing is you are not wrong. He is. He is abusive and controlling and wrong. Please let me know if I can help.

Lisa

WWW.IDUMPEDMYBOSS.COM
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 1:34pm

Hi Beth,

It is not your fault for what is happening. I am not sure if she always tells you that it is your fault or not... but it is not your fault. She is an abuser and she is at fault here. She is the problem here, not you. Even if you told her she is the problem, she won't accept that and she will deny deny deny. It is never the abusers fault, they are just perfect in their own eyes. They bend over backwards for us.... but they don't. We do!

You will start to see that everything in your abusers eyes is twisted. They twist everything around and blame us. That is how they do it. They have such a convincing way of saying things to make us feel bad and say sorry. I used to just say sorry, because it was just easier to deal with. Deep down I knew that I wasn't the one that should be sorry. But you know what, if I did try and stand up it would have caused a bigger fight, and would never end until I said sorry. See what I mean, they always have to be right!

Abusers mess with our heads. They make us feel worthless. They make us have no self esteem, they destroy that. They do make us doubt ourselfs, so try not to feel like you are alone, because you are far from it. I still doubt myself, but I am getting better. It sucks... it really sucks that we have to doubt ourselfs.

Hugs Beth
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 2:00pm

I used to do all the apologizing too. When someone witholds affection or gets angry, we obviously love the people we're with, wo don't want to fight, we want them to be happy. We can't make them happy, every thing we try to fix, well something will be wrong with that or they'll move onto something else. It's always going to come back on you. But it's not you! It took time for you to feel this way, and it will take time for you to heal. But hang in there, cause slowly I'm feeling better and I know you will. You have support now. How are you feeling since your surgery? Did you get the CC back? Just wondering. Hope you're recovery is going a little better. If you posted and I missed anything about that, sorry. Thanks for your support and response to my last post!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 1:56pm

Thanks Lauren. It does mess with my head...it's like she's in my head. No wonder I get so anxious. And feel blamed. I believe it's me, and then feel crazy.

Thank you for the hug...onternet or not it feels good!! :)
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 2:28pm

Hi Carrie,

I'm feeling better from the surgery-am taking off more time than I thought I would and my boss isn't happy-but I told her I can't be on my feet all day. It's hard for me to stand up, or it "meaning something" it doesn't mean...and then the locks. They go hand in hand for me but then I feel like I'm being paranoid. There has never been physical violence of any kind.

How are you? And your kids? I'm glad I can reach out and be of some help/support to others. This is such a lonely, despairing place to be. And if I feel all alone-like she'd like I'm truly desperate for her companionship. And I know others feel that way. I've gotten moved to tears when I read some of the posts.

Are you still at "the" house? How is he towards you? I've got to catch nup new posts so maybe I'll find out! And still let me know. My thoughts, my prayers, my best wishes and some healing energy is aimed to you and your children,

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 10:07am

Hi Beth,

I can't imagine recovering is any easier with all the stress you're going through. I'm glad your taking the time to get better, your boss will get over it!

I still question whether or not my situation is abusive. Even wondered if I was the abuser, I've called him names before. I take out my papers from VRC, and the letters he's written to remind myself of what this relationship really is. I understand about it not being physical, but will let you know that my last long term relationship was physical, and much easier to define as abusive. This emotional one is no less painful because I haven't been hit recently. No physical pain other than my anxiety, but deep down this has changed me, and hurt so deeply I can't explain. Reagrdless of what the relationship is, it lacks trust and respect, and life is too short to live that way.

I understand you feeling paranoid, and being afraid. You're in my prayers! Have you read the book the others have recommended? Why Does He Do That? I've looked a few places and haven't found it. I'm sure H would love to find that lying around. He found my papers from VRC, I was keeping them in the van with my safe and he took the kids sledding and found them in there! I'll search the library catalog. Lauren's posted from it, so you've probably read some. Was thinking it might help us both to see the similarities in our partners.

Thanks for asking about the kids and I. We're hanging in there. I'm focusing all my time and attention on them, it's a great distraction from his games. We're at the house. Had a big guilt trip cause the night I stayed at my Mom's, we all had to sleep on the floor, leave at 6am to make it to school, and youngest DS fell asleep in class. I'm here, I don't talk to him, if I have to I'm polite, and I ignore his comments and actions. I'm really sorry you are missing out on the companionship you deserve, I know how lonely it is. That's how it will always be though, whether you're together or not. Your posts and responses are greatly appreciated!

How are your boys? Sending prayers your way, stay strong, cause even though it doesn't feel like it, you're much stronger than you think right now. Some healing energy coming your way too!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 2:25pm

Hi Carrie,

Thanks for your posts-I need to hear what you say. I feel shaky from everything going on. But I keep moving forward. The lock smith is on his way. I can't believe this is happening. I simply can't believe it. And I'm scared too. She will never believe I'm doing this!
The emotional stuff is so hard-it's painful AND crazy making. I'm told we can't make love until "we're partners"-so I wrote back , then whatt are we? I wore rings, she was included in just about all family events. I gave her a CC to use-she paid on it...In fact I've done hardly anything without her for the past years as she's always there or I've been too depressed to go out .

I'm glad you're doing o.k. Thanks for sharing that you wondered if you were the abuser. I've gotten really hurt and angry and raised my voice but haven't said anything worse than "you're rude" or "grow up" or "I think you're lying..." Maybe once or twice sworn. But nothing awful. I'm told I'm abusive. I just started the book by Bancroft-I stayed up until 4a.m. and then got up at 6A.m. My sons don't know what's going on. But my stepdaughter here in town does. I am not ready yet to talk to them-haven't figured it out.

Don't have guilt trip about kids...you're giving them a precious and life long gift. Self-esteem, a role model for courage, and how to stand up for oneself.

Take good care, keeping you in my thoughts and prayers too. Thanks for saying I'm stronger than I think. After the lock smith I need to go to the vet and say goodbye to my kitty. I'm going to change my sheets tonight so that my bed is clean and safe, even if catless and other than me people-less, ...
I am lonel;y and afraid. And I know it won't be forever.

xo Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 9:07pm

I'm so sorry Beth. You'll feel shaky for awhile if you're anything like me. You shouldn't feel bad about the changes you've made, but I understand why you do. You've given all of yourself. You just have to look forward to the day you'll meet someone who'll give you all of that in return, it WILL happen. I understand, she won't believe, H doesn't believe. H filed, but told me it could be stopped at anytime, he's freaking out cause I haven't asked him to stop it. I look foward to it!

On top of all this you lost your cat, and your boys are away. But you're a great person, it had to be so hard for you today. Feeling depressed, well you should probably see a counselor just for you, cause it can't hurt anything. Did you know that depression is a symptom of domestic abuse? If you can't get out to see someone there are 800 #'s. The DV line is 1-800-799-SAFE, they'll listen, but they'll also have #'s for DV counselors in your area. I've found it very helpful, please look into it. I'm glad the book is helping, I still have to check the library.

I haven't really discussed it with my kids yet, trying to figure out how, when. H left at 7:30 and the kids have company, so I'm putting off asking how we should tell the kids. All 6 of them. I love him not being here.

I hope you're able to sleep tonight, prayers.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:29am

Hi Carrie,

I do think my depression has to do with the DV.

I saw her at the park-she lives close to me. She asked if she could give me a hug about the kitty. I said yes and cried. We talked about 10 minutes. Then she said can I ask you a question. I said yes. She asked "do you still believe I'm having an affair"-Great-right after I'm crying about euthanizing my kitty....I said "if not right now I believe you did".....she got angry and confrontive and at first I said well then let's go walk to that street ...and she had to pause and then said ok [I figured this new person was out or doing something so that the area was "safe". I walked away. It is so hurtful. I don't know why she just can't say "yes, I'm having an affair" but i guess it would ruin all the fun of tormenting me.

Then she called to apologize and asked if I wanted to go to a community Menorah lighting. I didn't want to be in the same car so I said I'd meet her there. well she almost cancelled, some BS excuse about parking but then came and had gifts. I don't know why I went...lonely, hopeful, wishing??? But I also felt detached from her and had fun with the music and I could tell she wasn't happy. She must be feeling some dismay at her victim beginning to escape. i think the best revenge I can have is to move on, be happy and some day be in a healthy loving relationship.. i don't think abusive people can ever be happy-

At the same time I feel kind of numb. I can't believe how my thopughts about her have changed....i.e. that I'm describing my partner as an abuser. I will call the local DV-my regular therapist has not helped me alot with this.

I'm so happy you're at the point and in the space of simply being glad he's gone! And not longing/missing. Did it take a lot to get to that place in your mind?

Take good care, thanks for all your prayers and good wishes. This site is so nurturing and supportive. It's kind of funny in that we don't "see" each other but we really do, and we care!!
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:45am

"i think the best revenge I can have is to move on, be happy and some day be in a healthy loving relationship.. i don't think abusive people can ever be happy-"

I just had to come and post about the above statement you made. It is sooo true!! It is the best revenge for abusers. For us to life a happy, healthy wonderful life is torture to them! It really is... I have heard people say this all the time... if you seen your abuser or whoever, just say you are doing great and nothing could be better... they will hate that for hearing that we are doing great, because they will be sh*tty for the rest of their lives... abusive people can't ever be happy.

Lauren

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