Father is abusive
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| Wed, 12-13-2006 - 1:27pm |
Hello all, I hope to keep this short but so much is going on, I ask for any comments, tips, anything at all. Background info.
I am a 25 year old, happily married to my childhood sweetheart (we've been married for 3 years, together for 8 total) we have a baby girl who will be 2 in Feburary. I have an older sister of 2 years who is 27 and older brother who is 29. My mother has been married for almost 30 years to the same guy, who is also my father. Every since they have been married, and before, he would verbally and physically abuse her. I have witnessed MANY times the verbal and physical abuse and even have been hit, punched, and slapped by him. Once he beat me so bad I blacked out 3 times. He has pulled his gun on us before, I got in front of my mom and sister and prayed to god he didn't kill us. He would hit her and I would always intervene and he would than get on me, but at least he wasn't doing it to her. So I moved out when I was 17 years old. I have been out ever since. Mom is still with him, and nothing has changed. She lives less than 5 miles from me and about 8 from my sister. My brother is in another town over an hour away.
She says that he does not hit her anymore, but he calls her outta her name, cusses at her. The last time, the big blow up, he beat her up, me and my sis came and we took her to a womans center in another town about 40 min away. He would call our house, threaten us, than cry and say he would kill hisself, i mean he would come by EVERYDAY and I would just be like, "look me and my husband is not in it, we have nothing to do with yall, momma will call if she wants to, etc, etc." He would try and tell me messages to tell her, like I love you, I'll go to counseling, I'll change, I'll go to church, than threatening messages like "I'm gonna drop the insurance on the car if she dont bring it back." Things like that. I would never relay the message to my mother. My sister did, without me knowing it. Her husband told my mom that he thought my dad had changed. Momma didnt like it up their in the womans center, strict rules, she couldn't have diet pepsi unless she had enough for everyone, it was boring, etc. Well she came back home to him. I was appalled, I told my mother I never wanted to hear it again, to exclude me and my family out of it. Oh also, that night he let her leave, she came to my house, my baby was just a little tiny infant newborn, and my hubby told her that if she didnt press charges against my father she was not welcome in our house, and about he thought he was still smoking weed, (which he prob was) I told my mother that whatever is said in our house stays in our house. After she went back to my father, she told him everything my hubby said and now he despies him. Said that my dh lied, etc, but he didnt, I think the truth just hurt. My dh doesn't want my mother to come back to our house if she leave my father, he says she is not welcome their.
Also, my mom keeps my dd who will be 2 soon, 2 nights a week while I go to school. I work full time and go to school part time. I have told my mother I do not want my daughter around this stuff, arguments, name calling, and all this other mess. She said my father does not act like that around my daughter, and I have to say he doesnt cuss around her. I am just so wearry of everything. Its like when their mess starts up over their, I put my life on hold. It consumes me. I do not want her to get hurt, or kill her, but I don't think I have any options. We have no money to help her out, they are barely getting by, she doesnt work, everything is in his names. Heres the kicker, my grandmother, who is her mother, just found out about his ways the last time when she left and went to the womans center. She said she never knew, even though I remember as a child trying to tell her my father was mean.
Its like sometimes, he is the best man ever, could not do a thing to anyone, than other times its like he is the devil himself.
She has not nor will she press charges. Last time when she went to the womans center, I tried pressing charges because of the harssing calls and they would not allow me to do so. I have dreamed of him getting hurt. I just do not understand why god lets this to continue to happen.
Hes mad now because my mom stayed 3 hours at a sunday school christmas party at the church with his sister and my daughter, he didnt want to go so he didnt. she went without him and when she dropped off my little girl, he started in name calling her, telling her she is a wh*** and accusing her with the pastor. For gods sake the pastor!!
If she looks at anyone, she is sleeping with them, man, girl, guy, who ever.
I don't know what I am looking for on here, just any help at all. What advice do you have? Any comments?
I am now in therapy because I have some of his ways, and I would rather die than be like my father, I am also taking Lexapro for anxiety. I do not want my baby going through what I did and still face. Its like I am right thier in it.
Is it wrong of me not to want to know anymore? To not want her to come to my home?
Please help, if you are continuing to read this, please help because I am at a lost....
I will post this same message under another board also, I just need others advice.


Sometimes to get a grip on things, (IMHO) you need to distance yourself.
However, don't turn around and use the threat of distancing yourself as leverage to try to get your mother to do something she isn't interested in doing.
Threats, ultimatums and screaming are the sign of someone out of control. Your husband's ultimatums didn't leave a lot of room to help, did they? Put you in a spot, it did.
As far as not wanting to repeat this behavior? Dearie, you're on a good track. We can make differences if we change how WE handle emotions, anger, fear, etc. It's all up to us. Are you seeing a DV counselor or a regular counselor? If it's the 2nd, ask for a referral to a DV counselor. It's like seeing a dentist when you need an orthopedic surgeon.
This whole thing is a pickle, isn't it? Just plan big, green nightmare.
You're correct in not listening to his promises or pleas. They're predictable. The gun thing? Got his way, didn't he? Terrorizing both of you as a bonus. By threatening you, he doesn't need to pretend he'll kill himself. Now THAT is an ultimatum. And they're not brave enough to do that. Nonetheless, it's horrendous that your mother LET you put yourself in that position.
Speaking of that, GET your DAUGHTER out OF there. You already recognize and know your mother's Failure to Protect behavior. You already know she lies to cover up his abuse. I can see by your post that you KNOW better. Don't subject your child to abuse. It makes you, the parents, party TO that abuse. You're obviously on a better track than that. Stay the course. Find something else. There is ALWAYS a way.
Anyway, you can't fix this situation. Only your mother can. You can/could offer her options, which evidently the shelter isn't one. OTOH, she's obviously not ready or just doesn't want to leave or the shelter would have been a heck of a lot better than battering. There are issues on both of their parts that have created their symbiotic relationship.
The only thing, IMHO, that you can do is choose to change yourself. Just like you're doing. We think people around us change when we work on ourselves, but it's actually how they are reacting to OUR different behavior. You do have to try to give up control, though, of this uncontrollable situation. You can't fix it; you're just not that good. No one is.
You can call the police. Get it on record that a family member called. Keep getting things like this on record narrows his freedom to continue to batter. Doesn't stop it, but puts him on the radar.
When you take your mom to the hospital, (because you will, if you haven't already), don't protect him by her "falling down the steps" or some such horse-hooey. Flat out say, "My father beats her." Then, the hospital has to get the police involved and she cannot recant their police report, because SHE isn't the one who filed it. The state takes it out of her/your hands.
You call the phone company and they'll trace and prosecute harrassing calls for you. (I've done that 2ce.) The police won't, but they should have told you how to call the telephone company's abuse department. 3 calls a MONTH is considered telephone abuse, let alone harrassment. Hang-ups count, too. Did you know that?
Give yourself some distance and time with your own family. Don't let that vortex suck you in to the point that your little, new family suffers. You love your mom, but you can't fix her.
Sorry you're going through this, but glad you're wise about how you want your family to be.
C.
Mechelle
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Okay, first of all welcome to the board :o)
There is so many warning signs of abuse in your post, it scares me. The threats, the Mr. Nice guy turning into the devil, the name calling, the looks at men oh so you must be sleeping with him, the gun to the head, threatning the insurance on the car, everything you said is abuse.
I am scared for your mother. Who cares that you can't have diet pepsi at the womens shelter, just go there and you will be safe is what I think. I know it is not easy to pack up and leave, but it was gotten so far with your father. Also meaning, that she has been with him for so many years that she doesn't know the difference between right and wrong.
I am happy to hear that you are out and happy. I am happy to hear that you are going to couselling. I also want to suggest you check out the womans shelter yourself and check out the support groups. They also usually offer free counselling, so you could check that out as well.
Have you ever documented anything about your father? Whether it be voicemails, letters, e-mails, anything of him harrassing you, your siblings or your mother? Has anyone ever reported your fathers abuse??
Here is the board website that I strongly suggest that you check out. There is tons and tons of information on there
http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm
Here is a link about how to ehlp someone you know is in an abusive situation.
http://health.ivillage.com/mentalhealth/mhabuse/0,,mzcl,00.html
One thing that you might already know... No matter what you say, your mother won't leave until she wants to or ready. There is still the chance that she won't ever leave. It might be just too much work to leave. She has been in the relationship for 30 years, that it will be very difficult for her to pack up and leave him. I strongly suggest that you just be there for her. Listen to her, don't tell her to leave, because no matter how many times we tell people to leave, they will leave when they are ready.
I am sorry that you are going thru all of this :(
It is really tough to see someone you love being abused.
Post as much as you need to okay - we are all here for you.
Lauren
Also, Is it wrong for me to not want to know anymore? I mean when she starts telling me what he did or what he says, my anxiety peaks and I start kinda twitching and I just want to live my life without knowing anymore. I mean she is continuing to choose to stay their when she had everything at her feet 6 months ago. She is presently not working, because she is trying to get disability, partly I think it is him not wanting her to get a job. Every job she had before he mad her quit. Months ago I couldn't even look at him, after school I would be their long enough to pick up my daughter and leave. I just wish that I was finished with school that way they wouldn't keep her and I wouldn't have to see them. If my dh keeps her while I go to school, my mom will get very depressed because she wouldn't be seeing my daughter, but I have told my mom, I dont want her around that mess. She swears he doesnt even cuss around her. I don't know.
I just wish I could work part time, go to school full time, and not have to count on them to pick her up. I mean my mom does so much for her, she watches her not only when I go to school, but when me and dh got out, she takes her to her many many many dr appointments, so I dont take time off from work. Asthma appts, ped appts, wic appts, all of them. She keeps her when daycare is closed and I dont want to lose that, she gets time with her "gammy" but I dont want her to witness any of this abuse and grow up like I did. Any tips, comments, on how to handle this?
Also I would like to add, When I first had her and went back to work, I let my mom keep her, well my dad acted out and beat her up, that was the time she went to the womans shelter, well after mom went back to him, I wouldnt allow her to watch her anymore, because I was tired of all of it and I put her in dc. I am on the verge of stopping them from watching her now when I go to school. My biggest fear is 1) me being a horrible mom to my daughter 2) turning out like my dad.
Im telling yall, I would rather me be snatched from this seat I sit in than to let my little girl grow up like I did.
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But you do know.
You know darned well he "acts out" and does all the things you *say* you don't want your daughter to suffer.
I happen to think that your mom is an adult and making her own choices.
Your daughter cannot.
In my OPINION, when your mother calls to whine, stop her. You've offered solutions. You've offered to support her leaving as best you can. It's time for her go poop or get off the pot. You cannot and will not sit there and listen to her complain about a situation only SHE can change. Besides, it's really boring to listen to someone beat a dead horse.
Someone will use your ear as long as you let them. Start either having to hang up or better, start asking her what she's going to do to change the situation? Just keep asking with every new whine. She'll go over the same things using different words trying to get sympathy out of you. When asked to be accountable for their own safety or happiness? Many of these deep-seated victim mentality people will stop calling. They'll look for a new ear. Try it. I promise. Even when you do the calling. When she starts? You have to hang up. The baby is crying. or something.
When my dad died, my mom would drink her wine and call my sisters (she knew better than to call me; I demand action.) to cry and moan about how lonely she was. It evidently got so bad my sisters said they didn't answer the phone after 9:00 pm. I had to call her and tell her she had some choices to make. She could either alientate her kids, she could get her butt out of the house and find something to do with friends, or she could pack it up, move back (from Florida to Michigan) and be nearer her grandkids. Given the fact she was only 53 at the time, and given the fact she knows I don't pull punches, she decided it was better to have her girls want to take her calls. She moved back within the year.
I tell you this only because you can be a door mat only for so long. When people whine, like your mom, sometimes they don't want solutions. They HAVE solutions. They subconsciously want someone to commiserate, to understand their martyrdom and sacrifice, to be a victim. Sorry. That's cold, but how long has she asked her kids to protect her? How old were you with that gun situation? What IS that?!?
If you really can't get past this weird responsibilty you feel for your mother's happiness, tell her she can see your daughter in YOUR home WITHOUT your father. Period. That is a huge compromise and as a mother or even as a responsibile adult, you have every right to set this boundry. Tell your husband those are the choices YOU need to make and to suck it up. Sometimes kids need to make choices about their relationships with their parents and it's not up to spouses to make ultimatums. After all, why would HE need a power trip, right?
You're only 23 and these things seem very harsh. You have to do what's right for you, but YOU have a family to take care of. If you put your daughter in that situation knowing what you know, knowing your mother lies and enables your father's deadly abuse, knowing your mother will NOT protect your daughter (let alone HER daughter) you're going to be guilty of endangering the welfare of a child. Yours. It's time to take care of YOUR child and offer her better.
You wouldn't be writing these things if you didn't already know the answers. I think you're just asking for someone to affirm your fears and decisions. And its decisions YOU must make, though, and your gut knows the correct one. It might not be the easy one.
C.
Hi Mechelle :o)
Well i can't see why the womans shelter wouldn't help you out. You have been abused by your father, you were in the middle of it, so I would totally think you could go there for support. :) Even tho you have been out of it for a while, I can't see why they wouldn't let you come...know what I mean?
No, it is not wrong of you for not wanting to know anymore. Are you just getting sick of hearing about it and your mother not doing anything about it? I get that impression, and that it totally fine! it gets frustrating and after you offer so much help, nothing ever gets fixed.
Yup, i also think that the reason she is trying to get disability is because your father wants her to. I hear it all the time about the abuser making the woman quit their jobs for whatever reason. Could be that there are men that work there, she needs to spend time at home and cook and clean - who knows?
I don't want to say that your mom is a liar here, but she is saying that your father never swears with the baby around? Maybe he doesnt.... but the woman really deny deny deny. They always say that everything is fine and peachy, when really it is hell!! I know this, because that is what I used to do. Can you mother take care of your daughter at your house when you are at work and school? Or would your father not allow that? I also agree with another post that your daughter should not be in your parents house. Who knows what happens, because your mom is saying nothing is happening.... but a lot has happenedd in the past.
You are not a horrible mom to your daughter! You are a loving mother that wants the best for your daughter.
Good Luck :o)
Lauren