Hola amiga's

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2006
Hola amiga's
3
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 6:16pm

Hi ladies,
I am sending you all hugs, and prayers that your all safe and well!I agree with you guys I am NOT going to counseling with him, it's a waste of time, and besides I don't this marraige anymore, adios buddy!!!
I do admit I feel bad at times, and sometimes I wonder maybe if I were to listen to him and see what's really going on inside. ( I don't feel that bad)lol.
H called and left a message asking me what I wanted to do for christmas shopping, I KNOW he's not going to give me the money, what should I do? I was thinking tell him go shopping yourself, it's not a written rule that I have to go with him.
I got asked out on a date, from my online friend he says 4 years of im's and phone calls is a long time, what do you guys think? We've shared pictures, he lived in texas and got a tranfer from his job, moved here to Boston,he works and lives in Waltham, Ma. He's younger than me, he's 34,I'm 40.
I don't want a relationship, not ready for that at all. I need to learn how to love myself and put me first, and i think I am liking me finally, well enough of the mushy stuff.

I shall return,
Lisa :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 6:38pm

It is normal to feel bad and to wonder and all that jazz. If you did listen to him and see what is going on.. I don't think it would do you any good. He will tell you lies and twist everything around on you and blame you. It is the wrong route to go. Abusers are brainwashers, that is all they are. I say don't listen to him, because you will never actually undersand what is going on inside.... inside the mind of an abuser.

If he wants to give you money for child support, then take it. If he wants to give the girls gifts, let him... but what is the christmas shopping money for? Is it for you? If so I wouldn't take the money. Take it if it is for the girls, he should be paying child support. Don't go shopping with him tho.

I also strongly suggest that you DO NOT get involved with anybody anytime soon.. You need to love yourself first, just like you said. You need to put yourself first. There is always the chance that if you get involved with anybody too fast that you will just fall into another abusers hands, and that is a bad thing. It is okay to want to be single and enjoy life and put yourself first. You deserve that and you need to be selfish.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 6:53pm

Go slow! Like others have pointed out, sometimes it's easy to get into the same situation. Now that you've been here, you've probably seen the warning signs. Lauren posted about early waring signs in another area on the board. Make sure you read it! So many of those fit the description of H, I fell for it all cause it was different than x, who was also abusive, but physically. Like my counselor said, I found the same thing in a different wrapper. I think if you had counseling of your own to help you along, you'd be better off. You also need to heal, just my opinion. I'm going on that assumption because I know how this has changed me. I could be wrong.

Don't take this the wrong way, my referring to my mother, cause she's much older than you. I think of you and I the same way as far as we are vulnerable to another abusive relationship in any form, looking to fill that lonliness we had while in and out of our current ones. I'm reminded of my mother cause I saw all the relationships go wrong, her held up against the wall by her throat, being cheated on, fighting, cops at our house, it goes on. That was 20 years ago, she still finds the same type of guy, she's living with one now. I want to see all of us that are struggling take the time to heal and figure out what we need, learn to stand up for ourselves and be independent. When we're confident in ourselves I think we can look for a relationship, whatever form. I worry, cause I shared with H the behavior of my X, and he used that and worked it all from a different angle. Does this guy friend know about your past relationship? Going slow could never hurt. Take care of you. Keep going on those interviews, you're going to find a good job and be doing it on your own. BTW, a big pat on the back, cause you're doing what you can!

Best of luck!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 8:35pm

Hi ladies,
I am so going to to be good to me! I'm not looking for a relationship, no way! I want and need to stay single for a good minute. I need to work and become the woman that's in my heart, that got lost the day I married numbnut, trying to be nice :)
It's nice to know someone thinks I'm pretty and wants to know how my day is going. I realize I need to work on me. It's me and my girls. The money H was talking about is for the girls but like I said I think he can go shopping himself. I am going back to counseling for myslef.
My mom let alot of abuse go on, mom says he hit us once, yeah right! me and brother were beaten like we where her husband personal punching bags,and molested me me endlessly, she married him when we came here from Cuba, my father is in Cuba, haven't met yet, but I promised myself I will, my dad had an affair and she left Cuba and to get back at him took us away from him I just recently found him. WOW, I can't believe I just shared that, sorry for going on like that. I'm sorry.
As I have said before, ivillage is great!

Lisa