Verbal Abuse?
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| Thu, 12-14-2006 - 10:37am |
Hi everyone. My boyfriend and I have been together for only about a month and a half now. He used to give me compliments and was really sweet. Now he says things like "you're boring, your not cool, your no fun, I need to find a replacement" etc... he said they're just jokes but he says them every day. I told him to stop putting me down and he just makes comments about me not being able to take a joke.
I'm a very shy person and recently went to a psychiatrist. I was told I have anxiety disorders...so now that I'm going to therapy...he keeps telling me "when you get better" we can do this, or that like I have some kind of disease. Is this something that will change if I confront him enough or should I just get out while I still can and find someone who'll accept me for who I am?

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Welcome to the board shyshortie :o)
I suggest that you check out the link below. It is a post I did of Early Warning signs of abusers. All of it in the post is so very true about abusers. It scares me now that I look back at it, because I see my abuser when we first started dating.
If you explain to him that you do not like the comments he says to you (not cool, boring etc) and he keeps saying those things, that is a warning sign to me. He knows that it bothers you and he keeps doing it!! If he truly respected you, he would have stopped doing it the minute you said it bothered you. If you tell him again and be very serious that it bothers you.. if he continues to say you are boring or whatever, I doubt he will ever change. I think that is a possibility that it will get worse.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=26464.1&ctx=0
Doesn't anxiety always stay with you? What does he mean when you get better? Anxiety is common.. and no you do not have a disease!!
Lauren
I have anxiety and panic, so I know where you're coming from. H used to make comments when we were dating, also said it was a joke, I was too serious. All I can tell you is it didn't get better, made my anxiety so much worse too. One comment that I could never forget was him telling me I had potential. Considering my situation, I'll leave the advice to others. But wanted you to know how helpful this board has been for me, I hope you have the same experience.
Best of luck and keep posting.
Carrie
Thanks :-) I just read the warning signs and I'm seeing some of those:
**HE IS DISRESPECTFUL TOWARDS YOU
**HE IS CONTROLLING
** NOTHING IS EVER HIS FAULT
**HE GETS SERIOUS TOO QUICKLY ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP (he was talking about marriage within the first few days and talking about moving in with him)
**HE INTIMIDATES YOU WHEN HE'S ANGRY
:-/
I guess he thinks I'm going to be outgoing and bubbly all of a sudden or something instead of shy. These were his exact words:
"another reason why i wanted you to get better. if you moved in, i wanted to throw a super bowl party. Invite my people over and some of my cousins who im close to. I dont want you just sittin there in the corner all quiet, cuz my people aint like that...especially my family"
Geeze.
If it walks like a duck...
This is a huge precursor to a lot of trouble.
I will bet you $1000 if you dumped his sorry butt your anxiety would lessen quite a bit. This behavior is geared towards making you apologize, be at fault, feel less, and want to please.
If he cared for you AT ALL, he'd never say these things. Ever. You don't hurt the one you care about, even as a joke. Then, blame them because they can't take a joke? I wonder if you've tried it on him.... (be careful, it could solicit a big, juicy slap.)
Honey, keep with the counseling. Talk to your counselor about this and please, please, make certain you're talking to someone with experience in DV. The thing is, the fact that you've stayed and taken this for a month tells me you're a seriously at-risk soul.
Hold on to YOUR light. You're smarter than that hoo-ha. You're probably far more interesting than this person whose concern is not you "getting better" but that he can throw a good party you won't interrupt. Ask him if he doesn't want you in the corner because he expects you to wait on them? That fun family.
Dearheart, get out. Please. There is time.
Geeze again. On that note, we'll have to talk about the dangers of leaving someone like this and how to do it safely. You belong to YOU. Take care of YOU and don't let him eat your soul.
C.
Those are 5 very important warning signs. With abusers, it always gets worse with time... and that you say there is at least 5 warning signs, I strongly believe it will get worse.
Be Careful,
Lauren
In my opinion, that would be the wisest, safest thing to do.
Don't let yourself become drawn into conversation with him while you pick up your thing. He might become suspicious about why you need it. They seem to have this 6th sense when their pet victim is getting frisky and having thoughts of independence. So get in, get it, and get OUT!
I happen to wonder what would happen if you just didn't call him anymore? Didn't make yourself available? If he called, what if you just couldn't talk? Or you were just busy.
The reason I pose these questions is because leaving an abuser, even one you haven't been with all that long (in the course of life, that is) can be dangerous. Violence escalates, often now becoming physical. There isn't a darned thing in life that doesn't threaten these men, so be careful.
If you do tell him it's over, he's probably going to try to fight with you. He'll act hurt. He'll tell you he loves you. (huh?) If you don't respond, he could get mad and start bad-mouthing you, blaming a failure of relationship on you. He'll probably get mad at "what you're doing to him" and maybe even plead that no one understands your relationship, it's so special. Puke.
One of the things you can do to maintain your sanity is not to fight. Even though you might totally want to defend yourself or feel very hurt, don't fall into the trap of defending yourself or agreeing to see him "just one more time." Try to simply agree. After all, he's always right, right? and we're just stupid, aren't we?
An often safe answer to the WHY!!! question is to tell him that it's not him. No, he is absolutely too good for you. Therefore.. (are your ready?) You've lost interest because you can never measure up. And if necessary and only if he already knows ... You're working on that with counseling (Don't hand him ammunition.)
Just sadly and vaguely insist on the lost of interest and his escalated status in your eyes. Frankly, it becomes hard not to become totally disgusted or even laugh if you can step back and not let him draw you into argument. You'll see him go through each of stages -- and more -- if you put yourself in the 3rd party seat. :)
Please don't assume he doesn't know where you live. If he's a control freak in any way shape or form, he knows. He might have driven by to see if you were cheating on him, to scope out the property to see if it is better than where he lives, you name it. Plus, if you're in the book, if you can google your phone number or address, or if you're in one of the (dangerous) reverse phone number look-ups on the cell phone sites, he can find you.
While I think you should absolutely leave this dangerous and defeating situation, please become vigilant. A little personal paranoia when dealing with abusers is very healthy. :)
Take care. Don't doubt yourself, shyshortie. Your instincts are on target.
Have faith and have courage. :)
C.
Sweetie, I heartily disagree with that idea.
Don't initiate what would be a huge fight -- or in your case, perhaps the silent treatment to which you seem to respond.
It's going to be either your fault, or it'll be you reading more into a situation, or you not being able to take a joke.
If you absolutely must let him know you now have proof, mail it to him later.
Keep in mind that no matter WHAT you know, or hear, or SEE with your own two eyes? You will be wrong and he will have done nothing wrong at all.
I would hope for you that knowing would be enough. Letting him always wonder could be some really good revenge. And far safer for you!
So get the computer and have it checked out for monitoring programs. You don't want him watching or keystrokes or getting BCC:ed on your email.
Ask me how I think of things things someday.
C.
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