Please help me! Need input-
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 12-14-2006 - 3:18pm |
Ok- it's been a while since I posted, but I really need some input. I'm sooooooo depressed, and though I would just loooove to blame it on my abuser (although I must at least give him partial credit), I think this one's on me. I'm just so tired of this same old song. I'll try to make it somewhat short.
DH controls ALL the money. I work full time, and make more $$$ than he does, but he is in control of it all, even the credit cards. Things go ok if everything goes according to plan- pay the babysitter friday, grocery shopping on Sat, etc. But something ALWAYS comes up. Last month- both of our cars plates were up for renewal- inspections, plates, etc. Well- he got HIS done, and then informed me there was no money in the checking account, so therefore- I didn't get mine done. And it's STILL not done. On top of that, in the beginning of the month (Nov), I got a speeding ticket. Of course I was afraid to tell him, don't know why, cause I've been driving for 20 years and this was only my 2nd ticket, and he's had more than I can even remember, although none in the last few years. Bottom line was (I think) that I knoew we just didn't have the money to pay for it. Well, I never told him, Tuesday was my court date, and I just didn't go. I tried to pay by credit card the day before court, but one card had no availability, and the other was for his business, so I just did nothing. Stupid, I know. What am I thinking? Why do I constantly put myself in trouble because I can't/won't have a conversation w/him? I'm making myself sick. I have visions of getting pulled over (because of my expired plates), and then being taken to jail because I'm assuming there will be a warrant out for my arrest because I didn't go to court. Or better yet, maybe they'll just show up at my house on Christmas Eve and arrest me in front of my kids, and then my husband can say, "yeah- she got arrested- she's not a fit mother! Can't even take care of her own problems..."
I'm just so disappointed in myself. I let these things happen knowingly, and still I do nothing. I keep telling myself that this weekend there will be some $$ in the account, I will go and get inspected and get my plates renewed, but I still need to take care of this ticket, and I'm sure that entails having a conversation with him about how to pay for it. Then, of course I will be the bad guy, making problems that he has to fix, and what a loser I am.
This is what I am trying to figure out- why do I care what he says or what he thinks? I know we are done- I do not love him, I no longer want to work things out. But I am trying to stay with him until we sell our house and move to another state (where my family lives), so I don't get stuck here because he will fight for custody. I've been trying to figure this out for years, though- why can I never tell him things, especially if they are not a big deal? Like the ticket- if it's only my 2nd ticket, and he's had tons, and everybody gets a ticket now and then, why can't I just say "hey- I got a ticket today. Thant sucks!" and move on. Why? I do myself more harm by keeping it inside, anticipating what he will say, how he will react, and then I've talked myself out of it.
The truth is that he has never hit me. Yes- I am afraid he could escalate to that at some point. Yes- he rants and raves and has temper tantrums about not being able to find his pen, so of course I'm afraid that he could go off the deep end. But isn't what I'm doing to myself worse?
Please help me understand- I am a competent woman in all other aspects of my life. Why can I not just say things that need to be said, especially since I no longer care about him? Do you think part of me may be a martyr- am I just making excuses so everything can be HIS fault?
Thanks if you got this far...
Beth

Call the DA's office and see if you can plead down to a non moving violation, your fine will be less and there will be less points on your license. If they agree it'll buy you a little time to pay it off. Definitely touch base with someone so the sitaution doesn't escalate.
He could have paid for your plates and all on a CC, there was a way to do it and he didn't care that he was puttin you in a difficult situation. I've done it too, kept the phone bill from H, cause he always complained about it cause my family are all long distance. I'm guessing you kept it from him because he won't let you forget it. If he has tantrums about a pen (H has too), than what the heck would he say about a ticket and a fine?
Don't be so hard on yourself, it's not easy to tell them anything. You're not a loser, you got a ticket like most of us have. It's up to you if you wan't to tell him, I just wanted you to know I understand why it's hard, cause they usually point out our every mistake. Which BTW, we're entitled to. I don't think you're making excuses for things to be his fault, I think you're worried aboout his reaction.
Take care! Go easy on yourself, like you said you're competent, take the credit for it!
Carrie
Hi Beth,
If you are with an abuser, they are the main person to blame. Yes, they do put the blame onto us, and they don't take any blame... which we all no is so not true. Yes, I do believe the victim in the relationship does have somewhat of the blame, but the abuser is to blame for at least 75%.
I know what you mean about not wanting to have a conversation with him.. I felt the same with my abuser. I knew what was coming and I didn't want to see the angry side of him come out. It is easier to avoid the situation for as long as possible. But I think you should tell him about the ticket sooner than later. He did the whole license plate, inspection thing of purpose. He is controlling you, all of you! He is in control of everything.. he is not your boss or your father. YOU should be in control of everything dealing with YOUR life - your money, your car everything. The only way you will get all of that back is to leave this man.
"I know we are done- I do not love him, I no longer want to work things out."
If this is really what you want, then you need to leave. What is keeping you there with him? Have you been documenting anything of his verbal/emotional/financial/physical abuse on you?
I also suggest that you call the Domestic Abuse hotline number and check what the laws in your state are.
Good Luck and keep us posted
Lauren
Hi Beth,
Depression from the constant fear and abuse may keep you stuck. Keep posting. They wear us down with so much anger and criticism and belittling it is hard to think or problem solve...they get so angry. I know for me I shut down because I just couldn't deal with the pain-but it made things worse and she took more and more power. And I felt more helpless.
Are you in counseling? And don't think for a moment you're a martyr..you're a brave and courageous woman who's been "beat down" by cruelty and hurt. You don't have to live that way.
Take care, I'm also...
Beth :)