H's Mood is Flip-flopping.....
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| Thu, 12-14-2006 - 4:25pm |
Hi I mostly lurk but I have responded to a couple of postings. By way of introduction my H of 8yrs decided he wanted out not long ago and decided to leave two weeks ago. I talked him into staying for the holidays for the sake of the kids (girls 4&2) - but I now regret doing that. He flipped out last weekend and threw a solid hard wood coffee table and shred his shirt and fleece vest right off of his body (he is literally twice my size)to try and punctuate his point about how angry he is. In the past he has thrown a drink at me, spit on me, is always hostile towards me (I can never be right), and the list goes on.
Bottom line, I have come to the conclusion that separating would make me very happy. I want out. I am treading a fine line right now as his recent escalation in his behaviour scares me - I need to find a way to let him believe that he is the one in control and calling the shots about wanting out. Problem is - I am having a very difficult time hiding my calm and cool demeanor. I am no longer emotional as I have been in the past, I am just rolling with things. He now wants to put an effort in but I think it is far too little and far too late. I just want out - I cannot believe that I am happy about this. Even though I will have to majorly downgrade my lifestyle, I just think I will be so much happier. I think this will not be a difficult split for me because I am no longer emotionally involved.
In order to get through the holidays I am going to have to come up with a strategy to try and minimize his outbursts (he is very scarey!) and also make him believe that splitting is not my first choice. We have talked about splitting up in the last few days and the conversations went really well - he seemed to be relieved after talking about what we want for the kids etc. He works two jobs one is a steady paycheck and the other is commissioned real estate and he keeps commenting that it isn't worth his effort to do the real estate (he did really well this past year and I suspect he is trying to set me up to accept reduced child support - I have always been the major wage earner in our family up until this year for the first time - his real estate commissions have made a sig. difference). Anyway - if anyone has been there done that - particularly finding a way to make him believe he is calling the shots when you have an exit plan/target - I would love to hear from you.
Rose

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Hi Rose,
I want to give you the Domestic Abuse Hotline # 1-800-799-SAFE
Also, I can't remember if I gave you the board website... it has tons of information on there. It has a few safety type links near the bottom. So you can check those ones out.
http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm
I think I was somewhat lucky when I broke up with my abuser. Yes he begged me and cried and cried his eyes out. But I was strong and I said that I couldn't go on anymore. I stayed with friends for a week before I moved out of our place together. I think he knew that I wouldn't do it anymore and he couldn't stop me from leaving.. I am not sure. Yes it was very hard to stop the contact after I left him... but I don't see or talk to him anymore. Anyways, about you! Have you told him recently that you are not feeling like you can work on it anymore type thing? I would keep the abuse talk away from him. Abusers will deny anyways, but if there is other reasons why it won't work, you can always say that. I told my abuser that 1 thing I couldn't handle was his pot. That defenitley was a part in the break up, but overall he was abusive. I told him once I left becaue he was abusive, but he didn't believe me anyways!! Sorry for the ramble.
Do you have anywhere you can go and stay? Any family or friends? You can always contact your local womens shelter as well.
Lauren
Rose, you're on a wise path about getting out.
While you've got him snowed and while you're working out options (I hope you do this fast!) start copying paperwork. Get your tax returns, recent bank and credit card statements, retirement and savings accounts, stocks, you get my drift. ID, passports, birth certificates. Find somewhere where you can take your pets or someone who will hold on to them safely, temporarily. Here in MD the county I live in has so much DV that there is a whole department for pets, because women won't leave for fear for their pets. I know it stopped me. No one can imagine how deeply I love my pets. I digress, but please don't forget them if you have them.
Let him think he's in charge. Let him think you're afraid, because if he's in control, there's a slim chance he'll not lose his mind as readily. A huge concern, though, is that when the victim becomes immune to the constant threats and burned out to the point of no or very little reaction, an abuser usually moves on to pets and children, because THAT will get a rise out of you.
Please talk with a neighbor to set up a signal they should call the police. They might not be willing to step in (particularly if he is big and likes to intimidate), but they will probably feel better and safer in calling the police. The words they and you need to use is that they're "AFRAID FOR YOUR LIVES and THERE ARE CHILDREN IN THE HOME." Please put that number for the DV hotline on your speed dial. Label it Abby or something so it's at the top of your phone book, too.
Hide these papers, extra keys, phone chargers, etc.) in plastic bags in a suitcase in the bushes outside, in a neighbor's garage, or if you have the freedom, a bus locker. Or just inside something that he won't check. (Some people have boats or extra cars, mobile homes, etc., that are covered and you can sneak back and pick things up.) Have your kids' things packed, too. If you have a mother that won't betray you, start getting things to their home if you can. Or just plain hide them in her garage if you need to sneak. This is about the only time in life (IMHO,) that sneaking is a talent to cultivate.
Most of all, be VERY VERY careful. Watch him, because his radar will know and he's watching you. It's an abuser's 6th sense.
C.
Organize, but get out. At least be prepared.
Rose
Hi Rose,
"There is a part of me that wants to try and work things out for their sake. But I know H would have to be willing to make some compromises and some changes and I don't think he will."
This probably the most confusing part about having children in the middle of abuse. It seems like a good idea to stay for the children, but it is opposite. It is a bad choice to make, to stay for the children. In any kind of abusive relationship, the children feel and see the tension going on. The other part is that you are right on the button about H becuase he would not be willing to change or make any compromises. They never are willing to change or even compromise... and the thing that makes me even more mad... is that they say they bend over backwards for us!! Which is soooo untrue!!!!
"I told him for things to work out he would have to agree to counselling - he said no."
Here is a link for you to check out about counselling. It does seem like the right thing to do, to try out counselling. I even did try myself with my abuser, but the relationship fell thru before I could go to counselling. The jist of it, regular counselling is for a healthy relationship where the blame is split in half. The thing with abusers is that they are all to blame, but they don't take the blame. It makes us feel like we are to blame for things that are totally out of our control. If that makes sense... check out the article, it's a good one.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&msg=11516.1&x=y
Lauren
This Christmas you're giving your daughters the best gift ever, you're giving them back their Mommy! I understand wanting to stay for the kids, and they probably don't know exactly what's going on, but they sense the tension too. Giving them a place where that doesn't exist is the right thing to do. Trying to figure him out and living in that environment takes so much out of a person. You'll have much more to offer.
Best of luck, and hugs to you and DD's!
Carrie
Rose
Rose, this will sound weird, but be grateful he didn't agree to counseling.
You can't counsel domestic violence out of someone. The statistics (and experience) shows that what you do is hand them ammunition. Ammunition about you, and ammunition if you ever end up in court.
"But'cher onner! I'm in Cunsling." Bad, bad, bad. The whole scenario shifts to his favor and you become the unsupportive, vindictive b!tch who isn't giving the compromising, long-suffering man a chance. Would you want him to end up with custody or huge, unsupervised visitations with your kids based soley upon the idea that he CLAIMS he's getting help for something he doesn't see wrong with himself? No, no NO!
Plus, chances are you wouldn't find a DV counselor, which also gives them more to work against you with. Mostly, they're always smarter than the counselors so they decide they don't need to go. You'd have simply delayed a tough situation, where you and your kids are the fall-out.
If you think he's fooling around, protect yourself. No sex without condoms. Period. If you're on the pill and he knows it, tell him you screwed up, missed some pills and have to use something else. Abusers think nothing of spreading STDs, frequently blaming the victim for fooling around. Your word against his and he can scream louder, right?
Rose, I'm sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, even under normal circumstances. I think you're wise and lucky you're making a move so quickly. I'm glad your counselor is on top of the DV situation. And it's nice to have my experience/advice echoed. :) Tells me I'm still on track!
Christine
Hi Christine - Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I am feeling my resolve chipping away. I have no family but I do have some wonderful friends. Two of my closest know what has been going on and they keep reminding me that I deserve better. Of course - I have strong days and then again some weak ones. Your note seems to have struck a chord for me. I haven't really talked to H in a few days just due to schedules etc. I know that once we talk again I will quickly be reminded as to why things won't work for us. He is extremely stubborn and never wrong (according to him).
Somehpow my goal is to come out of this much stronger and much wiser and headed on a path to a personally and professionally fulfilling life. I just wish i could bottle those good days and save some for later.....
Thanks again
Rose
Rose, there isn't a single soul who doesn't go into the marriage believing in possibility, future and a loving, encouraging, supportive relationship. When it doesn't fit our dreams, that's a tough one to accept. When it begins to fit our nightmares, it's sometimes unspeakable.
While I do encourage you to hold onto the "good" days, I want to suggest you remember how few and short-lived they are. If we're doubting our own capabilities, it's hard not to let the good day memories grow, spread, and obscure how life with an abuser really is. We begin to convince ourselves that he wasn't "that bad," and that maybe, secretly, he was right. We can't get along without them, for whatever vile reason they've pounded into us. Hold onto the memory, but encapuslate them. If they were that darned good, you wouldn't be where you are now, right?
This is a little hard to do, too, but journaling helps a lot. When you doubt yourself, or when you start to think you were just blowing things out of proportion. See, these are the steps a victim goes through, usually after leaving. Leaving is the easy thing. It's making a life afterwards that's hard.
Hang in there. Make your preparations. It gives you a little freedom within your decisions to know that you are ready if you do have to bolt. BTW. Do you have an escape route? Remember, unlike on TV, never run upstairs if you're in danger. Unless you plan to jump out a window or something! And if the kids are there and he loses his mind? YOU run. Run to a neighbor's phone and call the police. If your DH is someone who rages, he'll be focused on you. The kids will be fine and YOU have to be safe in order to get them out of there. Remember the words "I am afraid for my life and for my kids' lives." The police buzz words.
Ahh. I'll stop now. I realize it's a ton to absorb, but then nothing important is ever that easy, is it?
C.
More hugs! Remember that you can vent about anything! It will be hard, you're right about putting your energy into time with the kids. You're doing the right thing!
Carrie
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