Just a Big Vent and Some of My Story
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Just a Big Vent and Some of My Story
| Sun, 12-17-2006 - 11:46pm |
My husband is very financially controlling, isolating, and uses the children to control me and make me feel bad (one of them now an adult, dropped out of school and lives at home when she's not living with a BF). It's hard for me to use this computer even though it's my own, he picked it out, and all the accesories but I paid for it when I was going to school with part of my scholarship. I let him pick everything out for it because I didn't want to hear him complain, but he still does, nothing is good enough for him. I can't make phone calls or use the phone when he's home because he's there listening to me, and no matter how simple the phone call, he's there with a hateful look on his face listening to every word, questioning me about every minor detail.I have two jobs, and he calls me at work constantly, I go work at a restaurant in the morning through lunch, he calls and gets mad and asks why I'm there, or why I left at a certain time, or he'll call when I'm busy with customer's and cuss at me when I can't have a casual conversation with him in the middle of lunch. I've caught him sitting in the parking lot of the surrounding businesses watching me with his binoculars. He can see me through the windows quite easily. I would never have noticed had one of my coworkers not come up to me and said "Turn around" and I looked out behind me and there was his car, turned around watching me. It's typical for me to be driving down the road and look behind me and there he is, he's supposed to be at work during these times. If I go to the store, here he comes. He will call the kids and ask where I am or what I'm doing. He gets mad if he thinks I have money at all. If I buy anything, a bar of soap, a box of tampons, anything at all, he's mad and asks where I got money and how can I pay the bills if I went on that spending spree. Now, I have to buy these basic necessities, he doesn't share at all, he won't help with any of my medical or my daughter's and he could have insurance on us through his work, he won't, He pays the rent, he just paid off HIS car (the newer nicer one is always his, though they're both in our name, or at least I think it still is)he pays for the internet service, tv satillite, and phone, because he uses these things and this is what he wants. He has a few credit cards he pays if he has anything on them, all for him, TV's Dvd players, stereos, those things, not anything for the family. I can't even get credit, my medical bills alone have nearly done me in. I had insurance, not very good insurance that came with an extrememly low paying community service job that I felt would better all of our lives by helping me through school, scholarship money and work experience and such, but I'm no longer eligible for that program, so I work as much as I can around my daughter's school activities, and I'm glad that I have a good reputation and good work history so that my bosses give me alot of leeway as far as hours I'm available and if I need to take off for my child's activities, and they pay me more than most because of my history of reliablitly and hard work. I'm responsible for, or irresponsible as he says, the utility bills, any household necessities for my daughter and I such as pads, tampons, toothpaste, food, you get the idea. I even ended up having to go to court because my insurance didn't pay all it should have for an MRI I had to have done a couple of years ago. This insurance company gave runarounds and wouldn't communicate, lots of dropped calls and hang ups or putting a person on hold forever, and ever, and ever, so I really had no warning about it until it had already gone to a collection agency, if they had tried to call or send anything in the mail, I wouldn't have gotten it, him or his daughter erase my messages and go through my mail, unless I ask when it comes or I get to it first, I don't get my mail. I get the bills though, after he opens them. I feel like this wouldn't have happened if he would carry insurance on my daughter and I, at least my daughter, it's our daughter together. But his reaction was to contact a lawyer and try to make sure he wouldn't be held liable. He would've been, because the judge read something in court that stated that spouses are responsible for the care of each other, but I did win the case because of various circumstaces with the hospital and the insurance not working with me and not communicating with me when I was trying my best to resolve the issue, plus the insurance just didn't add up and didn't hold up their end. Just this past week, he called me at work, pulled me out of my classroom of kids that I tutor, and yelled at me on the phone, while I had to stand here in the office with my boss and his secretary not a foot away from me, and cussed me out, accused me of stealing and being a theif, because he was balancing his checkbook and came across where I had paid the electric bill a few months ago in between the time that my contract ended with my previous job, and school starting and me being eligible to take a new job. I had a lapse in pay, and a huge electric bill, and after much worry and terrorisation by him that we(my daughter and I) would just have to go without electric for a while, he told me to pay it out of his account. Now he accuses me of stealing, and says he never gave me permission, and if I couldn't pay him back, he'd have me arrested. Can he even do this? We used to have a joint account, he would get mad about me paying the bills, I only had access to it to deposit money, or pay the utilities. He would go over it and add it all up and say I didn't deposit enough to cover this or that, when I deposited everything I had in there, and it was always enough to cover because I didn't want to suffer through this argument every month or so, so finally he did me a favor, and took my name off the account, took all the money in it opened a new account in his name only. Shortly thereafter, I opened my own, got a P.O. Box, and we do everything separately now. He was mad when my checks, they used to come in the mail, quit coming and he couldn't bully me out of them. So I really do not know if he could have had me arrested or not for paying his electric bill, which is in his name only, and everyone here uses the electricity, over the phone from his account. It wouldn't affect him much if the utilities were cut off, he works as a live in caretaker most of the week, extra if he wants, he is only home a couple of days a week anyway, and then he's really not here, he goes out shopping or whatever he does. He actually did have the gas bill cut off a year or so ago, of course I had it turned right back on, but it cost me alot of money , I had to put down a deposit, I had just paid it all up at the tune of nearly $300, which is a whole paycheck for me, or it was at that time. He wanted me to put it in my name, and get it out of his name, so he told me it was unpaid, I didn't pay it soon enough, and they would turn it off. I knew it was paid, but sure enough they were out there turning it off. I called and asked why, they told me he had called and told them to cut it off. So when they realized he was still in the household, they put it in both of our names, and I still had to put down a deposit. This is all the while that gas prices are at their peak. It took me about a year to pay for it all, I had to make arrangements (irresponsibility on my part, he says)and it accomplished absolutely nothing.
He allows his daughter, that I've taken care of since she was about 5 when her mother backed out of her life for whatever reason, to treat me like crap. She is allowed to drop out of school, cuss at my daughter and me especially, she'll manipulate my daughter and flatter her and play with her when she's bored, and I think to hurt me because she'll whisper to her, and her attitude will change when she's around, and she'll whisper if I walk through the room and then they'll look at me and laugh. She steals money from her, my daughter has prize money from some of her activities and she never spends her money, but she'll come into her room and flatter her, and she'll let her guard down, when she leaves, her money's gone. She steals our jewelry, CD's, clothes, whatever she can, and he says we know better than to leave it where she can get it. We have locks on our bedroom doors now, but she has been known to bust them down. She is so filthy that she and her bedroom, smells so bad like body odor. It's filty, she moved out several times, for short periods, and when she was gone, it was so peaceful, I got the house cleaned up, it was nice and I didn't have to work so hard trying to clean up after her. She tried to move in with a BF and his adoptive family, but they couldn't tolerate her, so she went to a motel, and worked there for about a month, stole out of the registar, ran up a bill for the room she stayed in, never intending to pay it, and just quit showing up for work, moved back in here, and my husband paid her bill to keep her out of jail. They will arrest a person for not paying their motel bill, it's called Defrauding an Innkeeper, I asked a good friend of mine who is an officer so I'd know if I should sheild my daughter from the cops showing up at our door and handcuffing her sister. My daughter stayed with a friend for a couple of days while my husband worked this out for his daughter, so of course she learned nothing, she gets away with everything, and just gets worse. The only reason her BF took her in is because she was pretending to be pregnant. She even went and filed paper work to get help from DHS, but couldn't procede because she would have to get a doctor's statement saying she actually was pregnant. She called this man at work at a supposed six months pregnant and said she was in the ER having a miscarriage. He took off work immediately, all upset, and the ER had never heard of her. He found her at home, taking a nap. His family had been buyer her baby stuff, thinking a new family member was coming. She moved back in with us, over my objections shortly there after, about three months ago, and now she has a new BF, and the scene seems to be repeating, he's young, lives with his parents, but has a good job, a nice vehicle, and has just put a deposit down on a rent house for the two of them, I don't know if he thinks she's pregnant or not yet, I haven't really been able to talk to him much, she doesn't want anyone to talk, she knows I'll expose her. I'm sorry this is so long, I don't get around here alot, but I thought I'd give some background, and for some of you it might be kind of an update if you remember me from a couple of years ago. You guys tell me what you think, please.
He allows his daughter, that I've taken care of since she was about 5 when her mother backed out of her life for whatever reason, to treat me like crap. She is allowed to drop out of school, cuss at my daughter and me especially, she'll manipulate my daughter and flatter her and play with her when she's bored, and I think to hurt me because she'll whisper to her, and her attitude will change when she's around, and she'll whisper if I walk through the room and then they'll look at me and laugh. She steals money from her, my daughter has prize money from some of her activities and she never spends her money, but she'll come into her room and flatter her, and she'll let her guard down, when she leaves, her money's gone. She steals our jewelry, CD's, clothes, whatever she can, and he says we know better than to leave it where she can get it. We have locks on our bedroom doors now, but she has been known to bust them down. She is so filthy that she and her bedroom, smells so bad like body odor. It's filty, she moved out several times, for short periods, and when she was gone, it was so peaceful, I got the house cleaned up, it was nice and I didn't have to work so hard trying to clean up after her. She tried to move in with a BF and his adoptive family, but they couldn't tolerate her, so she went to a motel, and worked there for about a month, stole out of the registar, ran up a bill for the room she stayed in, never intending to pay it, and just quit showing up for work, moved back in here, and my husband paid her bill to keep her out of jail. They will arrest a person for not paying their motel bill, it's called Defrauding an Innkeeper, I asked a good friend of mine who is an officer so I'd know if I should sheild my daughter from the cops showing up at our door and handcuffing her sister. My daughter stayed with a friend for a couple of days while my husband worked this out for his daughter, so of course she learned nothing, she gets away with everything, and just gets worse. The only reason her BF took her in is because she was pretending to be pregnant. She even went and filed paper work to get help from DHS, but couldn't procede because she would have to get a doctor's statement saying she actually was pregnant. She called this man at work at a supposed six months pregnant and said she was in the ER having a miscarriage. He took off work immediately, all upset, and the ER had never heard of her. He found her at home, taking a nap. His family had been buyer her baby stuff, thinking a new family member was coming. She moved back in with us, over my objections shortly there after, about three months ago, and now she has a new BF, and the scene seems to be repeating, he's young, lives with his parents, but has a good job, a nice vehicle, and has just put a deposit down on a rent house for the two of them, I don't know if he thinks she's pregnant or not yet, I haven't really been able to talk to him much, she doesn't want anyone to talk, she knows I'll expose her. I'm sorry this is so long, I don't get around here alot, but I thought I'd give some background, and for some of you it might be kind of an update if you remember me from a couple of years ago. You guys tell me what you think, please.

Welcome to the board cshellie :o)
I am fairly new to the board, so I don't know you.. but I am glad you shared so much about your story.
My thought are this: I think your relationship with this man will go from bad to worse. I do not think it will ever get better. He is soo obvious that he doesn't trust you. The thing about trust with abusers is that it never gets better! It only gets worse!! Him looking thru binoculars at you at work... wow... he just has to know exactly where you are and what you are doing. He is scary in my opinion. He has no trust in you AT ALL!
How old is your daughter? You might no about how bad it is to have a child in the middle of the relationship. They do notice and feel everything even if they aren't there to see it.. they know what is going on. About his daughter, wow!! I bet that she will become an abuser one day, or she will end up with one. She is crazy and mean and everything else. She is probably just like her dad, or worse for that matter.
Is her verbally or emotionally abusive to you? Or is it just financial abuse?
Oh, make sure you delete the cookies and history in case he comes and finds this site that you have been looking at.
Keep us posted on how you do - we are always here for you :o)
Lauren
cshellie,
You have alot going on-and I'm glad you posted because you definitely need support. Your situation sounds crazy-all the crap with his not paying bills! That alone is so abusive. You are his wife!!!
I have been stalked in the past and please take this very seriously-is there a shelter or DV agency near you? I know there's a 1-800 number where you could talk to somebody. Keep a journal -somewhere he can't find it. Date and time everything/get names and numbers of of witnesses ...this is a criminal offense...can you leave this man and go live with family? or a shelter? or leave the city where you are?
Please be careful. Get some help for yourself and your daughter. You both deserve to be safe and protected. keep us posted.
Be safe and take care,
Beth
I wonder if you went to a womens shelter if maybe he would not have access to your daughter until the courts were able to grant access etc. I think if you told the court that you were concerned for your daughters safety while in his care that that would be enough to cut off his access (temporarily anyway). Maybe you should call the 1-800 # for DV to find out. I am onloy guessing at this stuff...
Also - This man is bringing nothing to your life but misery. You will be much much happier without him. Please, please, please... find a way to leave. It is great that you have family that you can live with. I would suggest that you possibily consider a women's shelter as it may be the protection that you need to sheild your daughter.
(((((((Hugs to you both)))))))))
Rose