Is leaving the only option?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Is leaving the only option?
4
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 11:10am
I am in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship.

Paula

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 11:25am
Hi There - I am sure there are many people with a greater treasure chest of experience on this topic but I wanted to send my support. I am in the middle of a mess right now that will likely end in divorce. But I have been going to counselling and my counseller said that she has counselled people back to reconsiliation after abuse. She that that one couple in particular did split, but over the course of intensive counselling over that period that they were able to reconsile after six months apart. I did not ask her why they separated to find out if that is a recommended step, I have a feeling it would be. Also - my counsellor specializes in working with victims of abuse and men who abuse. I think you would have to ensure that whatever counsellor you were working with was indeed specialized in that area. I know my H is going to a counsellor and she is a family and marriage counsellor, but does not specialize in abuse. I went to her once for a couples session with H - she was lovely, but clearly could not see through his BS. I wish you all the best....
Rose
Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:52pm
Well, leaving seems to be my only option. My H refuses to go to counselling(even though he knows I'm at the end of my rope). He says he can change on his own. Oh, and BTW, I'm the one who's crazy and needs counselling-in his eyes. I know I can't wait for him to change, I need to make a healthier lifestyle for my kids, because they're starting to recognize the abuse. I've also heard that marriage counselling is the last step towards divorce. good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 1:25pm

Welcome to the board chitowngal :o)

Honestly, I do think that leaving is the only option for you and your little one. I never suggest couple counselling to anyone in an abusive relationship. I think that is the worst decision.. but I have been there and almost tried it for myself.. but it fell thru -thankfully.

One of the reasons couple counselling does not work in abusive situations, is because the blame gets split in half. Yes, in healthy relationship the blame will be split in half, but that is not the way it is with an abuser. The abuser is totally at fault, but they never take the blame. If you really want to go to counselling, you should go by yourself to someone who specializes in Domestic Violence.

Also, abuser only have a 1% chance of changing!! Pretty low eh? That 1% is also with long term therapy and counselling, wanting to change, willing to put in the time and effort... it will take a long time to change, years, not months. The sad thing is, most abuser fall thru because it is too much work for them to change. I at one time thought I wanted to wait for my abuser to change. I then thought about how he treated me and decided that I could never forgive him for how he treated me. I left him and it was the best decision of my life.

Post as much as you like to okay. We are all here for you.
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 1:43pm

Lauren,

Paula