Need advice, opinions, reminders

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Need advice, opinions, reminders
21
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 1:07pm

I just want the cops to show up and serve me! I want it done. He started again last night. He goes around and around, and it ends with him trying to touch me. Sun night the kiss on the head, last night he got on the floor after apologizing and went to hug me, my whole body stiffened up and I held my arm by the side where his chest would have touched me. I was stupid and after he kept asking what he had done, I finally started to list things that had hurt me, waste of time I know. Sure enough it was all about how I started it, I came after him, all a bunch of BULL! He actually tried to deny throwing a class at me, until I reminded him of the dent in the stove, where it ended up hitting. Yes I realize nothing would have been solved in our "discussion", but I wanted him to leave the freakin room!

Last night when I was leaving to pick up DD from B-ball practice, he's telling me to watch the gas, how I'm not going to milk him out of money for that cause I'm driving oldest DD to work, and one to parctice. Tell me your opinion on that please. Cause he was on me and oldest DD for her to get a job, for about 3 months. She will help with gas when she actually gets her 1st check, and she did give me $5. on Sunday. I can't wait until this man is sending me support checks, at least I wont have to ask him for money! I emailed him at work today that he would have to take youngest DD to pre-school cause I was out of gas! He left $10 for me to pick her up, but I planned on taking bottles back so I wouldn't have to ask him for a thing!

Drove by a house that's for sale, owner financing. I've looked at it already, it's a 4 bedroom, downstairs is smaller, upstairs bigger, than what we're in now. The guy dropped the price. I'll look into it more. H says he's set aside money for me to move out, to find a place. I'm very doubtful that if I said make a check to..., that it would happen. It's available immediately. That's why I'm considering it more now.

Would appreciate hearing your thoughts, the past couple of days and talking with him has my head starting to spin again. Just have to stop falling for the BS and cut the conversations short.

Thanks everyone!

Carrie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 5:28pm

Hi Carrie,

I don't think it was a waste of time to write a list of things that hurt you. I actually suggest people do that after they leave an abuser. It makes them realize and think about all the bad things, instead of crying over the good things. I have wrote letters to my Ex after I left him... no I never sent them to him, but I have them and have some mean stuff I wrote - but it did help me out! You did not start everything on that list you made. Most of the things were probably started by your abuser, but he doesn't see things right. As long as you know who was right and who was in the wrong... Even if you try to explain why it isn't your fault, he won't believe you. Even him denying he threw a glass at you! I bet he blamed you for him throwing the glass right? That is what my abuser did, just twisted everything around!!

I don't really get what he was talking about milk him out of money? Just for you to not waste the gas and drive around? He probably loves you asking him for money.. isn't that sick? Abusers want us to beg them for anything, they love it!

You are on the right track... it is very normal to have your head spinning.. no matter how much it sucks. But that is just the way it goes with abusers. They will always twist stories around and blame us and make us beg and everything.. They are sick!!

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 7:47pm

Hey Carrie,

Hang in there! He's screwing with your head/your thoughts....he knows you're getting stronger. His grasp on you is lessening and remember it's about power.

The gas money is crazy...they're his kids/family. He will do anything to hurt you or have you doubt yourself! Read your posts to me....your words to me will help remind you...

And it's the "affection" interspersed with abuse that makes us so insane. They seem "comforting", then switch to abuse. It's a mind f*ck. If you can, get that Lundy Bancroft book from the library-all that stuff is in there. It so helps me to read about it...and it gives the abuse a name. I feel more grounded. My self doubt is enormous at times.

The house money...i'm not sure about that-ask your lawyer....what kind of custody/support will you get...can you get help from family? I doubt he'll help you leave...it would ruin his sadistic fun.

Stay strong sweetie, you're worth it-the kids need you to be sane! You need you to be sane. Keep posting. You are in my thoughts and prayers and good wishes. Don't let him in your head-Remeber how you said to me how crazy it is to turn to strangers on an internet board when our "loved ones" -gag- are living with us. Keep that in mind. Maybe the guy could let you move in if he understands the situation you're in .

Keep in touch,

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 10:06am

Thanks so much Beth and Lauren! I know this is right, for everyone. It was just hard going from no conversation with him, to feeling bombarded with his insanity! A different mood every 5-10 minutes. I should be able to pick the book up in a day or 2, since it's coming from a different library than ours here. I can't wait to start reading it!

Thanks again!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 10:33am

Hi Carrie - I have a girlfriend who is going through the exact same thing right now. Her H physically abused her in addition to emotionally and verbally. She had enough and started going to counselling where she realized the stuff he was doing had a name - it was 'abuse'. She confronted him about it - he denied it at first but has started going to counselling and has agreed to go to anger management class. He is now in panic mode and is desparate for her to believe that he has changed (he has only been to one anger management class!). She is waiting until the holidays are over and she and the kids are moving out. Her H listens in on all of her phone calls, questions her non stop when she is at the grocery store for 5 mins too long, tried to follow her into the bathroom - he is paranoid right now. He is losing (or has lost) control over his 'domain' and he is panicking. He is trying to be affectionate with her - she cannot stand it. She starts to feel badly for him and then she snaps right back to reality - he has done this to himself! There is no way her relationship can be saved she just wants out. I think your situation sounds very very similar to me (with a few differences).

Stand your ground. You are doing a good job. Is there anyway you can just go down and pick up the papers rather than wait to be served? It might be worth a phone call!

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 11:09am

Thankyou! I wish your friend the best of luck. I'm starting a new discussion, have good news!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 11:52am

Yup! Go get that book - run to the library! That book helped me so much. I have read it once and I have started reading it again. I learned so much from that book and I am still learning stuff by reading it again.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 11:54am

Feel free to give you friend this website.. even if she just lurks for awhile, she will see that she isn't alone. Of what you have said about her, she is is a tough spot.. and no he hasn't changed a bit!! I am glad she can see that, and wants to get out.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 3:40pm
WOW! I seriously thought for a minute you were talking about me(about your friends situation). Mine is EXACTLY the same. Just about 5 months ago ,I too realized that all this bs that he's been doing for 13 yrs is abuse. I also have went to see a counselor(H refuses to go, but promises to change by himself) When i confronted him about it, at first he said that was the stupidist thing he's ever heard , and he wasn't mentally/verbally abusing me, but I was mentally retarded. After showing him papers from the couselor, he agreed that he did do these things to me.
I have plans as well to leave after to holidays so my kids can have a good Christmas. Right now he is a totaly diff person b/c he knows my feelings have changed. He is very affectionate - which grosses me out. I cant stand to be touched by him and have to pull away when he kisses me because I feel like I need to barf. I guess the way you put it is best...he's paraniod right now and is trying everything possible to get me to think he's changed.
I want to thank you for this post b/c for 2 days now I've been so depressed, knowing that I'm going to leave and knowing that he's being so nice . I feel horrible b/c my feelings for him have changed..but then I just think of all the bad times we've shared and I know that this decision may be very hard, but it is going to be the best decision of my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 6:59pm

Can you believe them? I was starting to feel bad for wanting to go cause he hasn't been as bad, a tiny part of me thought he was changing. I feel the same way about when they try to touch us, I get anxious when he even tries to sit by me now. He got really antsy when the papers were on their way and was mood swinging and all the rest. Last night he had a few choice comments, sarcasm of course. When he does it I smile inside, cause I'm reassured he'll never change and I'm doing the right thing

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your kids, how many do you have? Leaving after Christmas/Holidays seems to be common this year. I know others doing the same. Best of luck with YOUR new life in the New Year!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 7:12pm

Stay the course Meri! As quickly as he became 'nice' he can fly off the handle again.

My H' s abuse was mostly emotional and verbal with some major intimidation thrown into the mix. He started the split but I quickly got on board as I realized that it needed to be done. We too are waiting until after the holidays to tell our young daughters. He called today asking what I wanted for custody - but the more we talked I realized that he is just super ticked off because he has found out what he has to pay in child support. He is literally on the warpath. I know tonight will be explosive with him - nothing seems to affect him until you go near his wallet - then look out!

Bottom line - this is all a very difficult but in the long run you will be happier and your children will be better off. I know in the case of my friend - she just cannot wait until she has her freedom. Her h turn her stomache - they have not slept together in a year and a half. Her H is putting on a real pity party right now.

I'm so glad you found this board. I have found a tremendous amount of comfort here.

(((((((HUGS)))))))))
Rose

Rosecolouredspecs

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