the abuser strikes again
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| Wed, 12-20-2006 - 10:57am |
Hi all - i apologize in advance for the length
I don't know if anyone remembers my story but I needed to come back here to read a few posts, let off some steam, and reestablish my self worth I suppose....
I have avoided my verbally abusive ex after my last post here until yesterday. After his constant barrage of jokes & truth telling ( which really are insults, lies, and a warped sense of thinking on his part). I didn't want to endure anymore and actually thought that he would leave me alone.. but that was only wishful thinking on my part.
After he called me a liar, childish, white trash, etc. he winds up calling & texting me 3 days later. When I didn't respond, the messages became more frequent and sound like "why won't you just talkk to me" & " I don't understand what you're upset about this time, you're always mad at me for no reason". But I hold my ground & ignore them all until yesterday. He called & since I didn't look at the incoming call # I picked up ( i won't be doing that EVER again). It was him, he was out of gas, stuck on a major highway. I happened to be in the area and agreed to bring gas but wondered why in the hell he called me & even more so why I agreed. Fast forward - afterwards he called me non stop & wanted to take me to dinner to thank me plus he hadn't seen me in a while and like the ninny I am, I agreed. Well the dinner was nice....I mean as nice as it could be for 2 reasons...1) in public, he acts like a complete gentleman 2) If we don't speak about our past relationship, then he doesn't point the finger & blame me for all the wrong in his life.
The car ride back to my home, he insisted I go home with him but I declined. Sex with him is amazing but I'm working on that thing called "self respect" a little at a time & do not want to be with a person who treats me so poorly. He became pushy, then whiney, then finally agitated when he didn't get his way. Somehow, that brought the memories of our previous relationship flooding back into his mind & the insults ensued.
He managed to tell me that neither of his parents attened his 6th grade graduation & he was left all alone.. just like I did when we were together. My friends & partying were more important than him & that's not what love is (mind you I was at his beck & call plus I neglected & lost a few friendships since I never saw all my friends or I called them crying after things he did (verbally bash, got psychial at times, left me waiting alone, etc) so they couldn't take it when I didn't leave for 4 yrs). Then he proceeds to tell me that I will be a bad mother when/if I have kids. I quote "you will not change your ways, you will neglect your kids just like you did me. My mother neglected me too so I can already tell you will since she liked to go out & other people were more improtant to her too. You are the same person I dated before, just 10 yrs older & own a house. You know some responsibility now but that's about it". Well when we were together I was 20 & he was 30. Now, I'm 27 so it hasn;t been 10 yrs but everything else he said was bs too. Instead of making my point & defending myself as I usually did, I just said "ok, if that's how you feel, who am i to tell you otherwise." When I got home, he wanted to talk but I can't even recall anything additional he said since I ignored every word and then repeated my last statement when he was finished with his 20 minute scolding. He became angry that I had no additional reply (which I NEVER do... I always try to be logical with him or help him sort his feelings out & recognize I am not his mother nor anyone else who dissapointed him in his life) and sped up to my door so I jumped out & left. His last comment was "have fun going out, that's what you want to do instead of going home with me".
Is there a book & can send him that may help him recognize that he is the one who has the issues? If roles were reversed, I may think that a defining feature of my maddness and denial would be the lack of any relationships in my life. For eg, #1) his 4 family members & he don't speak or if they do, it;s forced and he feels they don't care about eachother #2) his love life stinks & all the girls wind up leaving him )due to his actions & words) #3) his close friends aren;t close.. he has 2 which he sees or talks to twice a year, and he's the one who reaches out #4 )past collegaues don't really respond to his requests to hang out or no longer associate with him
It stinks, he would be the perfect man.. his natural smell, bedroom thunder,intelligent, stable career, adorable accent.... it's just the emotional intelligence & being a decent human being aspect is sorely lacking....
Like another poster said before... it's the same package, just different wrapping!
Anyone else been in a situation like this?
If so, has their ex ever seen the "truth" or have they remained the same bitter, unchanging, mental mess they always were?

No worries about the length.. I think it helps when its longer!
haha.. I have answered the call when I didn't look at the call display, and whoops.. it was the ex!! We got in a huge fight, or I guess he did, because he was the one yelling at me for my past relationships. I know all to well what you are going thru. My ex called me once crying on the voice mail, I felt horrible so I called him back. I shouldn't have, but I know now. It might be a mistake, but as long as you learn something from it, then lesson learned.
The running out of gas on the highway... hmmm. I wonder if it was a trick to get you to feel bad and come help him out. What do you think? Didn't he have anyone else to call to help him out?
You will not be a bad mother!! He is only telling you that to push your buttons and bring you down. It is exaclty the same when he tells you, you are a bitch or white trash or whatever.. he is just saying it to hurt you! That is all!! I don't believe for one minute that you neglected him.. he was abusive, end of story!
Honestly, I think it is a waste of money and time to even bother sending him info or a book on his abuse. He will never understand what he is doing to you or the other past women in his life.
Ya, it does suck that he has all these great qualities..... but you have to accept the good and the bad, that is the package. You deserve the good package, not the warped package!
"it's the same package, just different wrapping!"
I haven't heard that before and it is perfect!!!
I don't know if my ex has changed.. but I will never know. I never want to see him again. My ex went to counselling, but I doubt he will ever see that he is abusive. I told him he was abusive, but he won't belive it. Yes, I still miss him at times, and really miss the good qualities.. but I try and forget about those... becuase it doesn't matter anymore. Of what he did and said to me, he should rot in hell.
Lauren
Hey Lauren,
Thanks for responding and sharing what you've been through too.
It's just so forgein to me how they can act the way they do and never question if it's them who are/cause the problems but are certain it's everyone else who's to blame.
The gas.. hmm, I really felt the urge to check his gas meter to see if it was actually on empty but didn't.... Could he have called someone else, yup, his 75 yr old step dad who's in bed with the flu. Other than that, triple A would've been next. I guess that's why I agreed to talk to him this go around since I know he's pretty much alone and in a stupid way I pity him... but as I always say to him, you're a 37 yr old grown man and are quite capable of making your own decisions and accepting the consequences of your own actions just as I am.
Even though I'm not surprised by the things he says... the bad mother comment was just totally absurd! I mean I'm an independant 27 yr old who has accomplished quite a bit and still strives for more. So my desire/ability to travel the globe, continue my education, and do activities by myself or w/ friends/family are things that make me who I am & what I enjoy. When or if I have children, chances are my life will change to them being the #1 priority in my life. But until that time comes, I'm expierencing as much as I can while it's only me. I didn't feel the need to convey this to him in response to his ridiculous statement since it would fall on deaf ears plus I do not want to dignify any more of his comments. I should not have to defend or explain myself or why I'm not the evil person he makes me out to be. I;ve asked him many of times why he continues to talk to me if he doesn;t like anything I do or who I am.. but I don't get any breal answer from him.... I mean, if I met a person who was arrogant, selfish, and rude who likes blowing up mail boxes or making people cry for fun, why on earth would I want to spend time with them?.. I wouldn't... I would not associate with such a person... so if he feels i;m eveil, why won't he just leave me alone?????
It's amazing how he's reaching by making statements such as that to push my buttons but now, I've learned to let them go and not allow him to make me feel bad/sad about things he has said.
Here we are, 2 days after his barrage of bs and he's calling me, leaving messages asking me to hang out with him tonight since he already misses seeing me. "how about the movies, dinner again, broadway show, what ever you want... i just want tp spend more time with you".
I just want to click my heels three times and hope he goes away.