Got served yesterday!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Got served yesterday!
7
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 11:34am

I got the divorce papers yesterday, and my appt with my lawyer is tomorrow. The guy pulled in behind me on my way home from picking up DD from pre-school. I noticed him in my mirror so I left DD'd door closed and walked behind the van to meet him. She asked who it was, I said he had papers for me and she didn't ask anything else.

Sorry if this gets long, but I also had counseling last night too. One of the things he's been saying is that he's giving me exactly what I want, fair enough. It's just so ridiculous. We could've gone through one laywer, we had agreed on what we wanted, but no, he'll pay out the but to file this way. He wasn't lying either, he did file for full custody and child support. He's gotta run this whole divorce just like he did our marriage, calling all the shots, making all the choices. As far the custody thing, I'm sure that's why he called the cops a couple of weeks ago, 3 days before his appt with the lawyer to file. It was a desperate attemp to make me look like a bad mother. It was also upsetting because I've been doing child care from home for 7 years! He is sick and disgusting and will do anything to keep control.

He says in one breath he's giving me exactly what I want, than tells me this is all me. I'm doing this. He files divorce papers than tells me that it can be stopped. Last night he says he sorry for everything. All I said was ok. There's no going back to him. I've never even told him I thought he was abusive, or called it that to him. But that's better anyway, he would've lied about getting help. When we talk about the kids, that's when he says it's all me. He says we'll talk to them together, than he says I'm doing this, I'll have to tell them! I did a search for a book that my counselor recommended to help kids get through divorce, I should have it soon. Lodest son that was 1 year when we started dating is having a very hard time, he is acting out, lashing out, grades are dropping. Everything I try seems to work for a few days, than he starts all over again. He'll need to see a counselor.

Thanks for listening, I'll be posting more soon.

carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 11:42am

Hi Carrie,

I'm happy to hear that you finally got the divorce papers... and it is starting from here. Meeting the lawyer tomorrow, the ball is bouncing! Ya, it is pretty silly how he wanted to go thru 2 lawyers instead of 1. That is just another example of him getting his way without even thinking what you want. It always has to go their way!! I also agree that it is a good thing that you didn't tell him he was abusive. I don't think there is any point in even bringing it up. All it would do would cause a huge fight, you saying sorry, and nothing getting fixed. It would be a waste of time. In one ear and out the other!

Lauren

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 1:59pm

Congratulations...I know it's bittersweet and he's doing the mind games [it's your fault}. They don't listen to us-it's all "us" although I wonder if deep down they know the truth and simply say that because it's hurtful and bugs us.

Hang in there-he doesn't want custody. He's using kids as a weapon.

Your son is acting out cause he feels the "wrongness' of the situation and probably doesn't have the words...Bancroft's book talks about the kids too. In fact he has a separate book for kids who have witnessed abuse....

When you're safe and settled your son will also feel safer and more grounded.

Hugs,
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 2:12pm

Merry Christmas !!!!! I am almost jealous! It is hard to believe how much those of us living through this actually look forward to true freedom! 2007 is going to be a fabulous year for you! He can shove it up his nose with a rubber hose.

As for your children - I agree that counselling would be helpful. I plan on having my daughters attend a couple of sessions to ensure they are ok with things. I think it is better to take that step than wish you had a year or two down the road.

Hang in there !
Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 2:21pm

Thanks Beth and Lauren! I'm relieved that this is in motion, I'll find out more tomorrow. I went back and wrote down the dates of all the recent nonsense, but boy did it go on and on. This divorce wont be fun, but I've come to far to sacrifice what dignity and self-respect I have left. I just have to consider how every little decision will effect the kids.

I know once the atmosphere has changed and that constant tension is gone, all the kids will pick up on that and adjust. I'm not leaving the school district, they'll still have their friends over and still have all their bedroom furniture, it was all mine from before marriage. There's not much marital property that I want, most of the money went into his house, landscaping. I want the living room furniture and the van, those are the only big items I want. I don't believe he'll be honest about his accounts, since they're in his name only. I'm so grateful for a lawyer I've used and trust, I'm going to ask more tomorrow about his experience in abusive cases. He called H a control freak in Jan when I 1st retained him, only on the way the money was set up. It will help me to know how we're going to proceed.

Now to figure out how to talk to the kids after Christmas. I'm really hoping I can get that book the counselor told me about in the next couple of days, I need to read something about it before I attempt to talk with them.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 4:19pm

Hey Carrie,
Great thing's are coming your way! I am with you in spirit, and sending you big hugs, your on your way, isn't great!!!
Merry Christmas.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 8:45pm

Dearie, he did you a HUGE favor by insisting on his own lawyer.
It's like going to generic counseling together. They can snow. They're charming, reasonable, victims, and THEY'RE paying the bill. The lawyer works for THEM, not you.

In any divorce, "regular" or not, you need your own and you need a SHARK. For some reason everyone goes into these situations wanting everything to be roses and light. PLEEEEEZE. If things were, we wouldn't get to the divorce point in the first place.

It's like relying on a house seller's real estate agent. Not Your best interests at heart!

If you're not documenting, start, OK?

Also, don't worry so much about HOW to talk to your kids. Just do. It's not like it's going to be news to them. Anyone who thinks they're hiding anything from their kids is deluding themselves. What ends up happening is the kids begin to think it's they who are bad and if they're only better/get good grades/are quieter/you name it, things will be OK again. So just talk. Let him make the drama; you be the calm, rational one.

Try asking them what they think and what they've decided is going on. If you ask questions, they'll tell you what they need to know and are worried about. Kind of like where babies come from. Parents get ready with this huge, biological discussion and all the kid wants to know is if they come out through the belly button.

Ok, not so simple, but you catch my drift? :)

C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 8:03am

It makes me cry, but I do have to just do it and talk with them. I was hoping he'd talk to them with me, but can't wait on him. They have next week off and no sports. Will do it over vacation when they have the whole week off and it doesn't disrupt school as much. They'll have the week to talk incase questions come up after the 1st talk.

Carrie