Thankyou

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Thankyou
9
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 7:59pm

Just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone. Sometimes I feel like it's wrong to uproot the kids, that is my only concern now. I'm numb when it comes to H and have no feeling left for him. I'm at the point where I need to remind myself daily of all that has happened and what it is that's happened. Without everyone sharing their stories of abuse, I'd have probably tried to brush it off and go on with life as it was. I read about what's being said and done to you all, or has been. I need those reminders every day, that my future is without this pain and recognize that I'm missing out on life, being here. I read about your pain, and I wouldn't want that for anyone, why did I allow it for myself?

Looking forward now! I'm sure I'll screw up somethings! My kids will be hurt and confused at 1st. But I feel so much more capable of being there for them, and recognize that they will always come 1st. I was a mess, stumbling through each day. Now each day has more meaning. I can't wait to have the bills come in my name again, and make the choice of having long distance, and no, fabric softener is not a waste of money! I'm so excited about having my own life again! I'm sure I'll be posting quite a bit, and venting about the divorce. I appreciate your responses. Thanks for taking the time to help me!

Happy Holidays and A Very Happy Newy Year,

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: cschristiaa
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 8:27pm

Carrie, you're doing something very frightening and very brave. IMHO, you're saving your kids' lives.

Dearheart, have you started to journal? You can even do it here, uploading the files, then destroying the history on your system.

Not only do you need to document for legal reasons, but your own sanity. When your memory glosses the horrors over, it's there in writing. Your hand writing. The frightening thing is that it always looks like someone else's life.

One more thing. Small, yet huge.
I don't know how old your kids are, but they're going to ask.
Please try not to gloss things over to them. Things can be couched carefully, but they need to be out in the open. You left because you wanted them to have a life without screaming and yelling. You left because you nor them were treated respectfully as human beings. You left because you wanted to protect them. See, this way, when the nut cases get custody, the kids KNOW when certain behaviors are NOT normal, NOT OK, and most likely, why they want to go home.

See what I mean, bean? Silence tells people things are OK. Speaking out brings the fungus out into the light where it shrivels and shrinks to a small, screamingly sick lump.

Happy Holidays to you, too. Be brave.:) Holidays can be though in the most normal-est of times!

C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: cschristiaa
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 8:52pm

Hey C,

Thanks for the comment that "silence tells people things are o.k." I'm struggling with how to tell my young adult sons...if I should use the word "abuse' or simply say we're no longer partners.

I need to figuire that out....

Carrie, take care you're doing really well. At least your lawyer gets that he's a "control freak". Keep us posted.

Take care,
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: cschristiaa
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 9:14pm

Sweetie, there are many ways to put it.

First, just let them know you've needed to make a change and are trying to move on. Ask them for their support. Everyone needs to feel needed!

Then there are other words to use if you're shy about the word "abuse." "Abuse" can be very misunderstood. Most people mistakenly figure if there aren't bruises or broken bones, it can be sucked up or worked through.

Emotionally damaging is one way.
We've tried to work things out, but it takes two.
I have been drowning and it's time for me to make changes in myself.
I was miserably unhappy is another.
I'm sure the back and forth stuff hadn't escaped them over the years, nor your depression and sadness.

If they were around for your previous ... um ... issue? person? Then they can probalby figure out what was going on.

They love you. YOu can't really do it wrong.
C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: cschristiaa
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 10:38pm

You're right...I guess I'm so disappointed that I've done it again...i.e. unhealthy relaitonship-but at least I'm moving forward.....

Thanks for giving me some "words"-and you're right in that they've been around and I think "get it"-I'll post after I talk to them..

Sweet dreams,
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
In reply to: cschristiaa
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 7:50am

Dealing with the kids is going to be awfully hard. See, my 2 oldest I had very young and they were around the father of my 2 middle kids that was physically abusive, the older 2 know why we left him as I've discussed it with them as they witnessed the abuse. The children I had with the X were very young and out of respect for our children in common we never discussed it with them. DS recently asked me and I told him the truth. DD found out on her own how unreliable he was and disconnected somewhat on her own. About this relationship, H is wonderful with the kids. Actually the house is split, I think 3 of the kids will do better with us leaving and the other 3 will be angry with me. I worry knowing that my 2 youngest are of the age that they will blame themselves. I know he'll be a consistent part of their lives, so they'll continue to have relationships with us both. My 13 year old daughter is very close to him, and very snotty with me. She'll be a hard one, she blames everything on me, almost talks to me the same as he does, and I'm really tired of her attitude. You're right though, I'll have to call it what it is. This whole situation has made me very careful of how I talk to my kids, since I know how painful it is to be scolded, I'll enforce the rules but rarely raise my voice anymore.

Sorry for going on, it just got me thinking. Have my appt today, will post after I talk to the lawyer.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: cschristiaa
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 10:09am

Oh, you have your work cut out for you in the 13 year old. She's of the age that she can go either way for the rest of her life. Speaking the way HE does to you, if it gets rises out of you, is exactly what she's replicating. What an extra stress this is going to be. Daddy's little girl is pretty normal, but I'm sure the way kids read faces, he's rewarding her for mimicing him. DRAG.

Well, dearie. It sounds to me like you have a very good handle on things. As good as it can be right now, right? I think the kids might be your toughest assignment, which is no surprise. :)

I would like to pose something else to you. Once you're out. There's a pattern here with you. You've chosen a 2nd abuser, albeit a less visible form of abuse. Unfortunately sometimes far more damaging, as you now know. I'm hoping for you, you'll do some DV counseling, perhaps through a shelter's referral, or if your doctor has a clue, a referral there. I know in your heart, the last thing you'd rather do would be to hook up with a THIRD abuser!

It's odd, isn't it? You did end up with a 2nd, but by virtue of the 1st, you have a better handle on what to do now. Not knowing you, I can't imagine your state of mind after the 1st, but I am impressed with the little I see here. You're not being fooled by any of his hoo-ha!

I look forward to hearing what your lawyer has to say. I'm just nosey.

C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: cschristiaa
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 10:33am

Carrie,

My son would speak to me in a condenscending tone that his dad used. It's taken time to improve the situation and set boundaries...for a while his anger extended to his younger brother. We had a hard few years and it's so much better now-he recognizes and apologizes if he slips and is sarcastic or unkind and we're able to talk it out fairly quickly. The slips are few and far between too. He tells me he loves me, that I'm a good mom and he has a lot of compassion and kindness. The abuser didn't win him over after all. In fact, he'll visit his dad but very rarely spend the night there.

Are your kids in counseling? the Bancroft book addresses kids issues too. You're saving you and the kids . Your daughter doesn't know that right now. Keep doing the next right thing . It'll get better-you'll have more energy to cope when you're in your own home!!!! YAH!!!!

Hugs to you,
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: cschristiaa
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 2:20pm

I feel the same way about this board... without hearing other stories I don't know how I would have moved on. I really don't think I could move on. This board is amazing.. and eveyrone is so great on this board! It is one thing that I am truly grateful for :)

Hope you have a Happy Holiday as well Carrie

Lauren :o)

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
In reply to: cschristiaa
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 3:54pm

Oh yes 13 yr old has always been my squeaky wheel, and she does try to get a rise out of me. Part of why she's testing the waters a little more is for the reaction from me, it's lacking and I'm trying to be calm. Her and H are close, and as you thought, she often gets him to get her stuff I can't afford with my own money. Other older girls don't have much to do with him. On another note, she's a great girl! Trustworthy, high honor roll, very athletic and a mind of her own! She'll do great in life! We will definitely be having some sit downs and discussing respect. The hard part about the kids will be seeing their pain. The less time I think of him and his games, the more focused I am on them so it'll be good, soon.

My Dr is wonderful, and very accepting of this as abuse. My counselor doesn't verbalize it as abuse, but does remind me that he treats me with the same restrictions as our kids. Actually they have more leeway! SICK! I've been to DV once and can continue to go since I have Fridays off, you're right I should be doing that regularly. Can try to get in tomorrow. H as an abuser, it being mostly emotional and financial was so much harder to define! In my previous relationship I went to ED with a panic attack, a few months after my more recent visit I realized why. I was going to family court, X wanted to lower his support. I had a million logical reasons why that was unfair, one of them being that more financial responsibility would fall on H! After court, there was no modification to the order, I was still very anxious and had panic attacks. I finally in counseling realized that it was brought on by the realization that if my support went down, I was more financially dependant on him, I have to ask, he complains or refuses, while buying worthless crap that we don't need. Bottom line, I had to face that this relationship made me feel just as awful as the last.

Lawyer says H wont get kids, it was a rather short appt, since I have no financial info. There's one thing I care about, kids! Got home and got papers from court in the mail. H said there would be an order not allowing me to take the kids from the house, but it's actually out of the state. I'm such a risk you know, with my $70/week! Jerk! I'm going far on that. I do get support too. I was so anxious before, cried a little during and felt better after. I asked him about what to do if he started harrassing me and explaind what's been going on, he said call the cops, tell them you fear for your safety, and they will remove him. Then he's gone for the duration. I never would have done it before, I will now, he's done F-ing with me! About the previous relationship...I was quite a cocky thing 10 years ago. He'd hit me and I'd get right back in his face, I wouldn't back down to anyone. It was stupid I know, but why does it feel better knowing I at least defended myself then?

Sorry for the book!

Carrie