I need help on leaving my husband
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I need help on leaving my husband
| Fri, 12-22-2006 - 9:18am |
I have been married for five years. My husband is the Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde. We get along when he's sober but when he drinks he is cruel. I have asked him to get help for his problem but he just laughs in my face.
In the past he has choked me and thrown me into a wall(or other objects). Now he is mostly verbally abusive and intimidating. Last weekend was awful because he got in a physical fight with one of our good friends. I was crying because i felt so bad. I couldn't do much to help because my husband is large man. I was very upset with him and told him he should apologize. I haven't felt liking having sex with him since then because the way he acted still is upsetting me. He got very angry with me yesterday because i wouldn't have sex. He accused me of having an affair with his friend. It was horrible.
I found out he is cheating on me again. I want to leave him because i can't deal with him anymore. We have two young children and i don't want them to have to see this. My friends are trying to help me figure out what to do. I am terrified to tell him i want a divorce. Does anyone have any information for me on what to do? Or where i can get tested for STD's so my husband doesn't find out? The women he cheated on me with is a big time slut. I don't want him to know that i know because he won't tell the truth anyway and i don't want to fight with him.
In the past he has choked me and thrown me into a wall(or other objects). Now he is mostly verbally abusive and intimidating. Last weekend was awful because he got in a physical fight with one of our good friends. I was crying because i felt so bad. I couldn't do much to help because my husband is large man. I was very upset with him and told him he should apologize. I haven't felt liking having sex with him since then because the way he acted still is upsetting me. He got very angry with me yesterday because i wouldn't have sex. He accused me of having an affair with his friend. It was horrible.
I found out he is cheating on me again. I want to leave him because i can't deal with him anymore. We have two young children and i don't want them to have to see this. My friends are trying to help me figure out what to do. I am terrified to tell him i want a divorce. Does anyone have any information for me on what to do? Or where i can get tested for STD's so my husband doesn't find out? The women he cheated on me with is a big time slut. I don't want him to know that i know because he won't tell the truth anyway and i don't want to fight with him.

I saw your post and decided to chime in here.
Welcome to the board dakotachick :o)
I'm sorry that you are dealing with all of this. Of what you described, it is all abuse.
First of all, he has physically hurt you before.. you need to know how serious this is. It always gets worse with time. He might be only emotionally abusive now, but that doesn't mean he won't ever hurt you again.
It makes me mad that he accused you of an affair becuase you wouldn't have sex with him - it doesn't suprise me, but it makes me mad. They turn everything around and make a mountain out of a molehill!! They really do. It always gets blown way out of proportion!!!
I live in Canada, so it is probably differnt to get checked for STD's up here... Can you go to a walk in clinic or anything?? That is what I could get checked here.. but it's probably different than the states.
Yes, you need to leave for your children. They are growing up in teh abusive environment. They really do feel and see the tension and fights between you and your husband.. even if you don't think they see it. It is very unhealthy for them.
I'm so glad you have a support system. Your friends are wonderful for trying to help you out. Can you go and stay with them? Move in with them for a little while? Do you have any family around?
Here is the board website for you to check out. There is tons and tons of information on here.. There is also a domestic abuse hotline number that you can call, if you ever need to talk to anybody. 1.800.799.SAFE
Lauren
http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm
Thank you for giving me that number. My friends have offered to let me stay with them but i'm trying to get everything in order. They want me to call and talk to the domestic violence place so they can help me, too. I just want to make sure when i leave i do it right. I have family but i can't really go to them. I grew up in a very abusive home and my mom is still with my step-dad. I would feel terrible bringing her and my grandma into this.
This is going to be a long road ahead of me. I am currently going to college so my husband makes most of our money. The financial situation worries me but my friends told me about some programs so hopefully they will help me out. I am going to try and keep this quiet until after christmas. Right now i am trying to research all my options. Do you think i should talk to a lawyer? I am worried my husband will try and take my children away from me. I don't think he should be allowed because of his drinking problem.
I'm not trying to be witch about leaving him. But i do think somehow it will get turned around to be my fault. In the past when i've told him what he's done to me he says,"I would never do that to you!" Something is up with him and i'm not sure what. He's never came out and accused me of an affair before. My friends think he is feeling guilty and he probably is but he seems off somehow. Maybe i'm overeacting but it worries me.
Dakota
Dakota
Hi Dakota,
Have you documented anything that he has done to you? Whether it be letters, e-mails, phone messages, pictures... anything! It is all very important.. If you haven't done any of that, try to start if you have anything to document.
There will most likely be a womens shelter in your area. You can go and stay there. I know the one in my town, you can stay up to a month.. free counselling, support groups..
When do you finish college? Probably May or so eh? I am so happy that you have friends that will help you out! I know I said that before, but it is wonderful! Keep posting on this board, call the DV number.. and check out the board website.. there is tons and tons of information on there that will help you out.
Also, here is a website for women's laws to do with DV in all states.
www.womenslaw.org
Yes, it will be a long road ahead of you.. but it will be well worth the effort!! I have never heard of anyone tht said they regretted leaving their abuser... it just isn't possible. It is great when you leave.. just freedom... no more abuse.
Yes, you should get a lawyer, if you are for sure going to file for a divorce. I strongly suggest getting a lawyer that specializes in Domestic Violence. I would call the # and ask them.. they will know more than I do... hope others will chime in on this one.
Lauren
I have never documented anything he has done to me. I have witnesses for the choking incident. My friends that were there said they would testify if comes down to that. That happened like 4 or 5 yrs ago. But they have seen how he treats me when he drinks and what he can be like. Does that count for documentation? I don't have any other option than to file for divorce. I've just come to the realization that he'll never change. I have tried my best to love and support him but it's no use. If he won't help himself how can i?
I am currently taking the pre-reqs for a nursing major. I have another 2 yrs after this one until i finish because i intend on getting my RN. I need to be able to support myself and my children so that is why i want to go on.
Do you think the DV could help me find a lawyer? I have no money if i leave him so i don't know how in the world i can pay. I feel so naive with alot of this information. I should never have gotten married.
Dakota
Dakota
You know deep down you're not overreacting. Trust your gut, despite what he screams at you.
If you're in school, talk to student services about counseling and legal services, too. They must also be confidential. Many campuses have domestic/partner violence departments. Their usual thing is date rape, but there are so many young relationships that are violent and unrecognized, schools are being forced to step up to the plate.
I also STRONGLY recommend you document. As you've probably read by now, later when you doubt yoursefl? The journal helps remember why. Plus, it's legally submissable.
Forget the being loving and supportive crap. Sorry, it is crap. It's not about you and never will be. You're not powerful enough to love and support the twisted ego/self-esteem abusers have. Throw alcohol/substance into the mix and you AND your kids are in a deadly situation.
Which brings me to another point: Al-Anon. Get into it, and take your kids to Al-a-Teen. They take kids as young as 4 years old, and for VERY good reason. These groups give you and them HUGE coping skills not only to deal with the abuser, but to deal with your own upbringing. After all, you didn't pick a particularly different situation than your mom, (probably) did you? Your kids don't need to repeat this, so since you're aware and ready to get them out, take it the next step. I also swear to GOD every parent with a teenager should be REQUIRED to get into Al-Anon. {LOL} It gives you the skills to avoid being sucked into the drama the vortex of adolescence is. Keeps you sane, I believe. My opin-onion.
Ironically, all you're going through is pretty common. Sad to say, but my point is never, ever believe you're alone or that no one understands. Far, far too many do or these boards, among other things, wouldn't exist.
Being in the medical field, start reading about DV from a medical standpoint. In an emergency room, DV results are a very common patient situation. DV is the primary cause of head trauma to women in the US. If not resulting in death, resulting in disability such as hearing or sight loss, broken jaws, brain damage. From that? More dependency on the abuser. Car accidents are a distant joke, as far as damaging women.
I digress. I do hug and contratulate you on recognizing this situation as escalating. Start socking away money, documents, clothes, etc. I tend to lecture or just plain go on. If you do a search under any of the CLs' posts, or mine, you'll find lots of things to do to prepare for leaving. But do be CAREFUL! They have this antenna and can sniff out when something's up....
This can be the most dangerous time..
Trust your gut; it's trying to talk to you.
Courage, dearheart.
C.
"I should never have gotten married."
Dakota, welcome to the board.