Very long evening...
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| Fri, 12-22-2006 - 11:00am |
Excuse me, since this will probably turn into rambling. My thoughts aren't very organized right now. 1st, today is DD's 4th b-day! She loves her new bike! We'll have cake and ice cream and a few small gifts tonight.
I'm pretty disgusted with myself right now, for feeling guilty about being completely honest with H last night about my feelings. He asked if I had feelings for him, I told him no, that I'm numb. I want to break down and scream and cry! I want to tell him how afraid I've been of him at times, and how hurt! I want an apology, I want him to accept respnsibility! But I will have to move on without it. I cannot trust him, I cannot believe him. So I remind myself that him calling me a cumbag was not a joke, in no way funny.
He asked me if I was mad at getting the paperwork. I told him I was disappointed in him, and I was sad that the kids would have to go through a law guardian. I told him he filed contested, and I don't believe him. He said he wasn't going to pursue custody, we could agree. I told him I'd have to prepare for a custody fight, that he's lied about so much of this that I wasn't taking a chance on trusting him any more. He looked over my paperwork and said it'd be nice if he had gotten it too. BS, I'm sure he has his.
He asked me if having sex was off the table and laughed, I said it was. Freak! I woke up to him laying down next to me in the living room and went upstairs to sleep. I can't tell you how glad I am that I woke up! Since I had like 5 beers last night and with my medicine, when I sleep I sleep hard! He has initiated sex before while I'm sleeping.
There was no yelling or raised voices. One day at a time. I tried to call my aunt to borrow money, I told him I was going to. He will not like that, since he will think that we should be paying for this. I'll have to pay her back.
I'll have to finish up Christmas shopping, or he will. I'm making a list of what's left, and he can decide. I'm not spending what little money I have. But, I'm taking it out of my account and keeping extra money out of there, holding onto cash.
Thanks for listening. Have to get off my butt and get DD ready for school. I feel bad being on here so often, there's so much to get done. I need this though, it's part of me healing, and I need to accept this and finally acknowledge that I need to take care of myself too. I deserve a break.
Carrie

Thanks! I hope you and DD have a nice Christmas! How's your place coming along?
Hi Carrie,
It is very normal to feel numb, to have no feelings towards him. It is normal! Yes, it is also very normal to feel guilty for feeling that way. You can't deny your feelings and you were being honest with him, which is a good thing. You can't accept responsibility, because you aren't responsible for the problems in your relationships. I know how you feel about wanting an apology...but don't hold your breath. Abusers don't think they do anything wrong... you see.. and that is why WE are the ones to eventually apologize to clear up the air.
They just have to ask for sex eh? Like, hello.. HELL NO - I'm not having sex with you. They just have to ask one more time.. they are sick. I am glad you woke up, because if he did end up having sex with you while you were sleeping, I would consider that sexual abuse.
Thats great that you are holding onto a bit of money here and there.. it will eventually add up and add up. Keep it hidden away so he can't find it.
Don't aoplogize for being on here and posting all the time. Don't ever apologize again!! it is great that you are on here... helping others, learning lots, getting stronger and stronger.
(((HUGS)))
Lauren
Lauren's right.
You KNOW if he apologizes for ANYTHING, it's a lie to get what he wants.
Ok, sure. He might be sorry, but it's sorry that HE has to go THROUGH this to get a little nookie. Ever-suffering POC.
You're not rambling. It's good to get these feelings down in writing, because whether anyone realizes this or not, it's documenting. It's in writing and later you can't say you didn't mean it. {lol}
Hang tight. Keep hiding the cash. Too bad while he was sleeping you couldn't snag a few bucks out of his wallet. Ah well. Those guys have trip lines on their wallets, don't they?
Hang tight, girlie. Great job on being honest, yet not screaming what you really think. Numbness is better than pain, I think. One can work from a place of apathy.
C.
Carrie,
Keep your eyes on the prize...freedom.
Sometimes when I feel so mixed up I almost see myself walking through a storm with my head down and leaning into it to keep moing forward. This is what you are doing...one moment, one step at a time...you are moving forward and away from this man. You'll be safe and secure and can sleep without some creepo touching you ..
hugs to you,
Beth
p.s. your posts help everyone....we all know where you'e at and it's validating!so keep posting. It is self care. I know I post a lot cause I need to share and not feel alone and scared.
Thanks Lauren, C and Beth,
It's been a terribly long weekend. I loved spending it with the kids! Even though H didn't go to family get together, my kids were better behaved than when he's around undermining all of my rules. On top of that I took my almost 1 yr old nephew. Strange that a 1yr old and my 6 kids are easier to take care of than him?
I really needed the encouragement you gave! I've been feeling bad for him, but not given in. I'll catch you up later, want to read the other posts. Thankyou so much!
Carrie