Back again 1 yr later,
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| Sat, 12-23-2006 - 2:16pm |
I feel so stupid to have spent another year of my life with him.
Last year on Dec. 21, he got physical for the first time, and by Christmas day I had kicked him out, but then I felt sorry for him and let him come back. Since he figured out there is no way I am putting up with physical, he has decided to go way verbal, and yesterday because I wouldnt have sex with him since I have had bronchitis for 3 days, he called me a psychotic bitch and told me he was leaving me and instead stayed around the house not speaking to me. (he tells me he is leaving all the time) I told him to go ahead and leave that I am sick of his crap. Now its the next day and he is calling me like nothing happened. He always told me he would leave before he would make me hate him, but I think he waited too long.
We have been together 2 years. We have no kids together and dont own anything together. The house is mine, and my kids are from my exhusband. I depend on him very slightly financially, as I dont get child support (ex is disabled). I dont know what I am doing sometimes. He has made me feel so loved so many times, how can he behave so unlovingly at other times?
I feel so alone. I dont have any friends, they all moved away or grew apart, and I havent been allowed to make new ones during this relationship of course because he has to own every second of my life that I am not at work. God, I cant even cry anymore. I know I am not a stupid person, but how can the desire to feel loved snow your vision so badly?
Anyway, just coming back to my annual date with the board here, and offering out holiday hugs to all of you.

Hey there cirrus.
Hi Cirrus :o)
Don't beat yourself up over staying with him another year. There is just no point, because it will just bring you down. Think of it as this.... leave now and don't wait another year.... if you do stay with him, you will do the exact same thing next Christmas when it all happens again. He won't change, he just won't change.. no matter what he says... it is all lies and empty promises.
He might only be verbally and emotionally abusive now.. but it really is just as damaging. It causes bruises deep down on your soul.. it take years to heal those bruises. He is destroying your self esteem, day after day.
"He has made me feel so loved so many times, how can he behave so unlovingly at other times?" *** Beacuse that is what abusers do. They have to act nice sometimes, or nobody would stay with them. All it is, is a rollercoaster.
You are not alone.. everytime you feel alone, come to this board and there is many many women that feel the same way that you do. Alone. But we aren't alone as we sometimes think.
Good Luck to you over the holidays... come back as much as you need to.. we are all here for you.
Lauren
Honey,
Your intellect knows this is total crap AND it's ruining your kids' future as he eats your soul.
Why don't you give yourself the gift of DV counseling? If he pisses and moans, tell him you're sick from stress-related illness and did he want to send you to the hospital?
Don't waste another year of your life. Find out what you need to do to help you move past it/him/this. Find out why you don't love yourself (or your kids) enough to DEMAND better?
Maybe start planning for the day you ARE self-confident enough to leave? Save a little here and there... copy a few documents and put them somewhere safe... start the journal you'll need later ... just look at a few apartments and enjoy their total silence. A few ideas. It's easier to make decisions out of a place of power and security than it is on the fly, scared to death.
You're worth far too much for posts like this.
Hugs and safe Christmas to you.
C.