H is a such a jack a$$ - long vent....
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| Sat, 12-23-2006 - 9:14pm |
H called me at work this week to ask what I want for custody - we had already discussed this so I just reiterated. He was fine with what I said. Then he asked me what I wanted for support. I said I didn't know, that I needed to consult an expert about that. Then he flew off of the handle because he had just found out how much he would have to pay and he was pissed to say the very least.
I kept saying that I wasn't going to gouge him but that I wanted what was fair. "Do you know how much I have to pay on a xxxxxx$$$$ income? I would have to pay you $XXXXXX with daycare and other stuff on top. That is complete BS!!! He was super pissed and clearly he could care less about custody. I kept saying that anything I got would go to the girls and he keeps saying that he doesn't want them to suffer at all - but did he forget that we are all attached at the friggin hip???? I tolf him it really sounds like he is saying "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine! He kind of backed off at that point. Bottom line I earned more money that he did for 7 of our 8 married years. This is the first year his salary has taken off. He had a much larger down payment on our first house than I did and he wants all of that back. He is not entitled but I just might give in just to keep him off of my back...
He sold a couple of houses this week and sarcastically said it was more money for him. I playfully said "and don't you think for a moment that we don't appreciate it' and he very sarcastically said that he is not feeling very 'motivated' this year. THREATS! He is such an ass.
Then today he he wanted a BJ. That is his big thing - the reason why he wants to end the marriage - all over the quality of sex (my heart isn't in it - gee I wonder why?). I agreed to the BJ just to keep the peace. Well he didn't like my technique so he got pissed off and left the house in a fit. I know I will be in for an earful tonight... hopefully that is all! I am hoping it just reminded him of why he wants out of this marriage (he thinks I am too inhibited - after years of put down and complaints I just can't stand having sex with him, but dutifully have at least twice per week!) .... If I could snap my fingers and jump ahead past our divorce negotiations (not a chance they will be amicable when all he cares about is how much is left in his pocket!)
Remember that old song "there's a real fine line between love and hate...."
Rose

He's worried about him, not you guys. Don't settle, don't negotiate, he's not looking out for you. I'm sure he's ticked, he'll have less. You go for what you deserve and have contributed towards. I know they suck us in, we feel sorry. Focus on what you'll need, not him.
H used to say I was too inhibited too, it made me feel awful thinking I couldn't even satisfy my own husband. He's trying to make you feel badly. Ask yourself, does he go out of his way to please you? About the BJ, sick. I understand though. H bought DS a R/C Hummer car, asked him if he likes hummers? "Yeah, I do too, I just never get em". What a freak! I'm guessing he's always criticized you in one way or another sexually, it's not you, he's controlling that part of your life like all the rest. H did too. Once to prove I wasn't inhibited, I made a movie w/ him, stupid. He has a copy I can't get to, thank God my face isn't in it!
Try not to feel bad for him. Think of yourself for a change!
Carrie
You know that is so true! After years and years of emotional and verbal abuse I did not look forward to sex with my husband and it use to be great but I got to where I just avoided it until I had to do it or I wanted to. Our adult son has been living with us and so it has been hard to find time alone but he still pouted and griped because he wasnt getting enough. When he started watching porn on the internet there was little time involved.
We were married and divorced before but we always continued our sex life and even lived together ........
But now that he says he loves this married woman in Montana so much.......and even though she wont leave her husband.....(though she did say he has had two heart attacks)What does THAT Mean?? when said in that dialog? hmmmmm
She still hasnt told their 29 yr old daughter that he is her father........he says her husband has always known.....yeah right. I bet.!
She messed around on her husband for 6 months till he came back from the service then she left with him carrying my husbands child. fast forward 29 years later....... Now she still tells my H she wont divorce him but she loves my H more. and of course he loves her more than he ever could have me.
how sick this soap opera is. I consider their 20 hours a month of phone calls then add the long emails and the devotion and the Call me Anytime you need to and the talk of possibly getting together I consider that another adulterous liason on her husband.
whatever! I have been so hurt and broken and even wake up crying...each morning. But I feel better being on this board and I print out the positive affirmations I find. I have been on the Surviving Divorce board but when I came to the abuse board it helped me to be happier that this is happening. He was verbally and emotionally abusive for 28 yrs and I still loved him. have read all the good books about verbal abuse etc but still have tried to love him. I have come to conclusion that its only my feelings of abandonment that are causing me to grieve so. that and we did have a good sex life now I have none as I told him I can never do that again. he not only loves the married woman in Montana
he has been on yahoo personals for three years. how do I know that he hasnt slept with someone in this are he met on there? I dont want to get a disease I told him.
Rose I understand about the sex........I have done that so many times befor when we were on our way apart from each other. I even would pretend I was a hooker so that would make up for the lack of real affection.
When I read all these stories it reminds me how his body language always made me feel hated, how he would ridicule me all me time and try to get my kids to join in . How he always said I was not good enough for him. this other woman is a strong member of a church ..........he said he would go to church with her though he may be a Jack-******.
Well I have to keep coming here and be reminded of how unhappy I have been all these years and he isnt gonna change. they say they getworse before it gets better. I think maybe he ran out of ways to hurt me cause I would just laugh it off.....but this one was the big time all hurt.
And possibly he has been smiling as I cry. ? well maybe it is all just cause he loves this married woman with all his heart and soul that he knew for six months and of course not me.........maybe he does love her.
so what! I am not going to ever have sex with him again. NEVER! I will do solo sex before I will let this man drag me in and manipulate me again. I feel so for you Rose. I know that hurts I know cause I have been there done that. Hang in there. Take care of yourself!! Put yourself first always dear girl!
This will all pass for us both and we can start a new wonderful life. We must watch for any signs showing emotional or verbal abuse if we meet someone. I am 57 so I may just fall in love with my hobbies and my little house and my kids and grand kids!
Oh my God Carrie - you are exactly right! We were eating dinner the other night and my two year old said something was too spicey. H said that he liked spice but mommy didn't right mommy? He kept asking me and asking me and I just kept ignoring him. I took some pictures for my H way back at the beginning of our relationship also to prove I wasn't inhibited. I regret those too but I might actually ask for them in the divorce just to make sure they are in safe hands (I will burn them!).
Thanks again for your reply - it sounds like there are a lot of parralells in our life - sad to think someone has these things in commom... (((((Hugs))))))
Rose
Hi Meri - My H is definitely the same - he wants sex all the time - the way he wants it which is always raunchy. While he is always willing to please me - I just want it over with. After listening to his constant insults and put downs - most often about my lack of skill or the toll the years and babies have taken on my body, I just don't care to expose myself to him in any way - physically, emotionally, you name it. How thick they must be that they can't figure it out. He always says if I just gave him what he wanted sexually that he would treat me better but his lack of respect, appreciation etc. comes from years of resentment of not getting what he needs/wants in bed. I have always told him he is putting the cart before the horse - when you have a relationship that embodies respect and appreciation and love, then there is that freedom and trust to open up more sexually. He disagrees - of course....
Rose
Hi Dolly - Hang in there - I would feel so hurt and betrayed after all that you have been through with him. Regardless of whatever is going on between him and that other woman it does not take away the fact that you and he loved each other, had children together. He sounds like he is in love with blinders on. How romantic to think that you could still pick up where you left off 29yrs ago. Highly unlikely though isn't it.... Iam so glad that you do have hobbies and your home and grandchildren - those are all great distractions and I think that is what we need right now....
(((((((Hugs to you Dolly))))))) I am on the surviving divorce board too.
Rose
Please don't believe that your physical appearance or "lack of skill" is the cause of him not being satisfied sexually. Him undermining you sexually is abuse, that's all. You could have a porn star body and he'd still find something to complain about. He's not resentful of what he hasn't gotten in bed, he feels entitled to it. Just like my H. I had to stop sleeping in our room cause he would start while I was sleeping, a few times he would come into the living room (recently) and the last time it was after we even had a discussion about not having sex, end of story. He has no respect for me sexually or in any other way. I've started reading the book why does he do that - Lundy Bancroft. I was up until 1am and read more than half of it. My gut feelings confirmed, I was in awe! Have you read this?
Carrie
No I haven't read that book but it sounds really interesting. There is a part of me that doesn't want to have that book in the house when he is still here. As much as I have now recognized that what he has been doing over the years is abuse, and my counsellor told me it was abuse, it wasn't until I came to the board and starting reading the posts and the website that it really really hit home for me. I know he doesn't classify what he has done as abuse - he hasn't hit me. Right now we have agreed that we are splitting up in the New Year - we don't have a specific date but it is happening. I just wanted to get past the holidays. Our 4 yr old turns five in the middle of January so I was hoping to also get past her B-day before we tell the kids just so they do not associate any special occasions with the split.
Having the book here might actually inflame him or his behaviour so I am just trying to be the peace-keeper right now. Iam also feeling awful for not providing my innocent daughters with the family they are entitled too. I feel very very guilty, even more so as the New Year approaches and I know that we are just days away from telling them. I know this is the best thing for all of us.... but I just feel very very badly for them.
Rose
(PS - the first I will do when we officially split will be to pick up that book - does it address sex? H has made me feel totally inadequate for years.)
It addresses sexual abuse, and there are many ways. It addresses everything! Can you keep a copy somewhere other than home or visit the library? I really hate having things hidden, I'm an open book. But I've had to accept that if I have to hide things to take care of myself, I have to. He found my DV papers so I know what you mean about not wanting it at home. It really helps your POV change. The author is a counselor that has counselled controlling, angry, abusive men. He's seen it all.
I have a 4 and 5 yr old and also waited until after holidays. Just remember that you haven't failed in providing them a family, you're there doing what you're supposed to be doing. He's chosen to treat you this way. I'm worried for my kids too, but you're right, this is best for everyone.
Hang in there,
Carrie
Hi Rose,
You're giving your daughters a precious gift....a safe and caring household. A strong mother who is protecting herself and her children. A woman who sees reality and deals with it! Life is sad sometimes but believe me you're teaching them such incredible lessons....also they will know how to spot abuse and get out . Good for you. Take good care.
Hugs,
Beth