it's christmas and it's been 1 week
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it's christmas and it's been 1 week
| Mon, 12-25-2006 - 10:21am |
It's been 1 week since I broke up but today I don't feel broken up as much as I feel alone. Lots of dreams about confusion where the relationship is.....together or not...I feel lonely..my son is at dad's house...I'm going to go to a friend's home but the holiday brings up some really good past memories....and it leaves a bit of a hole inside.
Maybe I'll buy myself some gifts! It sounds selfish, but I want something too
Happy, happy holiday!!!! My love to you all...for being on this site, for listening and sharing...so that we all get stronger and know we deserve goodnerss and respect.
Beth

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Selfish? Buy myself some gifts? Huh?
"Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me" sang Linda Ronstadt. What a bore that song was, don't you think? I always sang it in a totally nasel voice, with the most nasty twang I could squeek out. Try it. It's very liberating because you can't help but be disgusted as you laugh.
We work. Why?
To make money. Why?
To pay bills, which = spending money on ourselves.
So this is selfish WHY?
That you want something fun, pretty, delicious, melodius, interesting and/or different?
Even if it's volunteering at a shelter where the babies need some love on a day when the hard-working, emotionally depleted staff could use a day to just blankly sleep. Honey, do Something that lets you give what you make/converve/generate for yourself. Monitarily, emotionally, physically or spiritually. You're abundant and overflowing.
If you were saying "buy something to dull the pain?" or "because it's better than being alone" I'd scream, "SUBSTITUTION!!!"
However. Just to treat yourself on a Day of Treats?
Get a life, girlie. Or honor the fabulous life you're NOT choosing to enjoy. Grief is real, but it also becomes a habit. Ok, so 1 week might be too soon to lecture, I know. I'm just trying to break you into it, 'cause I never, EVER let up.
Go spend some of those bucks you work so hard to make. Spoil YOU.
Spoil anyone you choose to invite, anyone you choose to honor with YOUR company. Anyone you just love to death.
Enjoy it. For just one day, let go of the (self-imposed) guilt. Please?
This doesn't have to be a day of What Was, but What is to Come.
Fun, self-sufficiency, enjoyment of the irony of life, the humor that God creates (such as all those red-butted monkies), and the love of those who are true friends and loving family. It's all around us. We just have to LET ourselves accept the fact that we're obviously worth it or it wouldn't be offered every darned time we turn around. YOU give it all the time. So ... Take it when offered. It's yours.
Have I made my stinkin' point. :)
Good 'cause I need some coffee.
Merry Christmas and lots and lots of love,
C.
Hi C.,
I have used retail therapy as a way to cope...so sometimes it is a substitution.....I want to feel better...worthy...deserving.....so I need to be careful. I am very giving and generous, and it brings me joy. And there's a fine line I have when buying for me ...same thing with gifties for me....
I saw a ring and it has little rubies and it was appealing to think of owning it. I'm not making any quick decisions....I'll sleep on it....It's funny, it's not that the ring is so gorgeous...it's what it means to me. Jewelry is very personal and it's something I love...and it always means a lot to me...even if it's a reminder of a sunny day crafts fair by the river...
I love that it's the day of "what's to come.." and honestly I've reached out-went to someone's house for a lovely meal and company...walked my beasties....and will get cozy and figure out what feels right for the next thing. And hey...I miss the goodness that was there.
Hope you're having a lovely and merry day, xo
Beth
You are a good person and deserve to be happy. The holidays are a tough time for alot of people. Hang in there! I am kind of going through the emotional rollercoaster also. But i just try and remind myself what i've been through in the past. It may at times seem like it's going good and then it gets crappy again. I just can't cry anymore and i'm sure you feel the same way.
Stay strong and go buy yourself that ruby ring because you've earned it!
Dakota
Dakota
Hey Dakota,
Thanks....your post made me smile...I do deserve it...besides my fingers feeling naked. The whole thing about rubies is that quote " a good woman is worth her weight in rubies" or something like that It reminds me that I am a good person, I am worthy of good things..respect, care, validation, honesty, love...[and the occasional ring :)....
I left you a response to your post-hope you saw it. Please be careful. I was very frightened of my last ex :( and got a protection order. Keep up communication with that shelter and with your family/friends....
Hugs to you Dakota...
Beth
I got your message from my post. It will be hard but i am determined to go through with the divorce. So far my family and friends have been very supportive. I really appreciate the support you and the others from the board have given me. I feel better knowing that i am not alone in this huge mess. Right now i feel overwhelmed with everything i need to get done in reference to me leaving. I wish i could just tell my husband it's over and that i want a divorce. It may sound naive but i am praying that we can act like adults about the situation. I don't want to fight with him but i don't think he will take the news about the divorce very well.
He cornered me in the basement yesterday and wanted to know why i've been indifferent to him. I blurted out that i'm tired of his behavior-the way he treats me, his family, and friends. I told him i can't handle his drinking and he needs to get help. He said that he doesn't have a problem and i told that's what everyone says that has one. I told him he treats me like he hates when he's drunk. I said that i grew with an abusive step-dad i don't want to live like this anymore. And if he didn't get help it's over because i can't deal with him. He told his new year resolution is to change and that he just NOW realized he loved me and the kids. I started crying and walked away. Talk about a slap in the face!I should have never said anything. I can't believe he didn't go psycho on me. I feel like something is up with him but i don't know what. I think he's trying to play mind games with me because he senses something's up.
Pray for me.
Dakota
Dakota
Hi Dakota,
You have lots of my prayers and I'm sending some positive energy your way....Can you move in with your family? My sense is that you may hope he handles it like an adult but it sounds like he's going to handle it like an adult abuser .....can you just leave and physically be in a safe place i.e. with family/friends? This guy scares me and I'm not even there! Cornering you in the basement? What's keeping you from leaving when he's at work? I know from another post you were afraid of losing kids...this guy will not get your kids....that's another tactic to keep us fearful from moving ahead. Isn't this the guy who choked you and you have witnesses?
He's going to try different tactics to keep you there.....nasty, sweet, pleading....it's manipulation. He just realized he loved you and kids? You deserve more than his crumbs...and his alcoholic rages...have you tried Al-Anon? I know you're getting out but it's a source of support and very valuable.
Consider getting out sooner than later....I'm sorry-not trying to pressure you but I feel frightened for you....
Hugs and prayers to you and kids,
Beth
Please look out for yourself, keep posting....
p.s. read your posts on the other discussion.....if it's safe stay with your mom-she'd rather have you there than injured I'd bet. Or if the a-hole step father is still doing his thing stay with friends.....
Nursing degree-you'll get it. Lots of hospitals offer free or reduced tuition in return for time commitment after graduation .....
Talk to your school about emergency assistance.....and if you skip a quarter/semester to get settled..school won't disappear. There are also grants/scholarships...there is a big shortage of nurses so there are resources out there....but do first things first....whatever that is for you.
Remember that you're not alone-there is help for you and kids and you will heal. Also but some alcoholics have to bottom out to get help i.e. lose family/jobs to "get" what harm they're causing. Again-it's not your responsibility but that thought helped me when I wavered.....that in a way it's helping the abuser to have consequences. I hope I'm making sense.
Beth
Yes, my husband is the one who choked me before. He does still have drunken rages and the one the weekend before x-mas woke me up. I don't ever want to have to see something awful like that again. I still feel terrible about my friends eye.
I want to leave. I am in the process of trying to find all those documents the domestice violence said to make copies of. Tommorw i am going to a friends to fill out the legal documents for legal Aid. I hope i can talk to a lawyer soon. Hopefully, i can start looking at apartments or calling about them. I just worry that if i move he'll take the kids from me if i don't have that interim order or whatever the heck it's called. I'm just so stressed out.
How are things going for you? I bet that ruby ring looks awesome! LOL! Thanks for the advice about nursing. I thought it would be a good career choice.
Dakota
Dakota
Hi Dakota...Can't you leave with the kids if you're afraid of him and his violence? Does the shelter tell you you need an interim order? I don't know about these things but it seems crazy that you can't leave because you feel you're in danger..or is it because the physical stuff happened a while ago???
I understand your fear about him getting kids. My last ex was so horrible-tried to get my kids taken away-called my brother and told him I was an unfit mother, told a "friend" to call the rabbi at my temple to say I was molesting my sons. It was awful. Thank God that noone took it seriously, but I was scared and didn't know how far she'd go to hurt me/kids....I had to get a restraining order.
I'm so glad you're taking action!!!! I'm glad you have supportive friends. With my last ex most of my friends dropped off because they were scared......You deserve all the help you can get...emotional, financial..whatever.
Things are moving along for you-I can't wait to read that you're out of there and into a safe apt.!!! How old are your kids? You will be so much happier down the road....keep getting support.
The ring :) I went and got my finger sized today-still not 100% about it but close to it......
Prayers and hugs to you and kids and the wonderful friend who is sticking by you!!!!
Keep posting, take good care, be safe,
Beth
The shelter was supportive about me leaving. But since that violent incident was awhile ago i can't get a protective order. From what i understand it has to be recent and verbal abuse doesn't count. The interim order would give me custody of the kids until the divorce is finalized. Because until i have that he still has parental rights and could possibly take the kids. The lady at the shelter told me i need to work with the kids and teach them my number in case he takes them from me. It really scared me when she said that but she's probably been through this quite a few times. My daughters are 3 and 6. Pretty young and i'm not sure how to explain all of this to them. My husband is good to them. But my oldest daughter should not know when daddy's hung-over or be able to ask if he drank a bud. She's been able to read since she was 3 and could read the beer bottles. Isn't that sad? I think that's just as damaging as the verbal stuff done to me. The shelter said they have counseling available for children so i think i will start taking her.(My 3yr old is too young.)
I can't believe your husband did that to you. That's terrible and your friends not sticking by is even worse. I hope my friends and family will continue to be there for me because i think my situation will get nasty once i leave. My husband is making this difficult for me by being on his best behavior. I know it's only a matter of time before he gets drunk again though. I've heard this song before and it doesn't last. I think i should go to Al-non was it? Do they have stuff for children as well?
The other thing that worries me is my mother-in law. She is going to be royally pissed when she finds out and i'm sure she will hire the best lawyer for her son. In her eyes he can do no wrong and this will all end up being my fault. That's why i hope i can talk to a lawyer soon.
Take care and hugs to you,
Dakota
P.S.- Did you get your kids? Are you divorced or just seperated?
Dakota
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