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| Wed, 12-27-2006 - 3:00pm |
This guy is driving me nuts! Last night he wants to tell me something, we go in the bedroom, we sit down. Then he tells me I've really got to buckle down, I haven't been taking good care of the house and all. I just looked at him and said, Okay. I kept my mouth sut about all that was going through my head. If I need help to just ask. I didn't even say anything and he goes on about how he can't say anything w/o me taking it wrong, he's holding his head in his hand and now he's this wounded man! I picked up the book about divorce and the Lundy Bancroft one last night, and he wants to know what I'm reading, I asked why. In the most sincere voice I've ever heard he responds, Just interested. He asked a couple more times and finally I pulled a switch and showed him the one about kids and divorce, he asked where the other one I was reading is, "None of your business, he said "alright just wondering" What's your take on this? I've hidden the book thinking the last thing I want to do is arm him w/ info. He could've glanced at i if he found it in the closet earlier yesterday.
Sometimes I think I should just leave. I've come to the conclusion that I really need more allies through this divorce and will have to get into DV center very soon. I have papers to fill out for court, lawyers, have to find $2000. I can't get this done w/ the kids home. Friday he's home, I'll do it then, that way I'll get away from him too.
Thanks for listening! What do you think of our conversation, I'm started to have little doubt, am I over reacting toit?
Carrie

Hi Carrie,
Keep moving forward-he's switching gears...the anger didn't work, the poor me didn't work, so now it's the "I care" in a sincere voice. I'd bet my arm that if you "went back" it wouldn't be too long before all the crap...plus it's still crap...doesn't he hide papers and financial stuff from you? Has he done anything to really make a difference?
What if I posted this? What would you tell me? It's normal to get drawn back-we so much want to believe in them....and to believe the tone of voice, the words....it's like Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football...a tease. He knows you're stronger and is trying to control...
Hang tight-keep reading the Bancroft book, keep posting. You're doing fine.
Hugs,
Beth
Thanks Beth, it's unusual to see him use nice as a tactic! But I know you're right. It's been hard and painful sticking to the truth of this being abuse, cause he's stopped a lot of the old ways and found new ones since I went to the hospital.
the thing about him saying that about the house keeping, on Christmas Eve which HE chose not to attend, he mopped all the floors and cleaned the sinks, his comment came after that. He knows I have 6 kids home, with quite a few new toys and gifts and wrappings and what I hate the most... those darn plastic and wire twist ties!
Oh and I forgot! The dishwasher broke, and he said to have fun hand washing dishes he wasn't getting a new one. I told him he could help. He refused walked away complaining he'll eat on paper plates, left, comes home all happy! Looking at the dishwasher, then it wasn't as bad as he thought. Calls me into the other room after a bit and asks me who loves me more than him? He ordered the part express so I wouldn't have to wait until Jan 4th to use it! "Who treats me better than you, who loves you more (here his voice got angry) than me Carrie? What the freak?
Anyway, thanks again, will keep reading the book, can renew it too. Just want to keep it from him.
How's things your way Beth? Fill me in!
Carrie
Hey Carrie,
You're doing well! Think about it...at first he's "nice" but when you don't respond , he's "angry".. That's not love. it's manipulation...he's angry that he's not in control. And the "have fun" washing the dishes? Carrie....if I was a guest in someone's house I'd never say "have fun", I'd help! Keep thinking what you would say to me or someone else on this post...it's a lot easier to be clear about someone else's situation.
And the housekeeping stuff? He's trying to divert attention from the real issues...and it will exhaust you. I see in retrospect how every issue I brought up got so distorted and turned around either I couldn't think anymore or I was so exhausted I stopped arguing. Save your energy...if you have Al-Anon meetings in your area go to some....it helps ground you and to detach from the insanity of others
I'm hanging in there-thrilled my son is home til Friday. I realize that when he leaves I'll be alone!!!! The first time in 20 + years-and I'm nervous about feeling lonely/vulnerable. My ex hasn't contacted me-I still need to drop off stuff .. I feel this irrational hurt that I wasn't "worth it" to her to try to get help so we could be together. It's all my fault... I think my ex is seething that I caught on and left.....Oddly enough I still question whether I did the right thing....that whole self-doubt pill that I've swallowed for 6+ years.
Today had a blowup with my son about his driving -I kept telling him to slow down-he really yelled at me and I felt triggered.....I got out of the car. But then he called on the cell and it was o.k.- we're still working on having healthy communication-the difference with him is that I feel the care-he apologizes and it "feels" right. Plus he's having lots of feelings about this breakup and I know he's worrying about me-offered to come home to clean...doing dishes..etc. My therapist says it's hard for my kids to see me hurting and feel powerless. So that's the scoop with me....one day at a time...
Beth
Beth, I know you're right and it was making sense as I wrote it down. I'm sitting here now trying to remember the last time he was nice, couple of years I think, sad. I know hat's why it's throwing me for a loop. He almost had me with the not going to Christmas Eve, but only after he "assumed" we'd have a Christmas him and I, I felt pity for someone having noone on Christmas, I struggled w/ guilt for a few days and am just feeling better about that now cause I've had you all to remind me, and the book helped me see how he morphs into a different person when one thing isn't working. That was a run on sentence! I know how I would respond to a post like that, you're right. Thankyou!
I understand the feeling of not being "worth it". The only way I can try to put that into perspective is... My last abuser goes to counseling w/ his now wife. How did that go for you and partner? I see it, he is the same. I was just there to pick the kids up from Christmas w/ them. He walks around this house of theirs, showing me how he did this, did that, even made a comment "that's why I bought this house", here's my garden, I put in this new bathroom. Imagine his wife who makes more money than him listening to this! Me, me, me! It's completely about them! You're worth it, she's not. Alright, that didn't really put anything into perspective and I got off track, sorry. But he's still after the 10 years we've been apart, all about himself, and so is your ex. Not worth it, hardly! She is probably trying to control you still as she left you w/ you having broken her heart (not). Current abuser would spend weeks not speaking to me, that was while we lived together!
Hey, where are you in the book? About your son, I'm teaching one to drive. Yuck! She's pretty afraid of, and w/ the recent loss of a classmate in a car accident, she hasn't even asked. Will wait for nicer weather I suppose. I'm glad you worked things out. Your description reminds me of my oldest son. He's a littl e bit of testing me, but when he senses I'm upset, whether I'm outwardly so or not. He offers to help, and you're right, it's sincere. Also very sensitive?
I can't remember where your post about sending the dradles was, will keep looking as I have extra time, cause I meant to respond but can't remember where it was posted. We were all over the discussions than or I was catching up. I'll be on tomorrow, than he's home until Tuesday so hard to tell!
Take care of you!
Carrie
Hi Carrie,
Counseling doesn't do crap-they don't change-just learn psychobabble to assault partner in more sophisticated manner.
My son is very sensitive....even as a young child/infant...I love him and just hope that by example I'm teaching him some good stuff. I know he's felt my tension/depression and it affects him too. Plus his own feelings of loss/confusion/anger etc....
Pretty much finished the book but I have a million post-its in there, for the stuff that rang so true. I ordered the book-I feel like it's keeping me sane. I keep parts and go "oh yeah! that's why i felt so crazy.."
About the dreidles- don't remember the post either but offered to mail you some if you'd like -you can get them online too...I always buy lots and give them out to people at work or where ever. Lots of antisemitism out there. It's my way of doing "something" ...and introducing kids to a fun tradition so mhat they'll feel comfortable about the different types of people in the world.
Take good care, keep hanging in there-you're doing great...
Beth
I don't think you are over reacting at all! I think that he is playing the sincere voice card to see how you react. He hopes that you will fall for it and fall back in his trap! That is all it is about. You are doing great, and holding your ground. I think you did good by not saying anything when he complained about you slacking and the house wasn't clean enough. It just isn't worth it sometimes, because they always have to be right.
Lauren