my first bruise...do I report it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
my first bruise...do I report it?
17
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 2:56am

I have been married 7 years and endured emotional/verbal abuse but last night I got my first bruise. I need help now before the bruise disappears. I would like to have a legal account of this but if I report this to the police how private is the report? I've heard about web listings of people's mere traffic warnings where no ticket was even issued. I thought I could just have him hand write a note attached to some pictures of my bruise to record this incidient or just report this to my doctor but I think they have mandating reporting laws and so does our couples counselor but we have to talk about this! Am I stupid for wanting to keep this a secret and hoping he can change? I keep waiting to have kids with him until we fix his/our problems. We just started couples counseling 6 months ago after a huge emotional abuse in front of his family. (I was mortified). This physical abuse (the bruise) just happened on vacation last night so we cut our vacation short and drove 8 hours home together and now I'm also worried that I can't report this in another jurisdiction. :( He is also at his worst when he drinks so he wants to quite drinking but I keep telling him the problem is much deeper than that so he has to do something more to change the problem. I contacted an abuse center but I worry because he doesn't fit the profile of an avid abuser. I'm having a hard time feeling like I'm in an unrepairable relationship. I hope the crisis center can help us.

I need help now to know what I should do with the bruise and can someone hit you once and verbally abuse you and later be "fixed"?

J

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 11:43am

Honey, please do see your doctor.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 1:21pm

I'm really sorry for all the years you've been going through this. Your couples conselor knows about this, the bruise? Isn't she mandated to report it? I really think you should set up an appt with DV counselor. They're so understanding and can help you deal with all of this, and of course keep posting.

Does he throw things and break things too? I was worried about going to my 1st DV appt too, he's highly educated, has a good job and everyone thinks he's such a great guy for putting a roof over mine and my kids heads. They just don't know what happens under the roof he provides. The abuse center counselors DO! They will believe you and understand how badly this hurts and how confusing it all is.

Take care and I hope you'll post again soon.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 5:59pm

I didn't go to my doctor because I'm worried that she legally has to report the incident. I did take pictures myself but the bruise doesn't seem to show up that well on film...that makes me more upset but at least it's something.

The good news is my husband has an appointment tomorrow for a DV initial consultation and then will have weekly sessions. He also just started on-line research about his problem. To me this is huuuuuuuuuge because I have asked him for years to research this kind of thing and now he is actually doing it. He is also acting different and seems to be more informed about his problem.

I'm saddened by the one percent statistic but I am glad to hear it because that is good for me to remember and be prepared for anything. I won't leave the marriage until everything has been tried but this sounds like his last option...if the batterers' intervention doesn't work we'll be out of options. He is also giving up alcohol so that will help the situation, too.

The other problem is I also know victims shouldn't take blame but sometimes I don't know what else to do when he gets so mad so I do verbally fight with him and now it seems I emotionally abuse him back. He said the things he's read make it seem like I'm also controlling and emotionally abusive. Is this common for victims to lash out and take on the attacker's actions? Is it possible to both be abusive and victimized? What is the solution then?

Thanks so much. I need all the advise I can get. It's so confusing.

J

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 6:07pm

The bruise just happened yesterday so our counselor doesn't know yet...and probably won't unless I want it reported because he certainly is mandated to report these types of things.

My husband has thrown or broken things maybe three times and once pushed me but I stood in a doorway and wouldn't let him in the house. That is no excuse but I saw that one coming. This time I was shocked because I was laying in the bed face-down arguing with him and he first pinched me then punced me. He said I was unemotional so what that meant was since he couldn't hurt me with his words he used his hands.

I'm still worried about seeking my own DV counseling because we are mostly talking about verbal abuse and it seems I cause it with the way I speak to him, too. Is it possible that we can both be abused and victimized? He certainly feels that way. I think I act this way because that is how he treats me. I'm so confused but I feel hopeful because he is seeing a DV counselor tomorrow and will have weekly sessions. He is also reading about his problem and if he continues to that might help. He is also giving up alcohol which magnifies the problems we have.

Thanks for your post. I need to hear from other people who have been in my place and have been confused by it all, too.

J

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 1:34pm

Hon, not meaning to push, but a couple of things stuck out in your post.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 7:48pm

Hi J,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going thru.

You need to stop going to couples counselling NOW!! I am serious. Couples counselling is the worst idea, when it involves an abuser. It is making you go backwards instead of forwards. If you still want to go to counselling, go by yourself to someone who specializes in Domestic Abuse.

I totally know the feeling about holding out for him to get better and change. Did you know that only 1% of abusers change???? That is with long term intensive therapy, counselling, willing to change and WANTING to change. Most abusers don't think they even have a problem.

I think that you should take a picture of the bruise. Go to the doctor to report it, or go straight to the police. It will only get worse with time you know. That is what abuse does.... get worse and worse with time. You have a bruise now, what's next.. more bruises, broken bones... It will get worse until you leave. that is the only option.

You should also check out the board website. There is tons and tons of info on there, that will help you understand abuse more.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 10:27am

Well,
It takes two. Bottom line, it does.

Something that might not make people here happy, but that is a fact?
We all get something out of every relationship we're in. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

Your fighting back with your husband, first, is pretty normal when you're your own human being. Second, or third or whatever,you both get an adrenalin high out of it. Emotions are higher, things are brighter, you're both sharper. There's a good chance that you both go back and forth because of that, but it sounds like your husband does it for different reasons, which are insecurity and control.

Dearheart, if it walks like a duck, it's a duck. You're in a violent and abusive relationship, whether or not you want to call it so. Underneath it all I hear your heart pacifying, "It's not so bad as...." "It's only screaming, yelling, pinching, ...."

It's bad. As you've now lived, violence escalates.

Don't even waste your time giving him photo of your bruse. First, how stupidly pathetic. Are you now interesting in assuming a martyr role? Do you think THAT causes anyone to make changes? Please. Look at historical martyrs: they all end up dead, which is the road you're walking. Plus, he'll know you're documenting and start using things that won't make marks.

No, he says he won't. He'll never, ever do that again. No, he's "changing." PUKE PUKE PUKE. He's not. He knows he's in trouble and he knows he's crossed the line. But once crossed, it's so much easier to do it again. He is NOT SORRY. (I hear, "Oh, yes he is; you don't know him." Yes, I'll bet I do.) Think about it. Control is everything to this man. Right now the only thing he's sorry about is his visible proof of his own loss of control. It's NEVER, ever about you: it's about him and his ego, lack of self-esteem and control issues.

I'm very concerned about this counselor. I, too, STRONGLY recommend you stop or get an immediate referral to a DV counselor. For God's sake, if s/he hasn't recognized what's going on by now? You're in the wrong place.

Another concern I have is your husband's efforts at self-education and whether or not he'll actually GO to a DV counselor. And, it's not a group effort. You DO NOT GO. PERIOD. A good DV counselor wouldn't ask a partner to come until well into knowing the patient. And believe me, there are no blinders on a DV counselor. The abuser cannot snow someone with experience.

I foresee and predict your husband will be angry at you if you quit the marriage counselor, telling you you're not trying. I predict IF he goes to a DV counselor, it won't last long because he won't like the fact he's NOT smarter than the DV counselor. He can't snow her. I predict the fact that he'll start using all the counseling lingo and buzz words against you. And now, if you ever got your butt in gear and did report him beating you? (Yes, hitting = abuse, hitting legally = battering in EVERY sense of the legal term.) He'll have all the sympathy of the courts because he'll whine that he's in counseling and you're not supportive.

Stop blaming yourself, but get YOURSELF into DV counseling AND Al-Anon. Learn how NOT to be drawn into his alcoholic vortex of anger and (lack of) control. J, what the heck have you got to lose? Other than your life, that is. Figure out what it is that YOU get out of this relationship, other than the hope that he'll become a white knight again, like he might be seeming now.

You haven't mentioned whether or not you have kids suffering through this damage?

C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 11:42am

C-

Thank you very much for your thoughtful post. You made some very good points.

There are no kids involved here - we've waited because of our careers and because I'm waiting for him to become the man I want to have kids with. (very stupid but at least I didn't bother with having a baby with him yet)

My husband just went to his initial consultation with the DV counselor. He said he discussed everything with the counselor and even asked if I should go to the police because he was ready to go with me but I chickened out. The counselor told him that it would be on his record and he could lose his job and then we could lose our house so if we want to work things out we're better off not reporting it. I didn't want the pictures of the bruise for anything other than alternative documentation since I am torn about reporting this to the authorities legally at this time. I feel the pictures could be used in court (not as convincingly as a legal DV charge but at least it's something).

It does seem like my husband is using the lingo with me and saying everything he knows I want to hear but I worry what if he actually means it and isn't just saying all that? He knew I wasn't just going to forgive him and so he gave me my space but I notice that's what he did the last time I almost left him "for real" due to a verbal outburst.

His DV counselor did say that I should seek my own DV problems (not as a victim but as a dual abuser). He said that our marriage is a like a car with four flat tires and having my husband fix himself and me staying the same is like fixing two of the four flat tires. Well I say I only treat him like $#@! when he treats me like $#@! and the nicer he is to me the nicer I'll be in return. I was nice to him for years thinking he'd recipricate and he never did. If he changes I can go back to the sweet girl I used to be with him and how I am with every other person in my life...he's the only one I verbally hurt...isn't that because he's the only one who does that to me? I hold back so as not to hurt him sometimes but then sometimes I get to mad and think he deserves it right back. I can't think of a time I just started in on him for no reason. I criticize him when he has either caused a problem that I told him would happen and he makes his bad decision anyway or when he attacks me and I'm in no mood to take it. Am I making excuses or am I an abuser? Hmmmmm. I think it's him since I see him treat other people badly and I never do.

Lastly I'd like to thank everyone on this message board for sharing your experiences, thoughts, advise, and opinions. It helps to have somewhere to go because I'll never admit to family and friends that my marriage has problems until it's already over.

J

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 1:04pm

Frankly, I think it's a HUGE blessing not having kids. If I had some, I couldn't have gotten out and stayed out. PLUS, I'd be tied to that loser for the rest of my life.

Anyway.

I highly doubt some of the things your husband is relaying from his DV counselor. As far as reporting it? He might have said that, but he would never, EVER have said, "You're better off not reporting it..." Notice how your abuser chose to link it with what posessions you'd lose? It's against the law to NOT report abuse in many states. It takes one party saying it, though.

However, it's clear in the situation you described, that you feel you also have flat tires. I think everyone does, myself. I agree that your DH can't work on himself and you go on expecting him to change to please you. What if he continues his counseling and DOES decide he's tired of being verbally abused? and leaves? Would he be wrong? Abuse can be clear, but some is totally in the eye of the victim. Doesn't make it any less real...

As far as meaning what he said? I stand by my experienced analysis of why he's giving you what you want to hear ... again. I think you'll understand why it's called a 'honeymoon' stage. These guys will do and say anything in the world to get you back into their clutches. Later? You'll pay dearly for making them go through hell (i.e. be subordinate and humbling/humiliating themselves) to get you back and their control reestablished. He isn't sorry he hit you. He is sorry he's going to have to pay to shut you up.

Now, as far as the you be nice to me and I'll be nice to you? GROW UP, GIRLIE. Get your round butt into Al-Anon. You need better coping skills. I can tell you're not even terribly comfortable writing the mean back-and-forth stuff. For God's sake, only 3 year olds care who started it. Abusers are usually very juvenile in their blaming and lack of responsibility, so look at that in this situation. It is just dumb, a vicious circle, and a huge waste of energy. Or, an escalation of adrenalin to make life more exciting? Only you can really answer that question. Just for today - and maybe tomorrow, since it's a holiday? Try not responding. Even better, try AGREEING with everything he says. You can't fight with someone who is telling you you're right. Takes all the wind out of their sails.

My real, end of all this back and forth stuff here? Get out. Abusers don't change and he's not going to be part of the 1%. If you're feeling you're also abusive? That doesn't soften or make less of the fact he socked you a big one. (Yes, those photos are admissable. Put them somewhere VERY safe.) If you think you're abusive, yet another reason to find your own counselor. No one needs to lie with DV statistics; they're too on the money each and every time. If he, or you? for some reasons becomes one of this precentage (and hell freezes over, and I start smoking crack at 48?) You can choose to go back.

I think it's positive that you're examining yourself and your relationship by writing it down. Message boards count as journaling!

Experiment with finding peace inside today and tomorrow. Noone can take that way. We can only GIVE it away.

C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 2:08pm

I thought you would like the material things I was told I could stand to lose by reporting this.

I don't think that if my husband is successful in changing that he will find himself verbally abused by me. I believe I treat him badly because he treats me badly. If he does think I'm abusing him at least our lines of communication are open and he knows what to say and where to suggest I go for counseling if I need it.

I liked your comment about journaling, too because I asked him if we could journal to help us both with our changes. We are now journaling nightly (two nights in a row so far) and we have a concrete system of tallying whenever one of us does something nice for the other. This gets us to be concious of what we're both doing or not doing so we're acknowledging that we're each doing things for each other which makes you appreciate it more. I couldn't stand even one day of him being nice to me while I was pouting...I felt guilty and awkward even though it would seem he "owes" me I don't like that. We both need to heal or this will never work.

I do firmly believe that I WILL leave if anything else happens. I've accepted the financial burden and social embarrassment I'll feel as well as the starting all over factor. All I've ever wanted was for him to give an honest, full effort at trying to make things better. I suggested the marriage counseling and now the DV counseling after the last two major incidents so now that he has had every reasonable chance if the therapy doesn't work then I'll know for sure that even if I ignore the statistics his problems are not fixable.

J

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