verbal not so bad?
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| Fri, 12-29-2006 - 4:56pm |
Hi everyone, just wondering if anyone out there has either left,or is planning on leaving just because of verbal/emotional abuse?
It's been going on for at least 13yrs. I think I was too young to realize what I was getting into(at age 15). Now, we have 4 kids and I want out. I told him i don't feel the same about him anymore. He can't understand how I could be telling him this. Says I'm going to break up this beautiful family. He says he will do ANYTHING to keep me..go to counseling,church,etc.(2months ago he refused counseling and made me stop going).
He says he's never done anything too dramatic to me. He doesn't beat me. He says this verbal abuse thing is ridiculous--says 'verbal abuse? what's that?' making it seem like it's not so bad.
He has been on his best behavior for at least 3 months(except 1 or 2 slip-ups. Overall, I do notice a change in the way he treats me. I don't know if this change will stay, or if he just wants me to think he's changing.
What if he changes completly, and I still don't get my feelings for him back?

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I'm leaving because of the emotional abuse. It takes a terrible toll on my self-esteem. I have problems with depression/anxiety. The more I tried to please the worse it seemed to get. My confidence is/was shot.....
Reads the book by Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" It's wonderful to help you understand and puts into words the feelings/confusion and pain. Your abuser will never admit to it....NEVER. He will minimize, deny, distort his words, their meaning and how it harms you.
Come to this board and read other posts for help. You and kids deserve care...
Beth
Welcome to the board Merimac :o)
"just wondering if anyone out there has either left,or is planning on leaving just because of verbal/emotional abuse?"
** Yup, I have and it was the best decision of my life. My abuser was verbally/emotionally abusive. I was only with him for about a year and a half, but if I stayed any longer, I know that he would have got physical with me. He broke numerous things and pretty soon, he probably would start throwing things at me and hitting me.
He is only saying things that he will do to make you stay. It is all empty promises. Here is a list for you to check out: Please read it over and over again.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&msg=11856.1&ctx=4096
Here is an article about children and Domestic Violence:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&msg=12038.1&ctx=4096
I don't think he has changed one bit! I think that he is trying to change and be on his best behaviour to try and convince you he has changed. It is impossible for him to have changed that quickly.
What if he changes completly, and I still don't get my feelings for him back?
*** If he will change completley, it will be years and years before he does. He will need to go to intense therapy and counselling, willing to change and finally - wanting to change. Most abusers don't even think they have a problem, so they rarely go thru with it.
HUGS to you :o) Post as much as you need to okay.. we are all here for you
Lauren
I did it today. One step - told him to leave. I could only tell him it was a seperation, or he would not have gone. He has emotionally abused me for 13 years. I have been very good at "laying the law down" but also very good at "looking away." He left.
I don't know what the catalyst was to get me to start this, but I have. I don't know how to move forward, but am looking forward to the chance. I want to be me...not this shadow of who he wants me to be. Nothing I do is good enough, I have been working on picking up his pieces for so long, when he never attempted to pick up mine. It's like putting together a Jinga Puzzle from the top.
Even with the "smoothness of it" he attempted manipulation. I can't believe it. I say there must be a miracle for me to bring him back into my life, and I know there will not be one.
I have no love, only pity...and you can not love someone you pity. One step - done today. I will get to the next ones - as long as I don't lose myself again along the way.
Thanks for listening. My head hurts, I am tired, I am gone. I am proud of myself, but exhausted.
I will get the book tomorrow. Through all of this, I couldn't explain in words quite the way the book does, what has been happening in this marriage. I am worth being treated with love. It is a demand. It is not a try. You either you do or you don't - no in between.
Kim
On good days and bad, the best advice I've gotten here, is to take it one day at a time. I never knew what to do next, just keep going. After you get a break from all the put downs and criticism, you start to feel a little better, a little stonger. You can do this! You do desrve love, and to be treated well, you're right! The book is great, it really helped put H's behaviour into perspective and I found my self falling for his manipulation less and less.
Keep us posted and best of luck!
Carrie
I just sent my bf away last week for 2 yrs of emotional abuse. I got so depressed and couldnt really put a finger on why at first, but then I figured it out as he got worse and worse. December was horrible. I dont think I did a single thing he approved of in December. He broke my bedroom door because I locked it to change my clothes one day. I told him that was real smart. I didnt go to his company christmas party because he called me a very nasty word the night before. And on Jan 4th when I didnt tell him I was taking my mom out for her birthday "the right way" he blew up on me, shoved me and called me an idiot. That was it for me. Two years of being told how stupid I am, how stupid the music I listen to is, the things I care about doing are stupid and anyone could do them, I'm a bad mother, not a real woman, and certainly not wife material. I bent over backwards to throw myself out the window and be what this guy wanted and it was never good enough. His last night here he told me I didnt know what to do with a man, and I told him most men would be very happy to have someone like me.
He acts like he doesnt understand at all why all those "jokes" or things said in anger hurt me, thinks I am completely over-reacting, and today even emailing me things about women and emotional problems. (yeah, I do have an emotional problem from his abuse!) He thinks because he told me I was beautiful often, it was an eraser for everything else he said and did to me. I asked him if he would want a man to treat his daughters that way when they grew up and he said definitely. He is so proud of himself. I have two sons and I know I dont want any girls in their life to feel this pain.
I dont know why they dont get what it does to a person. Its very sad. I loved him and believed in him so much, it hurts to know its such a hopeless situation. Now Im just numb and dont care and he doesnt get how I can be that way when he "loves me so much".
Love shouldnt be that hard and hurt that much.
Hugs to you and congratulations on being strong.
Thanks. He is already in on the "guilty pitty party." He asked me to go to couple counseling - I said no. He wanted to go to church with me on Sunday - I said no.
I found my journal from 2000 - it said the same thing I am saying today ... and even better - I said I had been putting up with it for 8 years. And now in 2007, when did I make it OK for him to call me names or come at me like he was going to hit me?
Nothing was ever good enough - I put all the holidays together, not big enough; took care of all of the bills, not well enough..Not a good mother..wife..daughter. He is really good about using me weaknesses against me.
He has called me to tell me he loves me (which I can't reciprocate) and then later calls to be nasty. Already - he is doing this.
He has tried using my own words on me - very clever.
I just have to remember how it has been in the past.
Unless there is a miracle, I do not see him changing.
Edited 1/20/2007 12:00 am ET by gettinsilly
I was married to a verbally and emotionally abusive man for 17 years before I asked him to leave. The funny thing is at the time I told him I couldn't live like that anymore there hadn't been any problem for a good long time, no current problems or fights, I just woke up one day and knew I couldn't do it anymore. In retrospect, I probably chose a "good period" because I felt safer in facing him with it.
I didn't feel like you do, rather than exhausted, I felt uplifted, exilarated, I felt like a million pounds had been taken from my shoulders. It felt so good to know I was finally done with all that.
My ex stalled leaving, called often even crying and telling me he wanted to come back. Like you I felt sorry for him, and that was part of what had kept me from leaving long before, but I'd realized I couldn't fix his problems and he wasn't trying, so feeling sorry for him went to a level where I no longer actively tried to make it better, I just felt sorry that he'd chosen to live with his issues. I'd also lost respect for him long ago. I was tired of thinking about him, trying to fix him and walking on eggshells. I wanted life, I wanted peace.
I made a detailed list of things he'd done and said over the years so that anytime I questioned whether it was really *that* bad or felt pressure from him to let him come back I pulled out the list and read it. I figured it would bring it all back very, very clearly and made considering going back completely out of the question. As it turns out, I never needed the list, I was pretty clear on never going back to that hell, but I know others who have used the list and found it very effective. Wishful posted this on the New Beginnings board and I think it's pretty important for anyone leaving an abusive situation to read:
Abuser's responses to breakupVerbal abuse is hell, I know. I just want you to know that life is very, very sweet on the other side of abuse. It won't always be easy, the first year was a struggle for me, but I never regretted my decision, not even for a second. As bad as it ever got, it was always better than dealing with an abuser. Here I am now, ten years later. Remarried to a very wonderful, very healthy man. I have a wonderful relationship, a wonderful life. I can tell you that the life you envision really is out there, but you'll never see it if you're with an abuser.
I don't know if you're familiar with Mary Engelbreit's art, but during the time I was leaving, and for a year or so after, one of her pieces was my anthem. I looked on the internet for an example to show you, all I could find was the image on a t-shirt, better than nothing, I guess. Here it is, maybe it will be your anthem too:
Don’t Look Back
The crossroads says it all. You're doing the right thing, don't ever doubt that.Edited 1/23/2007 2:29 am ET by 2nd_life
~ cl-2nd_lifecl-2nd_
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