verbal not so bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
verbal not so bad?
11
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 4:56pm

Hi everyone, just wondering if anyone out there has either left,or is planning on leaving just because of verbal/emotional abuse?

It's been going on for at least 13yrs. I think I was too young to realize what I was getting into(at age 15). Now, we have 4 kids and I want out. I told him i don't feel the same about him anymore. He can't understand how I could be telling him this. Says I'm going to break up this beautiful family. He says he will do ANYTHING to keep me..go to counseling,church,etc.(2months ago he refused counseling and made me stop going).

He says he's never done anything too dramatic to me. He doesn't beat me. He says this verbal abuse thing is ridiculous--says 'verbal abuse? what's that?' making it seem like it's not so bad.

He has been on his best behavior for at least 3 months(except 1 or 2 slip-ups. Overall, I do notice a change in the way he treats me. I don't know if this change will stay, or if he just wants me to think he's changing.

What if he changes completly, and I still don't get my feelings for him back?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 9:19pm

I'm leaving because of the emotional abuse. It takes a terrible toll on my self-esteem. I have problems with depression/anxiety. The more I tried to please the worse it seemed to get. My confidence is/was shot.....

Reads the book by Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" It's wonderful to help you understand and puts into words the feelings/confusion and pain. Your abuser will never admit to it....NEVER. He will minimize, deny, distort his words, their meaning and how it harms you.

Come to this board and read other posts for help. You and kids deserve care...
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 8:10pm

Welcome to the board Merimac :o)

"just wondering if anyone out there has either left,or is planning on leaving just because of verbal/emotional abuse?"

** Yup, I have and it was the best decision of my life. My abuser was verbally/emotionally abusive. I was only with him for about a year and a half, but if I stayed any longer, I know that he would have got physical with me. He broke numerous things and pretty soon, he probably would start throwing things at me and hitting me.

He is only saying things that he will do to make you stay. It is all empty promises. Here is a list for you to check out: Please read it over and over again.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&msg=11856.1&ctx=4096

Here is an article about children and Domestic Violence:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&msg=12038.1&ctx=4096

I don't think he has changed one bit! I think that he is trying to change and be on his best behaviour to try and convince you he has changed. It is impossible for him to have changed that quickly.

What if he changes completly, and I still don't get my feelings for him back?
*** If he will change completley, it will be years and years before he does. He will need to go to intense therapy and counselling, willing to change and finally - wanting to change. Most abusers don't even think they have a problem, so they rarely go thru with it.

HUGS to you :o) Post as much as you need to okay.. we are all here for you
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 12:20am

I did it today. One step - told him to leave. I could only tell him it was a seperation, or he would not have gone. He has emotionally abused me for 13 years. I have been very good at "laying the law down" but also very good at "looking away." He left.

I don't know what the catalyst was to get me to start this, but I have. I don't know how to move forward, but am looking forward to the chance. I want to be me...not this shadow of who he wants me to be. Nothing I do is good enough, I have been working on picking up his pieces for so long, when he never attempted to pick up mine. It's like putting together a Jinga Puzzle from the top.

Even with the "smoothness of it" he attempted manipulation. I can't believe it. I say there must be a miracle for me to bring him back into my life, and I know there will not be one.

I have no love, only pity...and you can not love someone you pity. One step - done today. I will get to the next ones - as long as I don't lose myself again along the way.

Thanks for listening. My head hurts, I am tired, I am gone. I am proud of myself, but exhausted.

I will get the book tomorrow. Through all of this, I couldn't explain in words quite the way the book does, what has been happening in this marriage. I am worth being treated with love. It is a demand. It is not a try. You either you do or you don't - no in between.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 10:27am
Verbal is just as bad. Keep reading here you'll see. I am closer than ever to leaving thanks to I village. My Verbal abuse has turned into shoving, on both our parts a couple times now...well 4 probably in our 5 years together. Another good book, one that I just finished is for people who are deciding whether to stay or leave. To Good To Leave/To Bad To Stay by Mira Kirschenbaum. H has beaten me up so bad over the years verbally that now that I have something really important to talk about....I cant even get it started. I'm trying really hard last weekend and will do so again this weekend to let him know that I really need out, I need away from him. I've already mentioned it before Christmas but, he's been nice as nice can be for 4 weeks now. Our Saturday night ritual has always been once kids are asleep, around 10 or 11 we go at it, talk for a few minutes, which then leads for fighting and the verbal attacks. I get little to no sleep and so would always spend my Sundays with the girls..exhausted and grumpy and trying to play happy. ARGH!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 1:04pm

On good days and bad, the best advice I've gotten here, is to take it one day at a time. I never knew what to do next, just keep going. After you get a break from all the put downs and criticism, you start to feel a little better, a little stonger. You can do this! You do desrve love, and to be treated well, you're right! The book is great, it really helped put H's behaviour into perspective and I found my self falling for his manipulation less and less.

Keep us posted and best of luck!

Carrie

Avatar for cirrus1993
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 6:41pm

I just sent my bf away last week for 2 yrs of emotional abuse. I got so depressed and couldnt really put a finger on why at first, but then I figured it out as he got worse and worse. December was horrible. I dont think I did a single thing he approved of in December. He broke my bedroom door because I locked it to change my clothes one day. I told him that was real smart. I didnt go to his company christmas party because he called me a very nasty word the night before. And on Jan 4th when I didnt tell him I was taking my mom out for her birthday "the right way" he blew up on me, shoved me and called me an idiot. That was it for me. Two years of being told how stupid I am, how stupid the music I listen to is, the things I care about doing are stupid and anyone could do them, I'm a bad mother, not a real woman, and certainly not wife material. I bent over backwards to throw myself out the window and be what this guy wanted and it was never good enough. His last night here he told me I didnt know what to do with a man, and I told him most men would be very happy to have someone like me.

He acts like he doesnt understand at all why all those "jokes" or things said in anger hurt me, thinks I am completely over-reacting, and today even emailing me things about women and emotional problems. (yeah, I do have an emotional problem from his abuse!) He thinks because he told me I was beautiful often, it was an eraser for everything else he said and did to me. I asked him if he would want a man to treat his daughters that way when they grew up and he said definitely. He is so proud of himself. I have two sons and I know I dont want any girls in their life to feel this pain.

I dont know why they dont get what it does to a person. Its very sad. I loved him and believed in him so much, it hurts to know its such a hopeless situation. Now Im just numb and dont care and he doesnt get how I can be that way when he "loves me so much".

Love shouldnt be that hard and hurt that much.

Hugs to you and congratulations on being strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 8:31pm
Verbal abuse is abuse...You may want to talk with a Family Crisis Center counselor. They will help you understand your situation. when I stopped to think about how I was really getting through each day, and that I had to keep telling myself "he's not as bad as...", when no one in our family was happy anymore, I decided to take the risk of him going through with his threats and leaving. Of course, it wasn't that simple, it was a progression. I couldn't believe how much the verbal abuse I have suffered affected me until I left my husband. I also never realized the patterns I was set in, until I heard others talk about it. There has also been physical abuse, but I think it was the verbal that scared me the most. It was intimidating, and he made me believe that I, my children, even my possesions weren't as good as him,his children,his possesions. I thought that I didn't need help unless I ended up in a hospital. That's not true.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 8:37pm
I read how tired you are. I was absolutely exhausted the first few days after I left. I still have trouble sleeping some nights, or just going to bed, but it's getting better. I'm sorry if I missed it, but have you spoken with a lawyer? Even if you decide not to divorce, you should have legal counsel. ((HUGS))
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 11:04pm

Thanks. He is already in on the "guilty pitty party." He asked me to go to couple counseling - I said no. He wanted to go to church with me on Sunday - I said no.

I found my journal from 2000 - it said the same thing I am saying today ... and even better - I said I had been putting up with it for 8 years. And now in 2007, when did I make it OK for him to call me names or come at me like he was going to hit me?

Nothing was ever good enough - I put all the holidays together, not big enough; took care of all of the bills, not well enough..Not a good mother..wife..daughter. He is really good about using me weaknesses against me.

He has called me to tell me he loves me (which I can't reciprocate) and then later calls to be nasty. Already - he is doing this.

He has tried using my own words on me - very clever.

I just have to remember how it has been in the past.

Unless there is a miracle, I do not see him changing.




Edited 1/20/2007 12:00 am ET by gettinsilly
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 1:06am
Gettinsilly, I don't usually post on this board, so pardon my intrusion, but I read your post and I had to comment.


I was married to a verbally and emotionally abusive man for 17 years before I asked him to leave. The funny thing is at the time I told him I couldn't live like that anymore there hadn't been any problem for a good long time, no current problems or fights, I just woke up one day and knew I couldn't do it anymore. In retrospect, I probably chose a "good period" because I felt safer in facing him with it.


I didn't feel like you do, rather than exhausted, I felt uplifted, exilarated, I felt like a million pounds had been taken from my shoulders. It felt so good to know I was finally done with all that.


My ex stalled leaving, called often even crying and telling me he wanted to come back. Like you I felt sorry for him, and that was part of what had kept me from leaving long before, but I'd realized I couldn't fix his problems and he wasn't trying, so feeling sorry for him went to a level where I no longer actively tried to make it better, I just felt sorry that he'd chosen to live with his issues. I'd also lost respect for him long ago. I was tired of thinking about him, trying to fix him and walking on eggshells. I wanted life, I wanted peace.


I made a detailed list of things he'd done and said over the years so that anytime I questioned whether it was really *that* bad or felt pressure from him to let him come back I pulled out the list and read it. I figured it would bring it all back very, very clearly and made considering going back completely out of the question. As it turns out, I never needed the list, I was pretty clear on never going back to that hell, but I know others who have used the list and found it very effective. Wishful posted this on the New Beginnings board and I think it's pretty important for anyone leaving an abusive situation to read:

Abuser's responses to breakup

Verbal abuse is hell, I know. I just want you to know that life is very, very sweet on the other side of abuse. It won't always be easy, the first year was a struggle for me, but I never regretted my decision, not even for a second. As bad as it ever got, it was always better than dealing with an abuser. Here I am now, ten years later. Remarried to a very wonderful, very healthy man. I have a wonderful relationship, a wonderful life. I can tell you that the life you envision really is out there, but you'll never see it if you're with an abuser.

I don't know if you're familiar with Mary Engelbreit's art, but during the time I was leaving, and for a year or so after, one of her pieces was my anthem. I looked on the internet for an example to show you, all I could find was the image on a t-shirt, better than nothing, I guess. Here it is, maybe it will be your anthem too:

Don’t Look Back

The crossroads says it all. You're doing the right thing, don't ever doubt that.



Edited 1/23/2007 2:29 am ET by 2nd_life

~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_

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