do these people have magic powder ?
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| Sat, 12-30-2006 - 3:02pm |
How could I even think about going back to partner? She says some kind things, declares her innocence , and writes how much she loves me ...but "you must not be ready".....After I refuse to comment on the affair thing and polish up her tarnished self-image she is cold and terse and signs off...."see you in the park sometime" . So much for her empathy towards me. I'm shocked. Where's the compassionate, kind and caring person I I knew? Was it real or a ploy? This all makes me think even more strongly she's involved elsewhere...her guilt turns to anger with me for not "believing" her.
And here I was rethinking, doubting self....all for a brief email....Is the air poisoned?was some toxic dust put on my food? HOW could I begin to think we could "make it O.K."???
There is a huge world out there...why am I so stuck on her?
Thanks you guys....you're part of that huge world.

You know what.. I thought about going back to my partner.. I gave him so many chances and each time I actually thought he would change! wrong.. they never will. You aren't alone in what you are feeling. All abusers are up and down and up and down. All it is, is a rollercoaster ride... and they love to make us feel crazy. You might have heard a lot of times, about the victims saying that they abusers calls them crazy.
Yup, I do think these people have magic powder.. they sprinkle it on us, we get brainwashed and think they are perfect!! WRONG!!
(((((BIG HUGS)))))
Lauren
Thanks Lauren-I need some support right now...my son went back to school, I feel very alone-it's so weird not having her here-sometimes when I hear the dogs walking around I think it's her.....
And at the same time it is crazy making-she's mad at me !!!! she's cold and hostile and blaming me for the breakup-and I am having a hard time deflecting the anger/blame-at least today I am. Also I start obsessing about her seeing someone else....I know it's all crazy...but what can I say...we were together over 6 years,,,,so I'm hanging in there-doing "the next right thing"-not calling or apologizing or trying to "fix" it. I'm walking the dogs, spent time with my son...talking to supportive people etc. Next week I go back to work after a medical leave-I'm both dreading it and looking forward to it .
So that's it-I have some plans for New Year's with safe people who know my situation and I don't have to fake being all happy and upbeat-I can be quiet and just present. I have my little animal family .....
Anyhoo, that's my story for the moment. Thanks for your support....may you have a wonderful and happy New Year!!!!!!!!! Beth
Hi Beth! I'm sorry to hear about your meeting with the ex. Beth, you've not been rejected, you've been hurt and it was her that did it. It's not you, this is how she treats a partner. I know what you mean about wondering if they have a love interest, all the thoughts of cheating. It can drive you mad. But, a loving partner would not leave you w/ such a thought. H used to tell me how good he was at picking women up in his day, early on left the "list" in a drawer after I was the one that was doing laundry. They plant this doubt. Remember the book, they feel entitled. H may have, she may have, lets just stop thinking about them for a few minutes today. Cause if they did or they didn't, they definitely didn't offer compassion or concern for us when we suspected, but used it to their advantage over us.
I'm really glad to hear you're heading back to work, you need to be around other people and could use a little distraction. Good for you for making New Years plans! I wish you a wonderful New Year! Our New Year's resolution should be to take care of ourselves, and look forward, not back. Before that though, consider how far you've come! We all have doubts, but where were you when you 1st started posting? Think about all the helpful advice you've had to offer. I know you've definitely helped me get through these days, and others. You've opened up to your boys and passed on some helpful insight to them. You seemed more positive, than met up w/ her and are questioning yourself. She does this to you. You're perfect w/o her. She complicates things.
What's not a good fit about work? Talk about not a good fit, I do day care from home, and am leaving. That's a whole other mess. I'm sure it'll be harder to post going back to work, but hope to hear from you! Good luck going back, and take care of yourself. Are you feeling up to it?
Carrie
Hi Beth - this whole disassociation process is a huge mammoth roller coaster ride. Some days I am actually euphoric about the thought of being away from him and starting over on my own. Other days I am terrified at what has happened, other days I miss him terribly and feel so alone and isolated. Others I feel maybe my behaviour has caused this huge mess....
I imagine today with your son leaving that your feelings are just magnified and it is totally understandable. We have had some lengthy conversations lately and he is pushing all of the blame on me and not taking any responsibility for his behaviour at all. And I can tell that he genuinely believes what he is saying. I haven't read the Bancroft book yet but I imagine this stage of deflecting is common for abusers. At least it is for yours and mine.
Hang in there - you are doing a great job - look forward to a New Year and positive changes towards a happier life
Rose
Hey Carrie,
thanks for your post-I printed it out so I can "remember". I'm just tired and worn down-my son leaving lasat night was hard for me. Most of my adult life has been focused on my kids....I was already suffering "empty nest" with them both off to college, and then to be without partner feels soooo alone!
Thanks for your story about H leaving list for you. Why are they so cruel?? Thanks for reminding me about lack of concern/control when I'm vulnerable....I was getting hopeful when I got that forst "loving" e-mail....I think that messed me up to....that lottle bit of hope.
I'm glad I've been helpful-as have you! We all need this site and the support. She does complicate things and brings me down....I think if I'm walking later I'll go to a different park-I'll have to drive but it may just be worth it.
Work....I'll be going half-days at first . I still feel tired and believe it or not my abdomen is still sore/tender. It's been a slower recovery than I thought it'd be......I'll still post but not as much when I'm back to regular schedule. your day care job...why are you leaving?
I'm a pediatric nurse-I'm just tired. It's a fun job lots of times but it's stressful and draining too. I'd like to focus on me awhile, plus it's so physically demanding-I'm on my feet all the time and it's hectic/busy...I'm too old!!! :) Truthfully, I'm just kind of burned out. I like it and I don't....
Thanks for the support-I'm having a sad day .
Take good care, keep posting so I know how you're doing!
Beth
Hi Rose,
Thanks for the support. My son leaving definitely affects me. quite honestly every time they visit and leave I'm depressed. My real job in life has been to be a mom and when the younger one left for college it was/is so hard. So some of my angst is from this. It amplifies my aloneness not having partner here...I haven't been alone for 25 years!!!!....
I understand your ups and downs..I think what we're experiencing is normal-it's hard to process all this insanity. That he's blaming you is so classic . The Bancroft book will help you a lot-he really spells it out. I bet I put about 50 post-its in that book to reread this or that.
You take care too. It will be a better New Year-I do know that. We'll all get through. "life doesn't shut one door without opening another" - we deserve love and respect, and if we stay in this situation we're not allowing or available for another person to ever love us.
Happy New Year and again thanks for the post-you keep sharing too how you're doing!!! Don't let his BS get to you-know that he/they twist and distort reality and take no responsibilty for the massive and debilitating harm they cause....
Hugs to you,
Beth
SARCASM ALERT
Hey Gonnabefine!!! Thankyou for a great New Year's gift-a good laugh!!!!! I'm grateful to see her for who she is...even though it takes my breath away-where was I for the past 6 &1/2 years? Good grief!
Thank you, thank you...for the kind post. Any red flags in the future from woman or man and I'm outta there.
Happy and safe and joyful New Year to you!
Beth
Melody Beattie has a saying that after years of
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit