R/O & temp custody

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
R/O & temp custody
8
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 12:08am

Thursday night I called the cops on H as the lawyer told me to if he was in my face messing w/ me. 16, 9 and 3 yr old were in the room when he started. A lot of words, looks, hannibal Lector gestures, slitting throat gestures, I started to shake. Before this were comments of knowing exactly what I've been doing the past few months, he knows everyhting that's going on, telling me to read another book ( I was reading Why Does He Do That, but kept it from him). I start feeling shakey, terrified and then terribly sad when I realize my 9 yr old is sitting up listening, he was lying down before. 16 yr old had grabbed the phone and called her boyfriend, H went into the garage, I picked up the phone and said I needed it. Locked in the bathroom I called cops. I was on the phone w/ them until one arrived. Cop didn't even make him leave in the end, told me while H was in the garage that I should pack mine and the kids clothes and get them out the next day, but then let him stay even though I felt threatened. Even though he was walking around w/ clenched fists and pacing and refusing to talk to him! Then the cop tells me I can leave the kids even though I have custody of 4, and he's filed for custody of our 2!

Early hours of the morning I'm preparing an exit w/ all the kids w/ DV center. Call lawyer to tell him about the previous night and he sends me to probabtion to file a civil order of protection, that takes 1 1/2 hrs, than I take it to court house, they call a judge in, I get temp custody/stay away (from all of us and school grounds). Wait at the neighbors (God bless them, they're wonderful!) until I can see they're loading his guns in the trunk. I'm home w/ the kids, he has to stay away from all of us. Tuesday we go back to court in the AM. My concern...This temp order is good until Jan 2nd, can he come here at like 1am when our appt is at 9:30? Will have to call lawyer early Tuesday. Nevermind, reread the order, it includes that day.

Noone asked about him being gone except for 9 yr old. Not even our own children together! I meant to expalin everything tonight, but DD's B-ball tournament got us home at 6pm, took oldest DD to boyfriends, had to take more cans back for milk, got showers and baths. 16, 13, 12 & 9 yr olds know we're moving. Tomorrow there's only cleaning here, will talk to the youngest early so they can bounce any thoughts, ideas and questions off me. They haven't really questioned me as harshly as I thought. I want some questions, it's taken a lot to be ready to have the answers, I want to give them that. Guess they knew more than I thought. 13 yr old I thought would be nasty to me has taken an interest in where we move. She asked why we couldn't live here and I told her he bought the house before we were married so it's his to keep.

The judge I appeared in front of for temp order referred me and the kids to a couseling center nearby, which is good cause I won't even have my counselor once we're divorced, it's through EAP. This center offers family and counseling for kids in these situations, Wonderful! They'll need it. BTW my kids have been much better w/ their behavior and manners in only a day! They are using please and thankyou and excuse me as I demand, but he never did. There is noone to undermind me as a mother.

DS asked if I'd be getting married again. I told him I was going to be pretty busy w/ going to sports for them and driving DD to work, that I was looking forward to that w/ them. I can't even think about dating!

Thanks to anyone who made it through this extremely long post! I have noone standing over me, and felt free to go on! Thanks,

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 11:47am

I wish you all the best! This is going to be a great year for you and the kids!

Lisa(Hugs)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 1:14pm

What an amazing, busy time you've had this week.

I'm sitting here furious that they told YOU to leave your home, with kids. Leave them there? Is this cop a newbie? An abuser himself? A total idiot?

I think, while it's quiet, a phone call to the police might be in order. Simply ask if they have a DV division. You can get an appropriate name and number of someone who knows what the heck is going on. You might need someone who realizes this is not a spat. In the situation you experienced, it doesn't matter who's on the deed at the moment. You have kids; he's a danger. A totally visible danger.

You know in your heart the kids know what's going on. It's funny. So many parents crow about their kids' intelligence, their savvy, their quickness. Then, when daddy's pounding the sh!t out of mama, verbally or physically, these same parents tell themselves their kids are stupid and unaware. Huh?

I think you can have confidence in them. If they can count on you for the truth and consistancy? It's huge. I'm still a bit worried about this BF and your daughter jumping out of the fire into the pan. Or whatever that saying is. Keep an eye on her in particular. Respect her as an almost-adult, but be the mom. You've got an EXCELLENT head on your shoulders and they'll count on that during his insanity.

I'm glad you listed to your body. Your gut, your shakes, your heart clenches. Death threats? Even as gestures? They are threats nonetheless. Think about it. If someone on trail did that to a witness? What would the court system do? That cop P!SSES ME OFF.

Nonetheless, hang tight. You're doing well and were VERY smart to ask for the RO.
I'll be thinking about you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 4:34pm

YAH CARRIE!!!!!! You're doing it. OMG I almost got the shakes reading your post! Be safe, take care.....you're kids are loving you for this...believe me they've been scared too. He's abused them by abusing you! Plus kids need their mom and must have been terrified that something bad might happen to you!

Where will you be living? The house you looked at???

Take care,
love, prayers and hugs to one courageous woman!
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 11:15pm

Thanks for the support! My lawyer was amazed at the cops reaction, along w/ probation officer and DV advocate. The cops comment " he can say whatever he wants, it's an argument". He didn't even take a name, there was no report, but there wasn't last time either. The cop even told me there was no crime committed, he hadn't hit me. Talk about pissed! That's why I was going to give up on the cops and go to a safe house.

DD got on the phone w/ BF, but really I'm not concerned about them. She's been dating him for 2 years now and they spend time together here or at his house supervised, I've known his parents the whole time and they're wonderful people that are devoted to their children, and BF is a very respectful young man. I know what must be on his mind most of the time, but he sends no bad vibes my way even after 2 years.

It's true, I know the kids know more than I thought. I don't think I thought they were stupid, I just tried for so long to diffuse it, not getting that it was abuse, partly believing it was my fault. After all I had found a 2nd abuser. No more of that!

Sometimes I get scared and wonder if he's around watching, he did say he knew everything about the past few months and has stopped all other activities like hunting and stuff, to be home all the time. We have woods all along one side of us and are on a dead end street.

I definitely feel like I'm getting somewhere. Called DV hotline and have an advocate for Tues. I feel better knowing more of what to expect. Was told his lawyer is pretty awful, but lawyer already warned me. Really not looking forward to seeing H there. Will post after court, as long as I'm in the house still.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 11:27pm

Hi Beth! I called back about a 3 bedroom house, the owner was previously in an abusive relationship. Haven't heard back from her but was going to give her a little more information and see if she inquired for a little bit more?

!3 year old had a storng opinion that we should be able to keep the house! She was very talkative on the way to her friends tonight. Noone seems to have a problem w/ us not being together but where we'll live. Than again it's very early.

Thanks for the encouragement Beth. I'm reading tonight so I'll look for a post from you.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 12:52am

Hi Carrie...so where are you going? where are you sleeping? It's great that the kids are doing so well-kids are very resilient and again I'm sure they're thrilled to feel safe and secure. Your 13 year old is feisty :)...good quality, and it's wonderful that she's so O.K.with it all .

Happy New Year to you!!!! You deserve it! you've worked really hard these past few weeks and gotten out!
Talk to you soon...
Beth

P.S.My New Years Eve was good-went to a meeting, went to a friend's house and ate and hung out with her and her husband and their family/friends. Her mom is very nurturing so I told her I was going to adopt her to be my mom . I talked to both my sons on the phone which was super . I feel safe, I feel loved. There was a saying in the Al-Anon meeting tonight that I want to share...it said "We are not perfect, but we are excellent". I love that-I always felt like my best wasn't good enough, I had to do more and more and be "perfect"-no bad moods, no anger or grievances....like a plastic person. I felt so "not O.K."and so sad, this quote is very affirming that we are excellent and do deserve love/respect....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 4:20pm

Happy New Year to you too Beth! I'm glad you had a peaceful evening. Isn't it amazing how calm it can be w/o them? H has been removed from the house because of our R/O, in NY state it's a stay away order, he can't come to the house or have contact w/ me or the kids and I have temp custody.

Today was incredible! Took 5 of the kids grocery shopping, not a single problem. Normally I'd dread this, but I can't believe that w/o him here how they mind the rules I've always tried to adhere to! Really, this should suck! It's the end of vacation and they should be going nuts. They all minded me and for the 1st time in a long time had the 50 cent treat they always ask for, a video game to play after check out. I'm feeling really good, knowing it's the right thing to have done, relieve all the tension. I'll consider everyones opinions in looking for a place, but ultimately I decide. These past few days of peace have me feeling better about needing to be honest w/ them and my ability to do it. I'm feeling stronger and I'm sure they pick up on that.

What do your boys have to report? What about your son w/ the selfish girlfriend? We really do have reason to celebrate this New Year! Hope that you start a discussion after going back to work and update us! Thanks so much Beth!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 5:38pm

{{HUGS}} to you.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit