Can anyone relate...?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Can anyone relate...?
12
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 12:17am

H and I have had some pretty intense conversations/arguments about separating yesterday and today. He has been saying all along that he is moving out in the New Year. Well I don't know if he was just trying to push me into complying with his wishes (get me to do what he wants) but I think I called his bluff (unwittingly).

I have been having sex with him even though I really don't want too - but he gets so full of rage when he doesn't have that release that I have been giving in - call it self preservation. He stayed at a friends house last night - we had an argument before he left. Then he was back by approx 7;30 (we were all still sleeping) and asking me for sex. I said no - he flipped out - I gave in - as per usual. Then I got up with the kids while he slept a wee bit longer. When he got up he wanted to go for round two. I think my nerves are shot and I had a bit of a panic attack - I said definietly no - he could see the outrage on my face - i couldn't even look at him. Then he said he wanted to go out for breakfast with the kids - I said my stomache was upset (which it was). Before he left we talked and I said that we needed to separate - that my nerves were shot - I can't go on living like this. Long story short - he has been saying he would not go to counselling for many months now (years actually)- but now that he sees that I want out he has agreed to go. Has told me he loves me and wants to work this out. I can even choose the counsellor. The thing is I can tell that he is being genuine (I might choke on those words tomorrow!)

I feel like I have to give him this shot - even though from all the posts I have seen here that any kind of turn around on his part is highly unlikely. I do feel that we need to split no matter what. If we could take sex right out of the mix - I know I could work on things with him. But I know that is not a truely realistic expectation.
Anyway - I asked him to stop coming and going whenever he wanted to and I told him I didn't want to discuss this anymore tonight. So far he has respected both of those requests. My nerves are still frazzled but I am hopeful that I finally got through to him.

What do you think? Also - does anyone know anything about sexual addiction? I am fairly certain that he hasn't slept with anyone else (no affairs) but he does seem completely dependant on sex - to help him sleep, to help him relax, to help him feel peaceful - you name it. It seems like his drug of choice. Without it he flips out - full of rage and anger, can't be civil, what do you think.....

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 12:58am

Your guy sounds like mine, at the end of the day if they're having sex w/ us, it must be alright, right? They're not looking elsewhere. You have panic attacks? Panic, anxiety and depression are sypmtoms of being w/ an abusive partner.

Don't go to counseling w/ him! One thing I'm grateful for, I didn't go w/ H! They're smart, they'll use that lingo against us. Get counseling for yourself, DV counseling. 2 years ago I'd have said H was faithful, but there's a lot to indicate that he hasn't been. You're having sex w/ him, even though it feels wrong. Pay attention to that, it is wrong. H used to make me promise I would only be his, w/ him and I did.

I must be a liar, cause I'll never be w/ him again. You owe him nothing, especially not your body. Sexual addiction? How about sexual abuse towards you?

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 7:16am

I suggest no. He sounds like a dangerous, controlling man. I would stop talking to him about separating and work on putting a plan in place to do that.

He is NOT being genuine. Most abusers have no idea what genuine is. Their abusive, controlling ways are the "real" them. He is showing you what I call "abuser's remorse." It's not real remorse, it's only what he has to do and say to keep you in his control. If he needs help for his sexual addiction and rage issues, he needs to go to therapy and 12 step groups ALONE. I suggest you go to therapy and 12 step groups ALONE. I think couples counseling is a bad idea. He has individual issues that he really needs to work on and you probably do too. He is an abusive and controlling man who is using and abusing you. He does not treat you with love. Love is an action. It matters not what they say, it matters what they do. The "I'll go to couples counseling" is a ploy. I know it's tough to see it for what it is (I fell for it as well) but it is just a ploy. Please go to therapy on your own.

Read Women Who Love Too Much because it really will open your eyes to so many things. Good luck to you.

Susan




"Success is building a foundation with bricks thrown by others."


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Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 9:10pm

We went to counseling for about 6 months....in some ways it helped...more the superficial issues, not the down deep ones. I had high hopes but it didn't get to the core issues. I don't regret it per se because it helped me see that the problems we had were less about "us" and more about partner....and at our last session that's exactly what I said.

I also strongly suspected an affair and felt terribly frightened and insecure about that. If you do go, also go to IC w/someone hip to DV issues...to help you process and take care of you. Good luck, keep posting,
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 11:11pm

Well - we have now separated. He has moved into a mutual friend's house and more importantly he has told some friends and his parents. He is very calm about everything. I am pretty sure that he is hoping that we can fix this.

We met for lunch today and he was very calm. Personally - as long as we remove sex from the relationship, I feel much better. He has used sex as a pacifier for many years and that behaviour has just escalated. My nerves are completely shot though and we haven't told the kids that he has moved out. He has two careers including one as a fire fighter so they are used to dad not being around on many nights. We can likely bluff our way through this for a week or two. I would feel much better telling them as I hate lying and I hate having that task hanging over my head.

I feel like it took so much to finally get him to agree to counselling that we have to go through with this. I am continuing to see my own counsellor as well. We are going to see his counsellor (I have already seen her once - I like her but I don't think she specializes in abuse) but I plan to tell her like it is and be totally honest no holds barred. We have gone this far - have separated so i feel like there is absolutely nothing left to lose at this point.

Bottom line he wants/needs/craves raunchy porn style sex and I don't want/need/crave that. I think he will ultimately choose to persue it - I am pretty sure I do not want to get back together with him - but I do feel like we owe our children to at least give counselling a shot. I also feel that by doing ti this way that we are increasing our chances at an amicable divorce.

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 11:23pm

We have separated - he moved out yesterday and he has now also told some friends and his parents. I have been confiding in a couple of friends for quite some time now (which he was aware of) but he has kept it all to himself until now.

I am continuing to see my counsellor who - as luck would have it, does specialize in domestic abuse. I do feel like I have to follow through on the marriage counselling though as it took so much for him to finally agree. I feel much better that we have taken the step to separate and I have also said that sex is absolutely off the table now. That in and of itself is a huge relief for me. I suspect that this is the beginning of the very end for us - I feel like I am in a constant state of anxiety and I think that I will continue to feel that way until we tell our daughters (2 and 4) that he has moved out (he works many nights so they are used to him not being here often).

Thanks again for your post

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 11:34pm

Hi Beth - I am continuing to see my counsellor who does specialize in in domestic abuse. I do feel like going to counselling will help us have a more amicable divorce should things go that way (which I do strongly suspect).

my stomache is in knots, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I was the one to insist on the separation - very much in a "I'm at the end of my rope" kind of way. I will go to counselling with him - but also on my own as well. I ahve moments when I feel so strong. And others where I am a cowering infant. I know we have to do this - I feel awful for my children - but I do feel like this is the best things for all of us at this point. I just would feel better if they were aware of what is happening - but I don't think we will tell them for a couple of weeks (once we have a plan for visitation etc in place - for now we are winging it)

Thanks again Beth.

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 5:06pm

Hi Rose...I know how you feel strong, then very vulnerable/scared. It's normal-just keep reaching out. Your kids/ How old are they? They know "something's " going on-depending upon their age you may want to offer a simple explanation that you and daddy are having some differences/difficulties and you're getting help/talking to someone and checking out solutions....you know what i mean....it may help them feel secure that you're talking about it-believe me...they know and it's more scary when it's not talked about.

I know you want an amicable divorce if it comes to that-just keep getting support and venting....It's a very difficult time when one wants the relationship but also realizes it simply may not work. Take care of you ...these relationships take so much of us...be good and gentle to yourself.
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 5:18pm

Hi Beth - thanks for your note. Our daughters are 4 and 2 years old. They really are used to daddy coming and going so I don't know for sure that they have cought on to anything. I think my four year old does notice the tension in the house when we are all there together and I don't want that for them. They may have noticed the intense amount of cuddles they have been getting from me - plus I have been trying to fill their lives with lots of little activities as a distraction to what is going on with us. they are very happy go lucky little girls and I haven't noticed any changes in their behaviour.

It is easy when he is working nights - I tell them he is at the firestation for the other nights I say that he has a meeting (he is also a real estate agent) so they are very used to him not being at home very much. All that aside from the fact that he is always going out with his friends to the bar, or play golf or hockey, go to the gym. You name it. They are used to it being me and them only. I want to say something but H says no at this point - not sure why. I don't think he has even called his counsellor for an appointment yet. Fine with me....I think he might get a taste of freedom and make a run for it! I could be wrong but time will tell.

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 8:05pm

1) this isn't sex addiction, it's a power trip and he is powerful every time he beats you down.

2) counseling is bad. Bottom line. If you could get him to go to a DV counseler ALONE, (and he'd lie to you afterwards about what s/he said), there is less than a 1% chance.

3) If you feel you owe someone, like your children, to get through this better? Then do it right. Don't do some 1/2 assed couples counseling you already know is inapplicable and only gives him more power.

4) There is no such thing as an amicable divorce. Anyone who tells you such is either lying or has conveniently forgotten that the death of dreams rips hearts out.

5) Stay with your counselor and insist on him going to his. A competant counselor won't ask to see you until they know HIM very, very well.

Hang on.
C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:58pm
Hey sweetheart, just read what you're going through. My heart goes out to you. Be strong and stay away from him - you're too precious to be hurt anymore.
There will be atime when you can look back on this and pat yourself on the back for being so brave. Right now, you must stay focussed and do not give in. He's likely to play more dirty tricks to get you to change your mind - be prepared and stand your ground.
I hope you have support in the from of family and/or friends.
My thoughts are with you.
xx

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