emotions coming to the surface

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
emotions coming to the surface
14
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 8:58pm

I've been numb for a long time, mentally there but kind of going through the motions. I hardly cry. Saw her in the park yesterday walking dog-lately she's been "angry", keeping dog on leash and hurrying off. Wouldn't you know it...the day when I felt sooo raw and hurt and in pain, she's all warm and friendly. I cried, I yelled at her for the crappy things and she put her arms around me-I had said "don't touch me" but when I started to really cry she hugged me and as painful as it is to write I hugged her back. Yet I still said the things that were truths to me. We talked for a while-I started to doubt myself, wonder why I was breaking up... and believe her! I got home and made a call to a friend.
Today I'm crying a lot-pain, loss, grieving for what I do miss....and feeling so awful that this is what it is! At one point she said "I'm sorry for what I did" ...and I practically screamed "yeah, you're sorry alright, not for how you hurt me but that I caught on and am stopping it". I hurt physically-I think for shoving it down for so long, not addressing the real issues and "keeping the peace"....not wanting confrontations with my sons around. I let her into my head to tell me how to think and feel and behave. Some of my tears are for simply losing myself...trying to be what she wanted me to be. I'm crying too for all the times I was too depressed/anxious and wasn't "present" for my boys. I'm sad for allowing my spending/debt to get out of control , for the disorganized place my home is right now...cluttered. It'll take time but slowly I'll get it in order. And reclaim myself...most important of all.

I'm now willing to drive the dogs to a park several miles away if I can't get there well before her ...I can't bear to see her, I feel really vulnerable, I feel hurt/angry....I don't want to hear her words that sound so good especially when I wish they were true or indicate change. I don't want to risk moments of wishing/wanting and "going back" because i can't stand the pain []but really only postponing the inevitable]

One good thing is this....I tormented myself with the idea that she is in control still and has the upper hand ....when they are more cruel it shows who they really are...lack of empathy, compassion, goodness. When people take advantage of another's compassion or vulnerable times to manipulate and distort and cause pain that's not "winning"-it's abuse. It's stealing from someone to add to your sick ego.

I need to be gentle and let myself have my feelings-I thought she was someone different....I am so sad. It's o.k. If I don't stuff my feelings and just nurture myself I think I'll move through it more quickly. It's weird-I was so shut down and now I feel like a dam bursting. I think too that my son leaving after his college break-I have the mental space to let down my "guard" so to speak. I cried today like I haven't in years. Pent up feelings and hurt.

Tomorrow I go back to work , I had surgery in October....in some ways work will be healing.
Thanks for being there-I have to get some more of it out so I don't have another sleepless night...hugs to all,
Beth

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 10:53pm

It's alright Beth, I'm sorry she took advantage of your feeling vulnerable, but you're on to her! Had a moment of weakness myself Christmas Eve, as I carried bags of soda cans out ot the van, crying, cause I needed gas money to take my kids to my Aunt's and desperately needed a smoke! In comes the hero, "Carrie, you don't have to do that, I'll give you some money, what do you need, I'll help out". He came in the bathroom and hugged me, I didn't hug back, but let him. Sometimes it feels like it's been so long since we've been held, people need to be held.

I'm glad you called a friend and didn't stuff it all down but discussed what it really felt like? I cry for what I've done too, keeping the peace, believing my kids were sheltered from this, when I was so caught up in his games that while present, I could've been more supportive of my kids. So we lost a part of us, we're reclaiming that, day by day. We're finding a little more of who we really are every day, or 2 or 3, but it's happening.

I cried too, how could he file for custody? I cried for spending 8 years w/ him, and not standing up for my rights. For being punished by him, more severly than his own children. Our 2 together had more rights than I did.

You're doing great Beth! Don't beat yourself up for having feelings. Be greatful you're not the person that would disregard anothers and control them. I'm really glad to hear from you, hope work goes well!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 11:30pm

Hi Beth :o)

I'm sorry for everything that you are still feeling. 1 thing that I think is very very very important in your healing is the NO CONTACT rule. Acutally, I think it is the only way to heal. Even though you seen her in the park, she still upset you. I would be the same exact way with my abuser.. if I seen him I would be shook up. You might not be contacting her or vice versa.. but you still seen her and seen the way she reacted.

"Some of my tears are for simply losing myself...trying to be what she wanted me to be."
** I felt the exact same way you know. I did lose myself when I was with my abuser. I tried so hard to be what he wanted me to be... I lost myself for him, and what did he do for me? NOTHING!

"When people take advantage of another's compassion or vulnerable times to manipulate and distort and cause pain that's not "winning"-it's abuse. It's stealing from someone to add to your sick ego." **You said this perfectly and agree with it 100%

I'm glad to hear that you are heading back to work for a little while. I think it will help get your mind off of her for awhile. Maybe you have too much time to think?

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 11:48pm

Wow Beth - what a very heartfelt, articulate account of your feelings - I bet writing this note was a great release in and of itself. You sound very together to me. Clearly you have been doing a great deal of thinking. I think it is a great idea to go to another park if seeing her throws you off too much. You have to look after yourself first at all costs.

I too have done a bit too much retail therapy lately and my house is a disaster. I just have no energy to look after things. It is all I can do to ensure my children are eating healthy enough as I have no desire to eat at all.

Hang in there - it really seems to me that you are doing a great job. And you are right - she is the one losing out. What a miserable existance she must have have....

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 5:26pm

Thanks Carrie, It helps to know you get vulnerable too. And have feelings...omg...I have so many feelings now-it's a good thing. I shoved it all away before with food, clothes..whatever. It helps to hear too what you cried about-and your sadness-not that I'm happy you're sad, but it "normalizes" the losses for me.

We are reclaiming ourselves...it'll be a slow process, but I feel a touch less vulnerable to her "sweet" words...a little more hip to what's happening....at least I know I'm not rushing out to give her a key and invite her over. I will now avoid the park when I know she's going to be there.
I simply can't take it-I feel raw and bruised and need some healing time. I don't want that one horrible vulnerable moment where I trade my sanity for a hug/a temporary "fix"-and then it'll take months to extricate myself. She's e-mailing and so far I haven't responded and just may not...I don't know.
My home, although messy is feeling a little cozier...I adopted a new cat last week-minutes before my son was leaving for the airport :) . I have my dogs. I can cook or eat or sleep when I want. I have pain but no knots in my belly. Not sleeping well-but I think that'll change in time.

Work went OK-It was good seeing some people and they were very happy to see me . The hugs felt good! I was exhausted but I left at 12noon and after Al-Anon mtg. came home, had lunch and laid down for 20 minutes...I'm doing half days this week and next. Good decision on my part. I don't think I'd have lasted the day without collapsing into tears. I'm going to get myself some flowers at the weeks end to celebrate! . So now I can do it.

I hope you're well, and taking good care. Thanks for your honest sharing-my therapist told me too to "put the whip awway" i.e. not to beat myself up for having feelings, the hug...I'm human. And it is hard to believe that my partner is manipulating rather than loving me. I have just enough self doubt to know that I need some distance!

Hope all's well on your end. I appreciate your post.
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 5:34pm

Hi Lauren,

The half days at work are perfect-a little structure, earning some much needed money...doing something "good" for others ....I do need some distance, I'm more vulnerable than I thought.

Plus after being numb, justifying her behavior and stuffing feelings...I am now feeling more. I have had too much time to obsess, think about her with someone else....and those thoughts just take me down...this is pathetic but I spent about 5 minutes thinking if I got breast implants she'd be faithful...but it's sooo much more than that. I'd get all confused cause she'd cry all the time-I thought she was "hurt"-and I tried so hard over and over...and she is now trying to convince me she's been faithful...it's like being brainwashed! Thanks for your care- and words of wisdom/support I feel more compassion and empathy from you guys and will be eternally grateful!

Happy 2007!
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 5:52pm

Hi Rose,

Thank you for your message....you get it about the retail therapy! But it doesn't really help. I did purchase a ring for me whinh I feel good about but am going to return a pendant that is just too much money and cannot really make me feel better....she bought me lots of jewelry and it's like I'm trying to erase the pain of that and make it all better". I simply need to grieve. I still can't believe it went from point a to point z. I know there were some red flags but I never thought of it as abuse until this past spring....and even then thought she'd "work on it" but she doesn't see herself as abuser but as a victim!!! I'm to blame for the pain! She's just "tired" or stressed". We went to therpy but she seemed to see herself as the wounded party-I didn't have a right to be angry, have thoughts or feelings or perceptions that didn't reflect well on her.....

Take care of you! If the house is a disaster that's one thing but you need the strength, the energy, the "where with all" to deal with this situation. Make yourself eat! Treat yourself to some sweet things...flowers, manicure...what ever. Someone told me to be the partner that I wish I had -to myself!

I've been thinking, reading .....I've been going to Al-Anon and just being cared about and feeling safe has helped me move foward. I can feel the difference of the manipulative BS-even thpough I still fall for it-and how it feels when someone cares-with no maniluation/agenda of their own. One problem is this....since WE don't lie, cheat, abuse, manipulate--it's hard to detect it in someone who tells us they "love "us-and we come come with excuse-with their help of course.

I'm only getting more together because I'm starting to think and feel for myself and I have support taht tells me I'm ok....

Take care Rose....your H is not going to let up. Think of it as a war-you need to have support, resources , your health, energy and some clarity!

Keep posting and let us know how you are-I know it's so hard to be "in the middle"....I'm keeping you in my prayers...hugs to you and your children....you're doing it-you're moving forward too!

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 6:03pm

I am so glad that you bought your ring!!!! You are worth rubies most definitely. My H makes excuses all the time - he justifies his behaviour towards me by saying that it was sparked by his years of resentment towards me for not getting the kind of sex he felt he should be from his marriage partner. he seem to take no responsibility for his reprehensible behaviour at all. It to was "my fault". I certainly know better.

Today I am having a good day - tomorrow might be different. But I am expecting that. Tonight he has picked up the kids from daycare to spend some time with them so I am going to go to the bookstore to pick up the Bancroft book. Once he leaves the house after I arrive - I will put the girls to bed and started reading... looking forward to it....

All the best Beth..... I think it sounds like you are going such a great job of tackling your demons and growing from your experiences. I know I plan to take lots of time before I enter into another relationship... I have lots of healing to do first and I need to/want to find myself again. I have been lost for a long time.....

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 6:39pm

Thanks Rose. You'll love the book-it puts into writing all the things we feel but can't always put words to....I must have put at least 20 post its in the book to reread stuff..

You're doing it..one day at a time.

Time before dating??? You bet...this isn't the first relationship I've been in like this I'm sad to say-and I do feel like my eyes are so much more open. I will trust my instincts much more....and not pass off behaviors as ok that really aren't ok. Your H sounds so selfish and blaming . You deserve a respectful and caring person in your life....

Take good care, and congrats on moving forward,
Hugs to you and girls,
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 10:49pm

We're human, we're vulnerable sometimes. I packed it all down being so busy w/ sports and home work for my kids and doing day care. I used to barely get through it, now I enjoy it! All my kids sitting at the counter laughing, Mom's still a bummer telling them they have things to finish up. But they joke more, and I love it. How is the cat adjusting, and the dogs adjusting to the cat? I can't imagine since my dog chases anything it smells!

This place was messy for awhile, lost any motivation I had, it wasn't ever good enough. The kids activities became more important, it was a blessing. I'll start going through things and packing up some stuff so I don't have to do it all at once. I'm glad you're little bit of messy is comfy now! Mine too.

I'm glad work went well, you've every right to be exhausted. Maybe it will help you sleep tonight! It sucks, realizing that all you've tried so hard for was a manipulator. I was working towards a partnership, an honest, loving, supportive relationship. You were too. At least we realized it wasn't going that way, we know we need more. No more self doubt for either of us? We've come along way. Sleep well tonight.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 7:07pm

Hi Carrie,

I'm actually starting to feel a little more grounded and safe....I think that big, huge, gigantic cry on Tuesday helped get out some of the pain and truth and I feel a little lighter inside.

She's been e-mailing me-I haven't responded ..tonight asked if I wanted "contact"-I just wrote back and said I didn't have much to say and don't see reason for contact. We do still have cell phones with my son on a family plan that I need to figure out-plus she owes me lots of money ...

Work is very tiring-and I'm only working a half day! But it'll be o.k. And sometimes it is fun even though I hate being on my feet for hours on end...I'm too old :) . All and all I'm hanging in there...there's no "pressure" about my home being crazy disorganized-I can do things little by little....Tomorrow going to get some flowers for the table.

I'm so glad you're having fun with the kids!!!! I'm sure they are thrilled to see/feel you relaxed and happy! we worry so much and kids just want to feel safe! The cat/dogs/bird? i still have to supervise, the dogs start to gang up on the cat and I have to let them know it's not ok. The parrot however has let the cat know he's no ordinary bird! The cat watches him but that's about it . The cat is totally sweet though-a black, kind of fluffy guy with a sweet little chirping purr-I've never heard that in a cat...he's very gentle and playful which makes me laugh .

I know we both wanted healthy relationships-I think the abuse kind of sneaks in-and we're busy and tired and don't pay attention, calling it fatigue or irritability or poor communication or whatever. Then for me anyway I got depressed, anxious...always trying to keep things going, but losing a sense of me and not even knowing-then tolerating treatment that in the beginning I'd never tolerate but by then was used to it! I can't say I'm without self-doubt. I can say i'm avoiding the park at times she goes there because I do feel vulnerable...I still have self-doubt probably because I still have some denial...but it's ok. My motto is "do the next right thing" and that's not about seeing her today. It's important for me to just say "one day at a time"-for me that's helpful. If I told myself it was "forever" I couldn't do it -but it helps me move forward.

You take care...you "sound" so much happier and more relaxed! I'm going to get into bed earlier tonight and journal and listen to music ....
Beth

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