Want to stand up for myself and my son

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Want to stand up for myself and my son
8
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:46am

Yesterday I was thinking of emailing X in hopes he would leave us alone. A drafted a letter and I was hoping I could get some feedback before I send it. Thanks!!! (It's a long letter).

I am asking that you stop coming over to my house and I also would like you to remove all of your belongings by spring. If not, I will have to involve the police or the courts.
I always want to do what is best for D so I did let you come over to see him. For some reason I thought that if I could observe what was going on, that somehow I could protect D, but I have come to realize that again you are just using him to get to me and I am just setting myself and D up for more opportunities of your abuse.
I do not like it when you come to the house because you always have to make comments on improvements I’ve made on the house and worse you seem jealous about things D has (that is sad). I also really do not want to hear about another job you lost or how you crashed your car or how your last date went.
It also makes me angry that you do not accept any responsibility for D, that you expect everyone else to take care of him (must run in the family). You know I will always make sure D’s needs are met even if I have to make sacrifices. If you think that somehow not paying for child support will be a way to get back at me, than you are more of a loser than I thought.
You want to force a “friendship” on me and you don’t consider how I feel about that right now which really shows me that you do not respect me. I put up with a lot from you because of D and because of our long history together but I am tired; there is only so much I can take.
You want me to admit to all the wrongs I committed during our relationship. I have done that. I did not communicate with you, show you enough affection or support your dreams. I know I am not perfect. Are you stating these were the reasons you abused me? Remember, you didn’t divorce me I divorced you and it was because of the abuse and that seems to be something you have not accepted yet. In your eyes the things you did were not that “bad”, but it was still abuse and I still had the right to no longer put up with it. You try to convince me that you can change but it always seems to be on the condition that I change too, which gives me the impression that you feel your behavior was okay. Well, I will never be able to communicate with you if I am afraid that every word I say will piss you off and that you may grab me, push me, hit me or even just verbally degrade me. I will never be more affectionate if you are embarrassed to hold my hand or think viewing porn on the internet is foreplay and that sex is something you take instead of something freely given. And well for supporting your dreams, I am not sure what else you wanted me to do. You had free reign to do what you want- not work, not watch D, not pay bills. You had opportunities to go to school or find a better job, but how did you made use of your time to follow your dreams? You stayed up half the night playing on the internet then slept half the day. I could not make you be responsible for yourself.
Please leave us alone. I need time to heal and I can’t do that with you in my face.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 2:03pm

Honestly, I don't think you should send the letter. I think it will backfire and make things worse. Abusers seem to love this kind of thing. I really believe that if you send this letter he will bother you more. He knows he is bothering you, so he will keep on doing it. Abusers feed off stuff like this. I say save the letter.. but don't send it. I actually wrote letters to my abuser, but never sent them. It was a great way to release my emotions.

Lauren

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 3:00pm
I have wrote some letters before and never sent them to him. I guess this time I was just trying to figure out how to get him to stop coming to my house. Nothing works. Why I though this letter would, I don't know. I just want control of my life back and I don't feel like I have that. My mom doesn't even want to come see me because she doesn't want to be there if he happens to show up. It's hard to tell him to go away because when my son sees him he gets excited and wants his dad to come in. I just don't know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 6:14pm

Get in touch with a DV shelter/counselor-he can see his child and not have free rein to come to your home-talk to a lawyer/counselor/women's advocate-get the ball rolling for yourself. There are laws to protect you!

Take care and read the posts on this board it's very helpful...
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 11:12pm

I have a notebook, used to have notebooks. It's been 8 years though. I agree, don't send the letter, you can't give them any idea where you are emotionally, they'll take advantage of it! Ignoring him is the best bet. I reread what I've written, what he's given me to remind me of the control he once had. Now that legally he cannot contact me, he's trying to use the family members and friends to relay messages. They're all feeling sorry for him as if they hand out R/O's if you just stand in line!

Keep the letter, read it in a few days and than ask yourself why you ever bothered to explain this to him. Standing up for you and DS will be hard. The letter will do you more good as a reminder than it ever would do in his hands.

Take care,

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 5:49am

Dkm

I too just wrote a letter to my stbx abuser. After over a month of no contact. I took the opportunity to also tell him do not contact me again, "he came to my apartment crying". I told him that it doesnt benefit either one of us and i resent his intrusion into my time to heal from what he has done to me. But i don't share a child with him, so there is no reason for him to have anything to do with me now. He too had called one of my friends. He is in that desperate mode. I sent the e-mail then blocked his from replying to me. said what i had to say. what he does with it is not my concern. I agree with not sending the letter. I think that he won't respect what you are saying to him nor will he fully understand it. My therapist told me abusers truly dont understand the severity of thier actions. Remember how they manipulate. Everything he says and does has an ulterior motive to bring you back into his relm. If you send the letter he will take that as a sign that that you accept him in your life on some level. If you must have verbal contact with him to set up meetings with your son, work up a schedule of a consistent meeting place and times for pick up and drop off. do it for a month at a time. show it to your son. believe it or not this will help him with the realization of how things are now. He may not like it but he will get used to it. Have someone be with you at the drop off and pick ups. This way you are in control of your life. You are doing right by your son by giving him is time with his father but it is on your terms. You are in control. Also, this allows your mom to come to your home without the worry of seeing him. Your son is now the child of separated parents. There is no easy way around this. Time and consistency will help him adjust. If he ses you in control and that you can make things work without any drama he will appreciate that in time to come. Hope this was helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 1:11pm
Well, after calling the national DV hotline and a couple local hotlines I decided to email X but not the letter I wrote. I told his not to come to the house, remove his things and if he wants to change the current visitation order he will need to deal with Friend of the Court. It was short, simple and straight to the point. With all that said and done now I have to figure out how to deal with my son when X does come by (because I know he will not stop). It makes me so sad that it has to be this way for him(son). I have to understand that this was not a "normal" divorce and there is no such thing as being civil. It's bad that I knew what I was getting into when I married X but my son didn't have a choice, now he ends up paying the price for my bad decision. It just seems so unfair, he doesn't deserve this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 6:23pm

No your son didn't have a choice. But, he has a mother that's willing to fix what she can in his life. Good for you and for him. Let us know how it goes!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 7:14pm
Can you get a protection order/restraining order that will keep him away from your home?