Its has been 12 days away from abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Its has been 12 days away from abuse
3
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 11:23am
Hi Everyone,
I have to admit I fell back a couple days and had contact with my abuser. Of course he is pleadinging begging for his millionth chance to change. He said he would supposedly do anything. He is trying his nicey nicey act on me. Even though today he said dont be surprided to find a policemen at your door to servie you papers very calmly. So he is threatening me but acting nice about it in a calm voice and composure. Thanks for the support I need all I can get right now. I believe the best way right is to move away from the area I live for awhile, the only thing holding me back is my parents are not to healthy,but I aready know mom wants me to do this Abused Womens Shelter if I possibly get a hold of someone to grt in. Thanks again.
Cindy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 1:53pm

Hi Cindy,

It is commont o fall back with an abuser. Don't beat yourself over it okay. I feel back, I gave him chance after chance.. but did he change? NOPE. I seen him after I moved out of our place... so it's okay. I fell back too.

Of course he is pleading and begging for another chance. He says he will do anything, but will he change? I doubt it. Yeah, he might go to counselling for a few sessions.. and that is it! My abuser went to counselling.. for I think 3 sessions! The counsellor said he is fine and has a few issues and that's it! WRONG... he is abusive and he needed a lot more than 3 sessions to get better.

I also think it is a good idea to move away from him.. but it makes it tough with your parents not being so healthy. You should definitley call the womens shelter. You can go stay there... or even just go to counselling and support groups.

Good Luck and keep us posted.
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 4:59pm

I'm glad to hear you have your parents' support. At least I"m hoping it's from both of them.

Having contact with your abuser is counterproductive to you not only having a life, moving on, changing yourself, and staying away, but it's not the end all. Shoot. If that's all it would take, we'd all be doomed. And men would rule the world. What? Huh? Oh-oh.... There's trouble in River City. Anyway.

As you can see, your scumbag hasn't changed a bit. A couple of days, weeks or even months don't change life-long patterns. Particularly without the PROPER type of counseling and the desire on HIS part to actually change, not just learn tactics. Just because he's not screaming our pounding the crap out of you, he's still threatening you and trying to assert control. THIS is the important element to note in your "breaking down." Words are cheap. Look at me! I've got a heck of a lot of them!

One day at a time. One minute at a time. One breath at a time. Each breath you take without him is a moment of life without someone standing on your shoulders, beating your head like a railroad spike.

You talked to him, fine. Big effin' deal.

For anyone, not just you, reading this, that is NO REASON to be embarrassed or guilty or feeling like you failed something. It cannot be used as an excuse to go back. You can't pass go with it, nor can you use it for a reason to give up. This remains YOUR CHOICE and you're responsible for your own actions and choices. There is ALWAYS a choice.

There is no prize on this board. There is understanding, sympathy, (fear,) but most of all, understanding, sympathy, and encouragement. Encouragement to do the right thing, not necessarily the easy thing. However, this is YOUR life, not ours. Not his, not anyone else's. YOU are the one who will decide your own actions. You owe no one except yourself an explanation. If your actions go against YOU? Then and only then do you know they're the wrong ones. So you make another choice. Move on. The hope is that whatever you decide to do in any given moment, you do with absolutely COMPLETELY open eyes. If you let him snow you after finding this board on your own? It's because YOU WANT HIM TO. Period.

(Editor's Totally Inappropriate Note: I'm SO BORED AND DONE with people who seek out these boards, offer their story then fight with what they were afraid they'd hear in the first place. If you don't want changes in your life (not him -- you and we aren't that good) then what the heck are you .......)

Knowledge forces action. It also forces responsibility. So you talked to him. Are you past it or are you snowed? Are you choosing to believe what you WANT to believe, vs. what you KNOW to be reality? Only the person in the relationship can know the answer to that.

So cut yourself a little slack. You did it. Now? The important thing is what you're going to do with your not-so-new information?

See what I mean, bean?

C.
(Sometimes I scare myself.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:37pm

Hey Cindy,

I can't speak for your parents, and I'm sorry that their health isn't so great. If any of my girls were in your situation nothing would make me happier than to know they were taking care of themselves and working towards healing and moving on. Congratulations on 12 days! It's really hard, I know.

Carrie