Emotionally Drained
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| Wed, 01-03-2007 - 5:17pm |
Hi
I've been posting the past few weeks about the verbal abuse and just hurtful things my husband has said to me as late. We have been together 20 years, 2 children at home. He has had one affair that I can prove, 4 years ago and admitted it..and we supposedly worked things out, then I got breast cancer about a year ago and things have been declining since..but i thought we were ok until I found an email where it turned out he had been pursuing another woman again..though he denys any wrong doing.
Basically he has said that "I come home don't I" and basically it is none of my business what he does or says when he leaves the driveway.
That is my story in a short summary..
We took a trip Christmas with the kids and he acted nice to me, and has been fine the week since. I asked him if he meant the things he said to me and he said he did when we were "fighting" but not the rest of the time..and as long as I don't set him off and we fight for days at a time as we have latly..he wasn't planning to go anywhere.
I have made a list of the things said to me and tucked it into my wallet. When I find myself thinking I should forget and move on with him like we always do..I re-read the list. It goes something like this:
I married you because you were pregnant
I resent I didn't get to "pick" my own wife
I can't stand the sight of you most days
I don't care if I have hurt you, will hurt you or am hurting you or whatever demons you may have because of hurt in the past..I just don't care.
I f-ing hate your guts
Those are some of the choice things he said to me prior to Christmas..this week he tells me I still "turn him on"...gee thanks!
It would be so much easier to stay and wait until the next episode and just exist here witht the kids and not make waves but I feel I am giving in to his control and the fact that I stay says he can do whatever he wants and as long as I don't complain or ask anything of him emotionally to meet my needs, he will stay.
I have an appointment to talk to a lawyer and have made a counseling appointment that is a few weeks away still
My problem is that the pattern is, I get sucked back in..because I love him and it hurts so much to think of divorce, and losing him. The kids have pretty much stated they would stay with him..so I would have to be the one alone. He has also said several times in the past that if we seperate he has no intention of leaving, and if I don't like it I should leave. I feel like I am being pressured out..and it has almost come to me leaving a few times even though I have been advised to never be the one to abandon the house or he will use it agaisnt me.
When he is sweet to me again I am easilly sucked back in because I want it to work out so badly..but from the things he said..he never has been married to me for the same reasons as me..and I really thought he married me because he wanted to and he was in love with me.
The fact that he has held this against me for so long and felt that way without my knowing just kills me, it makes me feel like any good times we had were a lie.
I wish there were some way I could prove how many times he has cheated on me, because i am sure it is more than i could stand..but maybe that would kick me in the butt.
Finacially i am stuck..I have never worked more than part time these almost 20 years and have no savings..which I intend to change.
The problem is that even though I am starting to put together a plan for myself..it doesn't happen overnight and in the meanwhile I still live with him every day and long for it to be different.
I don't know what to do to separate the emotions out of things so it isn't killing me so much to stay here.
I don't want a divorce but I also don't want to live with someone who feels that way about me.
He hasn't told me he loved me for a long time..and when he did last, he said it like I "do" love you..(BUT) not "In" love with me was the implication.
So I carry around that list and I don't know if that is healthy or not..but when I find myself pining away for him I look at it and remind myself that i deseve so much better.
How can I help myself through this if I have to end things..I will be the bad guy in this matter as things always get turned around on me magically.
Do you ever wonder how you could have been so stupid as to be blindly in love with someone who it turns out was living a lie with you?
I am stunned and so sad..I need some advice as to how to stop obsessing over this, and how to stop the panic I feel at the thought of losing him..I am feeling really needy and foolish right now.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. He sounds like he is an absolutely lousy partner. I have a feeling that counselling will do you a world of good. I know it has helped me to recognize things for what they are and to stand up for myself. It really does help to have an uninvolved third party to bounce things off of. Do you have a support system - ie friend's or family that you have or could confide in? I do not have any family but my friends have been wonderful. Also consulting a lawyer before you do anything is a very good idea. At least you can make sure all of your ducks are in a row before you make any kind of move.
I would think after 20 years that your husband would have to pay some alimony to you particularly if you have been a stay at home mom/looked after the home etc.
Why do you think your children would choose to stay with him?
Hang in there Baerbaer - there must be some solutions to your concerns. And for the record, I agree - I think it is very unhealthy for you to stay in this miserable situation especially given that your health is already compromised. Another support system I would imagine is available would be a breast cancer support group. I would be willing to bet that many marriages are rocked by this.
((((((((hugs))))))))
Rose
"stunned and so sad"...I know I felt paralyzed by those feelings when my awareness of what was really happening started to hit. Don't shame yourself-it's very painful to admit that our partners don't love us in a healthy way...get support/counseling...this guy's a loser. He's wrecked havoc on your self esteem. What would you tell your best friend who you loved if she told you this? Get some support...you aren't foolish or stupid, you're scared and a little in shock by it all-that's why you carry that list-to remember. I made a list too so that I wouldn't get too drawn back....You do deserve better-he WILL turn it around on you-that's a tactic to maintain contrtol. Read the Lundy Bancroft book "Why does he do that?" it'll help clarify things for you.
Hugs to you,
Beth
I'm sorry there isn't a magic pill to get you over obsessing about him. You must be so drained and exhausted. Living a lie isn't easy, is it? Keep that list handy.
Do start following some of the ideas about putting away money. Move from a place of power, since you can't move as a team. Know what I mean, bean?
I am going to be the heavy here, so remember that I am only going on what you've written, OK?
Why are you afraid of losing something you're told you never, ever had?
What are you holding onto except a dream that's continually thrown in your face -- so gently and kindly as someone who loves you would. NOT!
Obsession, it is, dearheart. But common in this situation.
C.