Tasting the freedom......
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| Wed, 01-03-2007 - 5:51pm |
Was checking out our bank accounts online and noticed a charge to a hotel on a night he was supposed to be staying at a friend's house. It made me feel strange - but not in a jealous sort of way. In a sense I am hoping it is just one more step out of the door for him. Off to the doctor's I go for testing.....
We have officially separated (on Jan 1st)- he moved to a mutual friend's house. I feel strongly that this is the right thing to do. I have been trying very hard to make it work and I think I finally just gave in. We are on opposite sides of the globe when it comes to what a normal sex life would entail and I am sick of it. I am sick of being talked down to and insulted, I am sick of being afraid of his angry, rage filled outbursts. I am sick of him coming and going as he pleases. I am sick of him refusing to see that I can't stand having sex with him. I am sick of him thinking his wife is supposed to be a whore in bed. I am sick of being treated like a maid and a babysitter who also happens to pull in a sizeable paycheck. I am sick of his cynicism and negativity. I am just plain sick and tired!!! I know deep down that I want out (... well maybe it not so deep down LOL!).
He has finally told his family that we have split as well as a couple of friend's. I am pretty sure he has kept the details to himself though. He has agreed to go to marriage counselling. The thing is after coming to this board I know it is not a good idea. I will continue to go to my own counseller though. He wants us to go to his counsellor - but he hasn't made an appointment yet - surprise surprise. I am not going to push it. The good news is that he has been very calm and rational. I do think he wants out too. I have a feeling he will get a taste of freedom and make a run for it. I know that would be a good thing.
Still have to tell our daughters (4 & 2)... hate having that hanging over my head. Hoping my counsellor will have some good advice on that topic when I see her on Friday.
Rose

YAH!!!! I just wrote a long post that is now "outdated"-Good for you!!!! I am so happy that he's leaving and is calm/rational....You and kids will be fine, more than fine but THRIVE!!!! Go Rose!!!
Beth
p.s. there are some books out there for young kids about divorce...one that I read to my kids was "Dinosaurs Divorce"-
My counselor recommended this book, Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, by Gary Neuman. I've borrowed the book, but only thumbed through, it does mention that in an abusive relationship, you recognize and address that w/ your kids. It does focus a lot on things through a childs eyes. The Sandcastles program is mandatory is some family courts, Florida being one. I'll update you as I read. Bestof luck!
Carrie
PS It seems awful discussing divorce w/ your kids, but it's a relief once you can. Than they can come to you w/ questions they've probably had for awhile.
Definitely check out the book than, cause it goes on to say that pre-school aged children are unable to place the blame on someone else, they'll blame themselves and feel if they've been better behaved they could've prevented this. I just keep telling my 4 and 6 year olds that this is Mama and Papa's problem, we both love them, we'll both see them that it's nothing that anyone else has done. It's Me and Him. They know that it's our job to work this out (although they don't know that lawyers and judges are involved).
My 9 yr old that was in the room, admittedly afraid of what H would do to me, told me tonight that it was my fault he couldn't see H, cause I called the cops. We talked a bit about how he missed H. The poor boy was trying to help him pack tonight, he loves him. I told DS I wasn't trying to keep him from him, than asked if he was afraid of H that night, he said "Yes". I told him he wasn't here cause I was afraid too.
My 3 older girls have little respect for him, which is good and bad. I don't want them to hate him. But he has been abusive in ways they've seen, and I don't want them to repeat my pattern. I would die inside if my boys treated a woman the way H treats me.
Sorry for robbing your post!
Carrie
The girls have never seen H abuse me so i think it is a foriegn concept to them altogether. I can see them blaming themselves for the split (which I will make clear to them that this is indeed mommy and daddy's problem and reinforce how much we both love them and that they will get to spend special time with both of us). They have heard daddy get 'excited' but that was rare (since most of his rage comes from an issue around sex - they have never been around when the proverbial s&$t hit the fan. I think - from their perspective that this is a straight forward separation/divorce.
I will read the book though -I picked it up last night and I can't put it down. The chapter on sex is mindblowing to me!
Thanks again Carrie!
Rose