When to tell the kids about divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
When to tell the kids about divorce
6
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 7:29pm

We filed the divorce papers about 3 months ago. Children (6, 9, 11) have not been told yet. We are all still living in the same house (because of legal wrangling I'm not sure when we will be physically separated). In attempt to give my STBX some alone time with the kids (he has always worked long hours and hasn't had much experience being alone with the children) I absent myself from the home every Sunday.

We split the holidays. I left the house on Thanksgiving, he was supposed to leave on Christmas Eve but refused and then took them away for Christmas day. I took them to my sister's for the New Year.

I believe my oldest suspects something is very wrong but she is quiet and doesn't say or ask any direct questions.

I think it's time to tell the children. My STBX wants to wait until we are about a week or two from physically separating.

What does everyone think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 9:33pm
They already know something's up-tell them....it's horrible for kids to know "something's up" but mot sure what...This'll give them an oppotunity to ask questions. They'll have more trust in you if you begin some conversation-that's my 2 cents worth...
Beth
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 10:45pm

I agree with greenlady, they know something is wrong, be honest with them they will appreciate it. They proberly know alot more than you realize.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 12:38am

Hey so glad to see you! I need to post myself but am kind of just doing things that need to be done now and will have to deal with my feelings soon......

Anyway, about your question. I grew up in an abusive household. When I was six years old I had seen so much, but there was never any type of calm, informative talk about it. I remember getting the crap beat out of me and going into school and the teacher asking me how I got those bruises. I was so sore I could not take off my winter coat by myself, she had to help me. I responded automatically, without hesitation. I said, "I fell down the stairs." By the time I was six no one even had to tell me what to do or how to respond to outsiders, I was already trained.

My point is they must know there are problems. Talk to them so they learn to deal with them the healthy way. I don't think you have to tell them everything, but at least open the door for discussions. I hope this divorce goes through fast for you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 8:25am

It's good to hear from you as well. I hope all is well on your end.

I'm so sorry to hear abut your childhood but hearing your story definitely helps me with this. Thank you.

My first court date is Monday so I'll let everybody know how it went. Right now, my STBX is trying to manipulate me in to paying his moving expenses - my attorney is having none of that. I know he is dead set against telling the children right not claiming that as "responsible parents" we would wait.

My friend suggested that I let him know that I will wait 'till Feb 1 to tell the kids provided he use the time to get his own place (using his own portion of the assets). And if he hasn't found a place by then I will go forward with my plan to tell the kids. I don't know if this idea will work but three more weeks won't make a difference and then I can at least say I've given him every opportunity to do what he needed to do.

Of course he blames me for the delay in proceedings even though we have presented them with three different plans (all rejected by his side). Once a manipulative bully always a manipulative bully. Now I say let the men in the black robes make the decision.

Hugs to all and Happy New Year!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 10:29am

Hi There - I am in the same boat right now. My H moved out this past week to a friend's place. Our children are 4 & 2 but they are used to their dad not being around very much due to work shifts and busy schedules. We figured we could fudge this for a while but 4 yr old has already asked why daddy isn't sleeping at home. Today 2yr old asked the same question.

He didn't want to say anything to them at first but he just called me a few minutes ago saying he thought that we should tell them now. I am wondering if we should tell a wee bit of the truth. That mommy and daddy are having problems so daddy is sleeping at such and such a friend's house. That they will both have lots of time with both of us.

I spoke to my counsellor and she said that we should wait until after 4yr old's b-day (turning 5 next week). She felt that she would always associate her b-day with the split. Problem is my 2yr old turns 3 mid-feb so there really isn't a good time.

Would love some advice too if available. We have to sell our house and it will take a while I think... I hate the idea of ruining their world but I know it has to be done.

As far as your children - if my 4yr old and 2yr old notice something is up - for sure yours do. Even if it is a "this is weird" feeling when mom always heads out on Sunday and we are not together on holidays" sort of thing. I am sure as much as they don't want to hear it - it still will be some relief to be told the truth (or some of the truth).

Best of luck - I will be watching this post with great interest.

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 1:44pm

Hey Rose,

Thanks for the input!

I agree that my kids probably know on some level that there is "trouble in paradise". I guess there is no good time. I initially agreed with the counsllor that we consulted with that it would be best to wait 'till the physical separation was close at hand (he said a week or two away from reality). The reality is that ask enough people and you will get many different opinions on the best way and the best time to do this very nasty job.

I also have issues with an impending birthday (1/25) and I guess that's one more reason to wait. But I'm tired of lying to the kids about my leaving on Sunday's. I want them to understand that it's to prepare them for a time when they will be spending whole weekends with Daddy. But is that a purely selfish reason?

Bottom line, there is no good time though some may be better than others. To me, three more weeks won't make a heck of a big difference and maybe it will be the time he needs to actually find a place and get out.

I'm tortured by this still being in the same house thing though! I've heard of people living together for a year or more after divorce proceedings have begun. How do they do it? I don't feel I can go on with my life under these circumstances and I'm slowly dying.