For Cali..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
For Cali..
1
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 4:11pm
Cali,thank you for replying to my post.

I know when i found this board i lurked for the longest time just reading.I guess a part of me felt like if i finally started posting it would all be real,ya know?The end of my A would really be over.I sat here so many days/nights and just cried and cried as i read everyone's storie's,it broke my heart some of the thing's i read,especially yours.I feel your pain,Cali.The thing's you've posted and the hell he's obviously put you through,it's just heart wrenching to me that you and i (and all the others here too),could love so deeply and completely and it all end up like this.Sometimes i wonder if this is God's punishment to ME for having an A in the first place.I wonder if God is/was thinking.."okay i'll let her go through with this A,have it end when she's deeply in love and then her punishment will be to suffer terribly the rest of her life for this sin"..i know,that might sound kind of far fetched,but who think's rationally all the time when they are hurting?I just don't know,i am trying everyday to help my heart heal and i pray one day it gets better.It's really really hard.But,it HAS helped posting on here the last couple of days.It's like i started and i can't stop.I guess that comes from finally getting some type of support when i need it most.This topic is not up for discussion in my family or even friend's,it's like they can't handle it or either don't want to..so as you can imagine,holding this all in for 4 months has been torture.I thank you all for the support and advice,it's been so helpful!!

And Cali,i will delete him from my messenger...*smile*

I am/have been having computer trouble for a while and i probably won't be back until tomorrow,but i wish you a great and STRONG night!!!Keep smiling and God be with you Cali!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In reply to: solost27
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 12:06am
This board is a great place. And the fact that a total stranger was rading my post and concerned for me is awsome. So just thin how many people are lurking and thinking of you but haven't taken that step yet.

Taking the step was hard. I came here focused on ending the affair and wanting to end my life as welll. So things had hit me pretty darn hard and I just knew it was over. In his mind I knew he was through with me so I said fine I want to end it too and came here with a purpose to end it. Well guess what as real as it was that it was over it really wasn't. He tried to come back and I almost let him. But I was saved. I still felt awful but I didn't let him come back and really ended it. I also fell several times calling, e-mailing going nuts. Even up to two days ago trying to get his new number. I had to stop. So now Day 2 of NC and feeling good I have made it two days. I still feel like crap mind you but good about being able to accomplish this. Espically to stop looking at his wifes boards. I thought that was going to be a part of my life forever and I would never be able to let him go and that was my way of holding on. I know ai m only on day two but I would check that darn board every hour. I was like an alcoholic or gambler with the board.

You are not being punished. Pain and love is a part of life. If you want to think of being pucished we are all being punished cause Adam ate that stupid apple:-)

Cool you deleted him I am going to my cell phone right now and getting rid of XMM number.

Talk to you tomorrow. Hang in there. Next will be to get me to delete all the e-mails ughhhhhhhhh.

Cali~