I need help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
I need help!!
4
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 12:28am

Hi, I posted on another board (All sides of the Affair)

LF

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
In reply to: lovingfool
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 1:49am
LF, I'm the married woman who had something going on with a single OM, so I may not be in exactly the same situation as you are. Still, my H is having an affair with an OW so I do understand how complicated it can be. We don't have all the answers, but I hope you'll find that this board will help by sheer support alone.

"We spend alot of time together, but its still not enough for me, because when he leaves me he goes home to the woman he really loves, even though he tells me he loves me also. How can he do this?"

>>> Oh, he can.

"...how can you not want to be with the person you love?? He says he still loves his wife too, how can that be? Can a person really be inlove with two people??"

>>> I believe one can love two people at the same time. I don't know about being IN LOVE with two people at the same time though. Loving and being in love are quite differnt to me.

I love both my OM and my H. I am selfish. I want to be with them both, but I know I can't, and in the end I chose my husband and am working on our marriage. I miss my OM very much. It's been very painful, but I know things can only get better.

"When we met I was slender and very attractive, and now I'm overweight, unattractive and have no self esteem left at all - not alot to offer is it?"

>>> I've been there and I DO empathise with you .... Read what you said again and focus on the self-esteem bit. I'm not overweight, I get compliments, but I still see myself as unattractive and undesirable, and in my mind there's always too much fat here and too much fat there, etc etc etc. We really need to raise our self-esteem, because that's the ONLY thing we can offer to the rest of the world. Self-confidence is what makes one attractive. Please draw up a timetable for yourself, fill it with things that make you happy, things you enjoy doing, start a new hobby, learn a musical instrument, adopt a dog, read a book and write a book review after researching about the author from the internet, jog every three days.... eat healthily... the list goes on, and you know yourself what items belong on the list. You just have to believe in yourself and believe that these things WILL help raise your self-esteem.

"How can I get rid of this addiction before it kills me??"

>>> No Contact! I know after 10 years, it will be so so hard, but it has to start somewhere, and why not with you? He is obviously not going to start no contact, he has too much of a good thing going on - two women who adore him, which guy would want to stop such a heavenly arrangement?


"Has anyone else been a fool for this long???"

>>> all of us on this board has been 'a fool' for loving someone who was not meant to be ours. But we're human, there is nothing wrong with loving someone. So don't beat yourself up over it.

"When I think of being without him, it just makes me nuts, but being with him is making me even nuttier. What is wrong with me???"

>>> there's nothing wrong with you. I go through the same emotions as you. Just know that with no contact, things get easier (although it may seem to take forever) and there IS light at the end of the tunnel. There are people on this board who have reached rock-bottom but are now happier, healthier people, and they are proof that you too can end this affair.

Best of luck to you and keep posting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
In reply to: lovingfool
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 2:19am
Welcome LF! The magic words in your post that you need to use to gain strength and courage from are.............

He says I knew from the start this could never go anywhere.

May I suggest you read the book "Women who Love TOO Much" by Robin Norwood.

TEN YEARS are a very LONG TIME to waste on a man that's already told you that your relationship will never be more then it already is. It's understandable why your self esteem is shot... you've allowed your self value to deteriorate to the point of non existence.

Please tell this man to go where the sun don't shine because from this day forward, you refuse to allow him to continue using you!

As for why and how HE can do this? It's actually simple...he has the absolute best of both worlds! What amazes me is that since you say you do spend a lot of time together, that his wife hasn't figured him out yet!

Men may not be knocking on your door but if you give yourself a chance to heal from this relationship...something much better has to be around the corner.

Welcome to our board and please don't take my words as harsh...I shoot from the hip and they're written with love and much concern for your well being.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
In reply to: lovingfool
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 9:56am
You'll be OK!

It won't be easy... But I think the other posters here had a lot of great first hand advice for you... It's good stuff. I just wanted to talk a bit about my mom. She's single again at 53. She's never without a man for long. She belongs to a private club not a fancy club by any means, that's where her social life is. It does a lot for her. She is not a model either, but she's happy with her life and that's what attracts people to her (I think) There are other single ladies out there over 50 and having a blast! I'm sure you could hook up and have fun with... It sounds to me like that is the first important step in leaving MM. You need to have your own social group.. that means friends.. Reach out to women. I don't think you'll be able to leave MM without that kind of support. As you said you tried before, but couldn't follow through.

I hope you can find support here.. but you need the real live flesh kind of friends too... so start reaching out!

KATJA

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: lovingfool
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 10:32am
I can totally empathize with your circumstances. I was in an affair with a MM for 12 years that just recently ended. I am 40 married 23 years and he is 57 married 36 years. The first 4-5 years, we would meet once a week, we went on trips several times a year together and talked when we could. Then something changed, our feelings for one another grew, and we fell in love. We spent the last 7-8 years talking several times a day, going to lunch at least 3 times a week, worked out at the same gym, talked on the computer every night, we were taking 3 to 4 days weekends together once a month and meeting at least once a week to be intimate.

Eight weeks ago that all ended when his W hired a PI and the affair was discovered. He went back and forth, telling me he loved me with every part of his being and wanted to be with me. In the end, he chose to stay in his marriage and NC. I too thought my MM would leave his marriage, but he couldn't when all was said and done. What I have learned is most do not leave their W's.

I still love him and I will always love him, but the relationship was not healthy...it is hard when two people have so much love for one another but cannot share it with anyone and it has to be kept a secret. What I realize now, if the MM was going to leave his W because he was not happy being there, he would have left a long time ago. We as the OW fulfill the needs the MM has in order to stay in their marriage. And where he gets those needs met now is none of my concern.

My H does know of the affair and the length of the affair. He also knows I am having a hard time letting go of the MM. He understands and is willing to give me the time it will take to get past the ending of the affair. Rebuilding my marriage is impossible until I let go of what I believed was the relationship I wanted and what the MM said to me, “That me and him would be together and if he ever had to chose, he would chose a life with me.”

Would I continue the affair if he called me today...NO WAY!!! I want the whole package and will not settle for less. I do not regret the affair and have learned a lot about myself.

I can only take one day at a time and I don’t fight the feelings I have for my now XMM. When I try to deny the way I am feeling, I know I am denying myself the chance to heal.

You stated, "I'm beginning to realize, however, that he is never going to leave his wife, and I will always have to share him, and I can't imagine doing that for another 10 years."

Take it from someone who has been there, he has no plans of leaving his wife. And as long as you let him in your life and continue to be his lover, confident, friend, buddy, you will be taking that chance of spending another 10 years like the last 10. That is something you will have to decide whether or not you are willing to continue to have a relationship that is part time and understand that you will never have any control of the circumstances surrounding the MM.

You have the power to control your future and not settle for anything less that a whole relationship from someone who is available to commit to a fulltime relationship.



Hang in there,

Lillsilly