southerngirl4....... How are YOU doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
southerngirl4....... How are YOU doing?
5
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 11:08am
Haven't seen you on the board this week......I hope your week went well and everything is going well for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 11:49am
Hi, Thanks for asking about me. I have been lurking everyday. I just haven't posted anything. I am doing okay. I am trying very hard to put more effort into my marriage. I realized that I have to give it a try and then if it doesn't work out, at least I know that I tried. I figure I owe this to my husband and to myself. I have done a lot of thinking in the last week. I realize that I really do love X-OM( I have always known this anyway), but I have to give my marriage another try and let X-OM get on with his life and dating. I have been married over 20 years, so I should try to give it another chance. My husband never found out about EMA, so that will hopefully make this process of working on my marriage a little easier. As far as X-OM is concerned, things are okay. We still work together and conduct business when we have to. We both seem to conduct ourselves professionally and we both seem to be doing okay with it. X-OM always makes sure that he speaks to me every day and he has his little ways of letting me know that he cares. Nothing big or out of the way. Just little things that he will do to get my attention. I think that this is just his way of being polite and in his mind, keeping me as a friend. He seems to be like all of the other X-OM/X-MM around here and wants to find ways "to keep me in his life". I think this way of thinking helps them deal with the guilt/issues that go with an EMA. I think that X-OM/MM think if they keep us as a "friend", that helps them to justify things a little better. I sense that my X-OM wants things to be back the way they used to be between us before the EMA, when we were just coworkers, but we could manage an occasional conversation or laugh with each other and no feelings were involved. I doubt that we can ever "put things back the way they use to be". We were only intimate twice, but we have had a very strong emotional bond for the last five years. Things cannot go backwards now. I learned that the hard way. My X-OM is single, but he was married when our EMA started. I am just glad that we are on a good level now where we can work together. I know that I will always care for him, but he is single and I have to let him move on and live his life and me live mine. If it were meant to be for me to be with him, then it will/would happen and in the right way. Thanks for caring!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 12:22pm
I have been lurking as well. I just read your post southern, and the similarities are amazing. Except my OP is XMM. And we no longer work together. He ended the A, 6 weeks ago as his wife found out. We did not end on a bitter note. In fact, he too asked if we could be friends. I said I would have to think about it. We have had NC for about 4 weeks. I have been married 21 years and decided to see if my H and I could make the marriage work. Means a lot of changes have to take place on both our parts. I am not sure if I still love my H, however I have to go with the process of MC to find out if we still have something there. If not, then I will make changes in my life. My husband as well, does not know of A. My T has suggested that I need to tell him at some point, or we won't be able to achieve complete intamacy and honesty with each other. I am still on the fence about telling him. I am very curious about your reasons for not telling your H, if you can share them.
Sea
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 1:10pm
Honestly, I don't tell him out of fear. I don't want to hurt him and I don't think that I could handle knowing that I hurt him and all of the other people that it would affect. I also don't know what my husbands reaction would be. I don't know if he would get angry or if he would just get hurt and work through it. I would rather suffer the emotional turmoil myself than to jeopardize the situation. Believe me, the emotional turmoil that I have been through is plenty of punishment for having the EMA. Thanks for asking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 5:18pm
Thank you for your answers. They are my reasons as well. <<>> Your statement resonates with me- I know that I did not make the wisest decision in my life by having an A. I made a mistake and I just can't see having my H, my DD and other family memebers suffer the fall out from my actions. It is hard enough knowing that wife of xmm is in pain from what we did.

The emotional turmoil that you mentioned in your other post, is that guilt? And finally one last question, in your earlier post, your last statement about if it was meant to be, it will, is that statement related to the outcome of trying to make your M work?

I am in awe that you and OM have made it work in the professional setting. That takes a lot of strength. I hope you are able to continue to be strong.

Sea

Sea
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 4:34pm
I am just now getting on the computer from yesterday. Sorry that I am just now getting back to you. I'll try and answer your questions. The emotional turmoil that I have felt is partly guilt and the rest of it is pain from not being able to have a life with OM. I know that I could leave my marriage and try to pursue a relationship with OM, but I don't know if I could go through the agony knowing that my family would suffer from this, plus my family would make my life with OM a living hell because OM is of a different race than me. See, I have been married for over 20 years, have kids, and my parents and family love my husband(they think that he hung the moon). We married at 18, so he has been part of the family for all of my adult life. My family is also very racial and my OM is black and I am white. We live in the south. If I left my husband for a black man, my family would cause him and me to go through pure hell, plus my dad would disown me. I'm not exaggerating either. It would be bad! I'm also afraid that someone in my family might try to harm OM because of his race. I was molested as a child by a black man, so that adds another reason that my parents are racial. My OM knows all of this about my family. I think that he is very afraid of what my family would put us through if we ever tried to be in a permanent relationship. I think that he is probably more afraid of my family than I am. OM has been married and divorced twice and both times his wives left him for other men. He has been through some very rough marriages. I'm not saying that he doesn't have faults, he does, but I do know that he tried to make the marriages work and they still failed. I have worked with OM for 8 years and we have been good friends most of those years. I watched him all of that time when he was going through his second marriage and it was failing. His wife had boyfriends coming over and calling her at home and OM all the time put up with her and doted on her children. His wife was emotionally abusive. She would make up things about OM and call the cops on him for no reason. I have seen the agony and pain that he went through to try and make the marriage work. I have seen the time and love that he put into raising HER kids, kids that weren't his. Then she just up and left him and took the kids with her. He was in so much pain after that. That was the second time that he had been through that with a wife. I can definitely understand his hesitation to be in a relationship with me, especially after all of that and then knowing how my family is. My statement that I made about if it is meant to be, it will be, I just meant that I am letting God handle the situation and whatever God leads me to is where I will be. If God intended for me to be with OM on a permanent basis, then God would work that out for us. I think for the time being I need to concentrate on my marriage and let God help me through it. Then if it still fails, then at least I know that I tried. Yes, OM and I somehow remain strong to be able to work together. I think that God has a hand in that too. I have had to turn to God and my faith in HIM to be able to survive through this. I have prayed a lot about it. I think that I would really miss OM if I didn't see him everyday. I am glad that we work together. It is painful sometimes, but I just always pray. My faith in God is very strong. I am by no means a saint, but I do know that when things have been hardest in my life, I have always believed that God would get me through and HE always has. I love OM very, very much and it is very painful at times. Those are the times when I pray the most. I always end up with a sense of peace about things. I hope this has helped you some. I am glad to post anytime I can help someone!