Can't believe I did what I did!
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Can't believe I did what I did!
| Fri, 12-12-2003 - 12:23pm |
I am here again! But this time I am really really going to try and stay here. I had an emotional A for about 6mths then last week it turned very physical..it was very good :-)
But now I am completely disgusted with myself. I can't believe that I jeopordized my life with my wonderful H for that 20mins. I have been controlled by this A for too long now. I have ignored my kids, lost interest in my H, lost touch with real friends, all just so I could feel wanted by another man. This man was good at making me feel wanted at the beginning, but I did know all along it was about the sex. So now I am embarassed that I became another one of his conquests, one more point for hime, arghh. See we were really good friends and he told me about all his adventures, then he turned to me...I saw it coming yet I still refused to duck and got smacked in the face. So now I sit here today with crap all over my face and he's gone about his merry way enjoying his wonderful single life.
But now I am completely disgusted with myself. I can't believe that I jeopordized my life with my wonderful H for that 20mins. I have been controlled by this A for too long now. I have ignored my kids, lost interest in my H, lost touch with real friends, all just so I could feel wanted by another man. This man was good at making me feel wanted at the beginning, but I did know all along it was about the sex. So now I am embarassed that I became another one of his conquests, one more point for hime, arghh. See we were really good friends and he told me about all his adventures, then he turned to me...I saw it coming yet I still refused to duck and got smacked in the face. So now I sit here today with crap all over my face and he's gone about his merry way enjoying his wonderful single life.
Don't get me wrong, he didn't do anything terrible, he just played the game better. I lost. He still contacts me, but it is just to talk dirty or to plan to meet. I can't believe I would hurt my H like I have. I haven't told him nor do I plan on telling him, but every night before we goto bed I silently say in my head sorry to him. I feel like his soul knows, I am soooo sad for this.
Will I get over it, will I be able to move past it? Can this make my marriage stronger now that I realize what I got and what I could lose? I just want it all to go away!
Happy

As for your H, I started looking at mine in a different light. All of the things that were so annoying to me I am now accepting. I transferred all of the energy I was putting in the A into my marriage and it has really improved. One thing that I thought was very helpful was reading the book, His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. It has so much good information in it. I'm not a huge advocate of self-help books, but I wish I had read this one about 8 months ago and I wouldn't be in the mess. My A was mostly emotional with very little physical contact (kissing is about it).
Best of luck to you. If you can, strive for no contact what so ever. You will hear that over and over on this board. XMM and I work together so I can't do that, but I have very limited contact and that does help.
Hope this helps a little. Have a great day.