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| Sat, 12-13-2003 - 8:57am |
Keep thinking about yesterday when I asked him what satisfaction or whatever he calls it, he gets out of knowing I love him. He said it brings him some peace knowing I love him. Well it brings me no peace. I am going crazy. Says this is very hard for him too.
Before leaving work and signing off my buddy list, I told him to have a good weekend, and I love him, and to miss me. I left him a card.
Wonder what he thought? Wonder if he is thinking about me. Do I sound totally crazy. I know I do. I cant help it. One minute I think, ok you need to get over him, and whatever decision he makes you will deal with it, but move on, and see what happens. The next I am consumed with wanting him to leave and be with me. I dont know how to move on, every thought is of him, and seeing him at work is so hard.
Is it even possible that he would leave all of that for me, I know the answer.
Sorry for rambling, just needed to vent.

Would it be easier, I wonder, to think that he doesn't love you?
I think about that in my own situation. And the fact is, I do take comfort in the fact that we started out as great friends. I do take comfort in the fact that we are excellent business partners. And so while I am mourning the loss of the "more" we could have had, I know I have to get through this to preserve the friendship and the business relationship.
I wonder, Pax, if you can do the same. I mean, I don't know how your EMA started, but if it started with a basis of friendship, is there a way you can take comfort in that? Your MM didn't end things with you because of you... in fact, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the life he had BEFORE you. He has made it clear that he still loves you. But loving you, and then looking at an entire life he spent years building before knowing you... well, those are two different things.
The thing is, if my EMA were ending because MM *didn't* want me, then I would probably want to crawl into a cave and into NC mode. But because I know we both have such strong feelings for each other, because I know that we agreed from day one that our Ms and our work *has* to come first, I also know that I can still get a lot of happiness from being his friend. There was a time when that was enough for me. It will not be the same, going back to just that, but it will still be a part of my life that makes me happy.
If your EMA was based on attraction and romance from the start, I don't know if you can go to a place where you are "just friends" because that foundation isn't there. You might have to think about pulling back even more, as much as you can, given that you work together, and not let your interactions be anything BUT work related. That's the closest to NC you can get. But if you spent time as friends first, do you remember what it was like just to hang out? Just to relax and be together with no pressure? I can understand, though, if it's simply not enough for you to go back to that place. But it is an option.
I am not fooling myself that this is easy. For me or for you. I cry as I write this. But I know logically some things have to be let go of, so that's what I have to learn how to do.
Today, I distract myself with my kids. It's my son's birthday. We opened presents this morning and are going out to his favorite restaurant for lunch. I am still thinking of MM, but being distracted by my own life is helping put a little distance between me and the pain. Find something, Pax, that can absorb you. At least a little bit. I think only time and space can offer some perspective and maybe some consolation.
The more I *think* about MM, the more I dwell on what happened and the what ifs, the more I start to cry and feel bad. So for my own sake and my kids, I have to pull out of that mode and start looking around at the life I have around me.
We can do this, Pax. I'm around today and over the weekend. Keep venting. It does help.
Anna
Part of me takes comfort in knowing we were friends first. That is how this all started, the more we got to know each other, the more we both saw how we just had this connection. Part of me wants to maintain a friendship, but how do you go back to that place. When I want so much more, and I dont see me just falling out of love with him. It is akward now with him. He does those silly little pushing games, and things like that, why does he do this. Is it because he wants to be friends, or is it more. He certainly does not do these things with other co-workers. I guess the reality is I will have to settle for "just freinds", I have no other choice.
My mind goes back and forth, wondering what he is thinking. Is he trying to fight what feelings he has for me, or has he already realized they were not as strong as he thought? I wish he would tell me something, he just goes about daily business as things are fine.
Your right, everything he has built with her, the children, the time spent, although he may not have that magical love, he is comfortable, and the thought of disappointing everyone and hurting her, is more then he can take. If he can push what feelings he had for me, and how happy he was, then he can get back into that life. I am sure it would be much easier if we had not contact. It would be easier to just focus on what he has at home. But seeing me everyday, how can he forget. He is not being totally honest at home, she has not idea we work together. But whatever the reasons for him staying it really does not matter, if it is just for the children, that is the decision he makes, and if he wants to live the rest of his life, with no passion, and just comfortable, there is nothing I can do.
Ohhhh---If only it would work for me.
Ok, here's what I know. I don't know if it will help you or not, but here goes.
MM wants to maintain our friendship, our comfort at sharing intimate information with each other. He still jokes and flirts like he always did. Your MM is doing the same. Trying to get some comfort, and maybe even an ego stroke, out of the fact that you two DO share a more intimate connection. But if it's going to constantly keep you guessing and wondering, if it's too much contact for you -- especially now, so soon after the EMA is over -- then I think you need to tell him that.
I told MM I could and would handle it. And that I will not assume that ANY flirting or teasing or whatever is a signal that he wants to try this again. He will have to be very blunt and forthright and TELL me if he's interested in venturing there again. Otherwise, I assume that we are friends, as usual. But, knowing that, and seeing as how he ended things just yesterday and I am hurting, I am staying away from him for a while. Fortunately, I have no plans with him for the next week, I am at a two-day conference which will keep me away for part of the week, and next weekend I leave town for a week. So I will be getting some much needed space from him so that I *can* get my perspective back and gain some balance.
Don't get me wrong. Every 2.5 minutes I think about calling him. I think about telling him what I'm feeling right now and how angry and hurt I am, how I know we can still make this work if he would just give us some time, etc. But if I say all that now, what do I accomplish? Probably not much, except to open myself up to the hurt all over again.
Frankly, if I *do* see him this week, I will probably go ahead and tell him all I'm feeling and thinking. Given the opportunity, I *will* take it. But I will not go seeking or setting up the opportunity. I can't do that to myself.
At this point, Pax, what are your boundaries for being able to go forward? If you can't handle him being silly and flirtatious, tell him. Tell him, or tell your coworker to tell him to give you some space. It's all fine and dandy when it's THEIR decision to end things. But they have to respect the time and space we need to be angry, to be sad, and to adjust. Right now he's not giving you that, but you haven't told him what you need. And you're still mourning, so you probably haven't thought about it either.
It's out of your control. What do you need, from him and from you, to move on?
Talking to you is helping me gain perspective, too, Pax. I hope you keep talking this out.
Take a long hot shower, get dressed, put on some makeup and nice clothes and go Xmas shopping or something. Lose yourself in some activity for a while. I'm taking my son out to lunch, but I will be back this afternoon.
Anna
i have been thinking the same thing about the flirting stuff. I was telling a co-worker about it, she says maybe he wants to maintain that contact, but it is sending me mixed messages. I think about telling him to stop doing that, but then the other part does not want to lose what little I have left of him.
At this point, I cant continue like this. I know he said he needs time, he can have that time, and he has only been back home 12 days. I just need something from him, he needs to tell me if he thinks he loves me, or he thinks it was just the excitement of it all. I need to get it in my head, straight from him that it is over.
See, I understand your confusion and how hard it is to let go. MM tells me he HAS to let me go because he cares too much, he thinks about me too much, etc... Well, great. He has all the feeling and passion and desire for me that I have ever wanted, and now he can't give it because it interferes with other parts of his life. So every other hour I want to play on that, and push him into more of a R with me, and then I have to step back and think, No, if he can't be here with me of his own free choice, why on earth would I want him to resent me later because he felt like I took advantage of his feelings?
Your MM still cares for you and you for him and you both know that. You know it would not be so difficult for either of you if you had just been a 'passing' fancy or something. You don't need to ask him that to know that. But his decision to go back there is one you can't change. So you have to decide what you're going to do with yourself, now that he's there.
I have to work tomorrow and there's a good chance I will see MM. Part of me wants to look great, be happy and move merrily on my way. The other part of me wants to yell at him and tell him what a sh** he's been for playing me like a yo-yo... so despite all my logical advice, know that I'm right there with you and struggling to listen even to myself!
Anna
and he did make the choice to go back, now that he has done that, i dont know how to get past it. how to move on. how to forget. i need to sto thinking about us together, them together, what he is doing, if he is thinking about me.
How do i do that. I dont know how
Tried to take a nap awhile ago, just to forget, but could not sleep, all thoughts are of him. I am just sick
But I wish I knew a way to focus on something else. Can you lose yourself in a movie or a book? Even for an hour, I bet it would help. Do you paint, play an instrument, exercise... anything that requires at least a little bit of concentration? Or write. Write out everything you're feeling and thinking until you can't feel or think anymore. I do that. And at some point, I get sick of repeating myself and I start to get a little numb to it.
I may not be much help here... I am struggling with it myself. How to stay distracted, how to not feel everything quite so strongly or closely so that I can let it go. It's awful. But keep trying. Eventually, it will ease.
Don't forget. You won't, anyway. But I would say, try not to spend so much time remembering, either. Unless the memories offer you some consolation that help make it easier, find a way to focus your mind elsewhere. Easier said than done. God, I know it.
Anna