Wanting to contact him....
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| Sat, 12-13-2003 - 6:56pm |
The past couple of days have been difficult for me, and I know the reason why is largely my own fault. I have been re-reading xMM's old E-mails, with the purpose of printing out and saving some special ones and deleting the rest (with a long-term goal of closing out my "secret" E-mail account). Well, reading through his old "love letters" has stirred up so many emotions in me! The one that especially got to me was one he wrote last Christmas Eve, in which he said he "loved me more than life itself." I was in tears after reading that, wondering how things could have changed so much for us in one year. I now find myself with this incredibly strong urge to contact him (we have been NC since late October). Our last conversation ended so badly.....I find myself wanting to call or E-mail and wish him a Merry Christmas....I want to find out if he has found a new job yet. I also have this crazy urge to tell him I will always love him. Is anyone else having these kinds of thoughts/feelings with the holidays approaching?? I am becoming all sentimental for some reason. It's so much easier being angry! Thanks in advance for your thoughts and smart advice....

I see my mm everyday, we work together, so the nc thing is impossible. I to want to call and tell him how much I love him. I feel alone and depressed, and cant blame anyone but myself.
Im not much help, but I know how you are feeling, keep posting, we are here for you.
the holidays are bound to stir up emotions and make you feel a bit mushy. I put up my tree today and found ornaments that XOM gave me 2 years ago. One of them is a velvet pillow that has the word LOVE embroidered on it. I still hung it because I like the ornament, not because of any feelings for XOM right now....In fact I sort of laughed to myself and thought "yeah, if it were really love then why did it wind up this way"....
You need to remember why you initiated NC..why you worked so hard at it. Dont go back to having to start at day one again MP...
that is just my opinion....You should look at this Christmas as one that you can be really proud of yourself for sticking to NC....think of 2004 as a new beginning.....
good luck.
Jazzdiva
You are right.....it sounds like our circumstances are very different, but the feelings of hurt and loss are the same. How easy it would be just to pick up that phone and call him.....but I guess we both know that's not going to get us anywhere. Hang in there, and I will try to do the same...... (=
I have to say, I think you are *so strong* for not responding to his message, especially given the state you were in. Honestly, if I saw my xMM's number on Caller ID, I don't think I would be strong enough to not answer. I am trying hard to resist the temptation to call or E-mail him. I know it would probably only bring me more heartache.
Thanks for responding, and for being an inspiration to all of us!
Do you truly believe that telling him you'll always love him or sending him a friendly Merry Christmas will CHANGE anything? Personally, I doubt it and if you agree, WHY put yourself through MORE pain?
Stay strong! The Christmas season will pass...so will New Year's...Valentine's Day...his birthday and every other holiday in between! And soon you'll realize it's been an entire year...you're okay because you've moved on with your life.
Stay determined and keep the NC! And keep reminding yourself that if he wants you, he knows where to find you :)
I applaud your strength since October and encourage you to keep it up. Don't make contact. Don't set yourself back. Don't give in to the temptation. He is not worth it.
I only hope to be where you are someday soon. I don't have the anger, just a sad sense of loss for something that I could not have ever had to begin with.
Stay strong....
Sorry you are feeling sad right now. Yes holidays are tough espically if there was something that you and that other person shared. My XMM told me last year when I asked him what he wanted for X-mas he said "I want our first X-mas together". Well this would have been it cause he didn't move in with me until after X-mas last year. He didn't want to leave his wife on X-mas but he left 2 days after. Now he is back with her and I am sad.
Reading the e-mails well all I can say is not a good idea. And printing them out to save them not a good idea either. This is my two cents you can take it or leave it. I too still have 400 e-mails on my work computer and about another 500 on my home computer. I also have soe I printed out wanting to save like you and put them with the cards and letters I have from him. BUT and this is a big BUT I have not looked at the e-mails or cards. I know that it would stir up all kinds of feelings and would not help in my healing process. So what you need to figure out is if you want constant reminders of this situation in you life? And if you don't and want to move on I suggest not reading the e-mails and printing them. Just get rid of them all together.
Now I know it is hard. I can't delete them yet either but I will. But I know I am not going to reread them cause it would cause me undo pain that I don't need.
You are moving forward. Keep it up and don't take steps backwards.
Cali~
It sounds like you are being totally strong right now! Don't worry about the NC....you will get there. I know what you mean about the sad sense of loss. I guess we just have to believe that whatever is meant to be, will be.
Thanks for responding. (=
It sounds like you have been doing great with NC lately -- keep it up girl! Hope you are enjoying your mom's visit. Stay strong, and I will try to do the same!!