NC just over holidays??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
NC just over holidays??
4
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 12:00pm
I am very much in love with MM...I am single. We used to work together but I quit because rumours were causing problems and he was up for big promotion. I also thought leaving would help me as well. So he just got his promotion and he makes even more time for me then ever. BUT the holidays and all the parties and dinners and plans kept reminding me that I am 2ND PLACE....she gets to go to functions and wake up with him on Christmas. If he REALLY loves me then we should be together....but there are kids (A stepson and a 1 year old). If he left he would have no rights to stepson that he's raised for 8 years.

SO I told him yesterday I wanted a break...atleast through the holidays. No calls, no lunches, visits...NOTHING. He said he understood. So it's day 2....of nothing. For the last 1 1/2 years we have seen each other every day somehow..even if only for a hug at a gas station...and we talk atleast 3-5 times EVERY day. But I'm not all that upset...almost relieved. I feel guilty about that. I HONESTLY, truly love this man and believe he's the love of my life---so why aren't I upset?

I am so confused...if it's easy to get through the next 3 weeks with NC...then should I make it forever?



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 1:24pm
Welcome to the island of the misfit toys... I don't know if your familar with that from Roudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. We are all out there on the island with the other misfits.. I say misfits.. What I mean are the folks.. who have ended the affair. It's hard for me to relate to you, because you are still so in love with MM and still in the affair.

I think you said some key things that indicate that you want to end it. You don't want to be second.. etc. I think I'm a little in awe that you quit your job for his sake. I hope you found something better. I think if your feeling great about your new freedom from this affair then wonderful. Press on.. be single. Stop seeing him.

I think we've all learned on the board that ending the affair sooner then later is for the best. I just hope that you do..for your own sanity. BUT, you have to do what feels right to you.

GOOD LUCK

Katja

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 2:16pm
Hey Livin, your situation is similar to mine. I am a divorced mother of 2 however. I've been involved with my MM for over 2 years. We have grown in this relationship to a point where we are very much in love with eachother and now he is divorcing his wife. He isn't leaving until after the holidays though and it's hard for me to go through this time knowing that he is still sharing space with his W (he also has 2 kids). I know that he loves me with all his heart, that he is divorcing her, and will move out very soon. I have no doubt about that. We have and do connect with eachother on so many different levels, he has shown me in many ways that I can trust him and believe in him. Despite this, the fact is that this is a gray area of time that I am living right now and will be glad when it's over.

For these 2 years I was willing to accept being second, and I was willing to accept the little bits and pieces that he gave me. I finally realized that I am worth much more and am not willing to accept this type of relationship anymore. That I deserve to be number ONE, and won't settle for less. We had grown so close that it became completely senseless to me to stay with him when there was no way to take it to the next level. Our relationship changed when I came to this point. Changed because he also realized that he needed to make a decision. To get off the fence and either stay with his wife 100% and try (again) to make it work, or leave.

I am telling you this because I empathize with you, can understand how you feel. You need to ask yourself something.....Why would YOU be willing to accept second best and settle for less. Aren't you worth more????

Do yourself a favor and continue this no contact. Find a single man who will give you what you deserve. There is no true happiness with a man that has the mentatlity of having his cake and eating it too. You will find yourself feeling this way many times, it will eat at you.

I believe that you are relieved because you probably know in your heart that you are doing the right thing. I also believe that you should not talk to him until or unless he decides to divorce. So, yes in my opinion you should make it "forever".

Good luck

~Love

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 11:58am
Well, the NC lasted 3 days. We were both miserable so we met for dinner to talk. He says he loves me--doesn't love his wife like that--can't imagine or stomach us not being together, but that he gets the same feeling if he imagines not being with his sons.

On the 3rd day of us not talking he said he was so nasty and mean to his wife because he was miserable and had scorching headache over our dilema...says she kept nagging and he said he snapped and threatened her physically. I can't stress enough that he's NOT a violent person but he says he can't stand her. She told him she wasn't happy and he wasn't happy and that he should move out. When he confronted her next day about leaving she said she wasn't serious. Now she's being nice--cooking things, but he says it's all a little to late for her to be nice. He says after awhile things will go back to normal and they'll be miserable again. He says the closer we become the more he knows he married too young and the wrong one.

I hat this situation....I am 33 and I would never even LOOK at a guy with a girlfriend let alone a 10 year marriage and 2 sons...but I LOVE him and he loves me.

I have to deal with the fact I can't end this yet..I love him and everyone around his marriage that's even friends with her says their marriage is doomed.

I wish I could go back to the day we met and I would've turned a different corner I sware.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 2:29pm
do you really swear that livin? Because it sounds to me like you could turn that corner now and you do not want to. You want to hang on because his marriage is "doomed". Well how long before he actually leaves her? It can take months, maybe a year....maybe longer. Are you willing to live like this for that long? If so then do it. It may work out in your favor. If not then start NC and stick to it. If he leaves her then he can come to you. If their marriage is surely in doom then why should you feel insecure about doing that? He'll come to you ready to start a life with you. It is that simple. NC just over the holidays is ridiculous, you'll be right back where you started.

Jazzdiva