Back from trip

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Back from trip
34
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 9:58am
Hello all. Sorry that I have been out of touch. I was out of town. The anniversary trip went okay. Not great, but tolerable. We just don't know what to do without our daughter. She makes for the fun times. As we were driving to the airport my W commented on how nice it was. She has done that before when I thought the trip was a disaster. I don't understand. Does she not see the tension and the problems? I thought that it was just me until a completely objective outside party commented on how much we bicker back and forth at each other. My W just does not have the same sense of humor that I have. She does not take things well that are said in jest. I think that I have been trying to rationalize that me and OW bickered a lot at the end also. However, that was due mostly to my fence sitting. I miss the easy way that OW and I were together. Yes, there were no bills, everyday problems, etc. We just had an ease with each other. She found the same things funny that I did, she did not mind when things did not turn out the way we planned. The best thing about her was that she could laugh at herself and at less than favorable situations. If the Christmas tree fell off the roof of the car (as it did) she would become silent for a moment and then should would bust out laughing. My W just can't do that. Things like that just send her over the edge. She immediately blames me. She always apologizes later, but the damage is already done.

I guess this is why I am doing what I am doing. I need answers. I cannot break NC, though I am so tempted. I just can't. Every time that I have taken a trip alone with W, in the past, I have come running back to OW. Maybe it is just a habit that is tempting me.

Jon

P.S. Bird, I will respond in detail to your last post later on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 10:49am
Jon, sorry to hear your annv trip didn't bring about all the changes you were hoping for but ya' know, Rome wasn't built in a day or a weekend.

From what you've posted about your W and OW, the difference in your relationships with these 2 women is quite simple.......You HAVE an all level 'connection' with OW that unfortunately, you've never had with your W. IMO, it's not something that is created or built, it's either there or it's not.

How much time are you giving yourself and your marriage? I pray it's not till your daughter is 18.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 11:41am
I usually just lurk, but your post caught my eye and I had to respond...You wrote:

"You HAVE an all level 'connection' with OW that unfortunately, you've never had with your W. IMO, it's not something that is created or built, it's either there or it's not."

Are you kidding? Of course it's created and then built upon; how do you think relationships form? You share of yourself with someone who does it in return; you build a trusting relationship that solidifies into a lasting bond. It just doesn't happen, it takes time, patience, cultivating and most importantly...effort.

You are very much correct...Rome wasn't built in a day and you can't just go away for a weekend and everything will be okay; it takes time. Going into trying to repair a marriage with the idea of comparing and contrasting between your spouse and lover is only setting oneself up for failure. You can't compare reality with a fantasy because reality, the marriage will always loose to the fantasy of an affair.

Callistus

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 11:52am
I have been trying for 13 years. I actually do agree with Caring4me, it is either there or it is not. You have to have the foundation to build upon in the first place. As many on this board have said, "A square peg does not fit into a round hole". I am not ready to throw in the towel yet, but I will never ever have the same connection with W that I had with OW.

Jon

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 12:06pm
With all due respect to you........ I applaud your NC with your OW. However, with your attitude I don't see how the "rebuilding" will ever work with your W. You will always compare, always see the relationship with OW as better, always long for her, and will probably go back to her at some point. It doesn't sound like you are willing or able to give your W the 100% that she deserves. By saying that you "will never have the same connection with W as you do with OW" you are ensuring that you NEVER will. Can you live with that?

~Love

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 2:17pm
Callistus, sorry you disagree with me. Are you married? A betrayed wife by chance? Yes, I do agree with you that relationships are created and then built upon however, the plain truth is that two people either have that 'connection' / 'spark' brought on by the other or we simply don't have it. NO in no way shape or form can it be created down the road of any relationship or marriage regardless how much time or patience is devoted.....that's called being content and there is a big difference between contentment and connection!

What the poster Jon is talking about in his post is having THIS connection with the OW what he's accepting is CONTENTMENT with his wife....it's that simple.

Btw, from reading Jon's previous posts, I know he didn't expect his ENTIRE marriage to change during the term of ONE weekend or one trip, I do believe he thought he would see some SPARK and obviously he didn't....IMO And from Jon's NO CONTACT with the OW, IMO, he's NOT allowing the fantasy of the affair to win as you're suggesting!

Anyway, welcome to the board and if you're a betrayed spouse, I'm sorry. I hope you find peace and happiness on life's journey.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 3:44pm
Thanks. You just answered my post to Love for me. I believe as you do. I don't believe that you should have to spend so much time "trying" to have that connection with someone. You are right, I am settling for contentment right now. I believe that there are couples that once had that connection and feel that they have lost it because of problems in the relationship. I believe that those couples SHOULD try to get it back. I am referring to a connection that I did not know existed until I met OW. You can't force it.

In fact, sometimes I think that I will never find peace in my M until I stop trying to force that and just accept the M as it is.

Jon

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 4:02pm
Thanks Jon and to me, it sounds like you KNOW exactly what you need to do.....

***In fact, sometimes I think that I will never find peace in my M until I stop trying to force that and just accept the M as it is***

I will tell you that contentment is not the happiest of ways to live life but it can be done. We don't always get everything we want and desire in this life but we can make ourselves happy by accepting what we do have and making the best of it.

Or of course, we can choose to change our situation and the people in our life. I command you for trying and working on making your marriage better. I just hope you'll know and accept the fact that IF and/or when the day comes that you realize that contentment is no longer enough.....you will have the courage to do something about it for YOU!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 4:13pm
Odd, you thought I'm a betrayed spouse...I'm not; if I was I would not post here.

A connection in a relationship and a spark (how melodramatic)are two different things. Sparks may fly between two people, but in order for them to move forward with a relationship they need to get to know each other; connect on an emotionally intimate level. Sparks fly between people all of the time; it's what you do when it happens is the important thing. My xMW made my heart go pitter patter but we were in no way connected until we started to talk and share. Only then did we develop a relationship, it was not automatically there.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 5:00pm
I am a lurker. Does your wife know you had an Affair? Does your wife know you are in no contact with your OW? If she does not know then yes, she is clueless that your marriage is in deep trouble or has been in deep trouble. You see she thinks everything is fine. Your wife may really have had a great time on your vacation. You have to be open with her.

It is not fair to you, your wife or your daughter to stay in a marriage if you are not sure what you want. How would you like it if your wife was only staying with you to do the "right thing" but she really could not tolerate being with you?

Doing the right thing is the not always the way to go. I believe if you continue in your marriage as you are doing now you will hold resentment and negative feelings about your wife inside it will eventually come out. You will argue and bicker even more because so many things about her will annoy you. Is that good for your daughter?

Why would you give up your OW if she gives you so much joy? Why would you chose to accept staying in a dead relationship over then the one you had with your OW? How fair is it that your wife is living with someone who really does not have "those" feelings for her? Doesn't she also deserve to be with someone who she can connect with? Someone who will give her the love that you cant?

Perhaps you can not leave because you do still love your wife and realize there is still something there. You really have to go to the core of the problems in your marriage and fix what has broken. You can not just expect things to get better if the both of you do not make changes and work at making it better.

Speak with a counselor, perhaps go to a marriage counselor together. A relationship can never work if there is no honesty. You may feel better telling your wife what you are feeling about her and going for help so that you can both be happy. You may want to lay it all on the line. You may lose your wife or you may end up becoming a stronger couple and falling in love again.

Be fair to yourself...you deserve to be happy. Make yourself happy for your daughter...that is the best gift you can give her.

Life is too short....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 5:02pm
You still do not seem to understand what we are trying to say. Sparks are not necessarily melodramatic. I never had those sparks with my W. That is all that I am trying to say. When I did experience the sparks, the thing that I knew first and foremost was that I definitely had not had that experience with my W. I wanted that experience with my partner, still do.

Jon

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