Help - MM Just Called
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| Tue, 12-16-2003 - 1:03pm |
Background: Been having emotional A with client for over 1 1/2 years (live 2 hours apart). Both decided it was time to move forward to physical - but were both very concerned about friendship. I'm (or was) very involved in my church, so about 3 mos. ago, I told him we had to stop and only be friends (lasted about 2 wks).
I KNOW that the right thing for me to do is end my A, but I feel things for him I have never felt before. I have been married for 12 1/2 years and feel like my H is my brother. Don't get me wrong though, he is wonderful - that's what I don't get. He has absolutely NO idea that anything is going on - although he knows that MM and I are great friends and talk many times everyday (even at home). I have always looked at people who are in A's as "trash" and here I am. I'm not trash; I don't know what's happened to me.
I will be seeing MM with H this week (did I forget to mention MM is one of H's doctor, too?) and I've told MM after that we can't see each other again. H has no idea that A is happening. MM says he can't let it go and I honestly don't know if I want it to. I love the way I feel when I talk to him, see him and really want to be with him.
HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry for rambling. I just feel crazy after talking to him.

Hello and welcome...if you've been lurking for a while, then I think you will be able to understand my post:
My two cents on your situation is that most likely you need some time away from MM to sort out what is going on in your omarriage with direct conversation with your H. If you're feeling like H is a brother, then I think you've got some real talking ahead of you. With MM in the mix your conversations with H become triangulated and resistant to resolution of your issues with H. And there ARE issues, because you've used them to justify looking outside your marriage for relief.
Me, I did it too. For 17 years. Not a pleasant way to live and as you've already learned, very stressful. By all means, DO NOT confess your affair to H at this point in time. I suggest you focus on what's not working in your marriage and explore with H the possible solutions, perhaps somehow changing doctors if need be.
Another suggestion for you is to tell MM that you need time to work on the real reasons of your affair and at this point in time you recognize that you want a full 100% time relationship with someone, not just a piece on the side to ease the boredom and pain. If MM "reall" can't let go as he's leading you to believe, remind him that he's not 100% available either and that's what you want: a FULL relationship, not fantasy relief.
Good luck in holding to your resolve to suspend or end your affair. The first days will be rough, however please remember it is a withdrawl phase from your addiction and it will pass. Focus on yourself and what brought you to this place in the first place and I think you'll be successful.
Besides, living a lie still eats you up from the inside out and I don't think you want to live this way any longer.
jmhoo,
cl-nre
a year later being crushed daily by the hurt of losing him, and I mean crushed. I am as miserable today as I was elated at the beginning of the A. It all happens so quickly that it seems uncontrollable, but you and me both know it is.
Now I am back to facing the M I am not happy in, and like nre said, those problems haven't changed and still need to be worked on. But I don't have the energy right now.
You and I sound alike. The long term M I have had is "comfortable". I love my H as a brother or a friend, and the dad of our kids, but am not in love with him and NEVER feel romantic with him. So I guess my A was just a "fantasy relief" but that was what I felt I needed. Now I'm left with the hurt and confusion.
Also, my H and I are both churchgoers, he is deeply religious and I never thought in a million yrs I would do this. It can happen to anyone!
I don't know if this helped but good luck and post again,
careful