new to this

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
new to this
4
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 10:18pm
Hi, newbie here...I am a bit lost, married for over 10 years, been having an A w/a MM at work for about 7 months, been trying to end it for the last 4 of them. The thing is, I don't want to end it sometimes. Then other times I feel like I can't get away fast enough. We see each other every day and every day there is such heavy sexual tension between us. He ended it first, and I think it's the right thing to do, but he's like chocolate or something. I know it's bad, but I want it just the same. I'm not very attracted to my husband, thought my body had pretty much gotten 'old' (I'm 36) but as it seems to be the case, things are amazing w/the MM. I'm glad I found this forum. I would like to turn off my feelings for this person, to be the mature, responsible wife and mom I'm supposed to be, put them first like they deserve to be. How do you get there? Is NC even possible when you don't want it to be the case? I'm amazed at how one day is one way and the next day is the other way as far as how I feel and what I want.

yikes. Is there a step by step way to do this? What is so new and uncertain for me sure seems like there are a TON of people in my boat with me...glad you are here.

tell me there's hope and someday will be normal for me again, that I can go an hour w/out thinking about him and what I wish we were doing (sorry, that sounds bad, but it's where I'm at right now).

help?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
In reply to: g2ba
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 10:49pm
Welcome to the club g2! If you find a manual, please share it with the rest of us! Struggling to end my a with a mm for almost a year now (was seeing him for almost 2). Get out early is all I can say, especially if you want to remain in your marriage. I am not married, but have someone I would like to allow to be closer, but the relationship with the mm was in the way of that happening... not to mention all the garbage that went along with it. Found out mine was married after we had been seeing each other for a few weeks and I should have run and run fast, but did not. Fell in love with the man and shared so much of myself. It is not easy when you feel as though you are losing part of yourself. It is so darn hard to let them go. There were days when I thought that I could handle this whole relationship and that I would be ok with it, but could not. Have had some very ugly arguments as we struggle to end this. I can only speak for myself, but this a has pretty much taken the "spark" out of my personality. I have gained weight, lost interest in day-to-day life and was miserable as he resumed his life with his w (you know, unhappy marriage and all). If I may be wordy here, he was sucking the lifeblood out of me. However, I still think of him constantly and wonder what he is doing and all that. Always beating myself up about it too. How logical is that?

The people here are wonderful and will support you as you struggle with doing the right thing. I have faltered quite a bit over the past two weeks as I am ending my a. I look forward to being able to smile and really smile, not just paint it on. I have had some great advice from those here and we speak from the heart.

We are here for you as you start down the "ending" road....

Keep posting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
In reply to: g2ba
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 10:53pm
Hi g2ba,welcome to the board!!

I haven't been posting very long myself,but the support i have gotten from everyone has been soooooo helpful!!!I don't know that i can help you really,but i just had to respond after reading your post.

Your situation sounds so much how mine did when i first got tangled up in my A.I met him and there wasn't a day that went by that i didn't think of him,long for him,crave him..etc.etc.All of this at the same time wanting to call it off and be a wife to my H and mother to my 2 kids.I called it off several times and he called it off several times.even though he isn't married(divorced)..

Anyway,this A went on for almost 2 years and it ended 4 months ago.g2ba,if there is one thing i KNOW right now it's that i wish i could go back and erase that time of my life.The pain and suffering it has caused myself and my family is something i don't know that i will ever completely heal from.It hit somewhere so deep i don't know if i CAN move on totally and be who/what i once was.

The A went from being the typical "fling",or"thrill",to a lasting heartache that still rips a hole in my soul to this day.Did i love him?..YES!!!So much so that i was willing to walk out of a 7 yr marriage and throw my life,as well as my kids lives away for someone who never knew from one day to the next if he even loved me back.

I'm sure you've read alot of the posts on here,and i know you've read all the hurt,anger,pain and regret that most of us feel.It's overwhelming at times the lasting damage that this has done to me.I know he(om) loved me,but i made mistakes and he made mistakes,but the biggest mistake of all was ever allowing myself to begin an A to start with.

So many times i ask myself how i could regret loving someone who made me that happy for such a long time,but who also hurt me more than anyone in my life ever has.I regret tha damage it has done.To me,my Husband,my CHILDREN.I am so sad and guilt ridden over the hurt i caused them.I guess i'm rambling here,but i'm just trying to make a point i guess.In the end,it's just not worth it(to me anyway).I don't know if one day i'll look back and be able to smile over the love we shared or if it will always hurt.But for right now,i wish i would have walked away and never looked back the first time i ended it with him.I know i could have healed from it then a lot better than i am now.

I know the urges,the thoughts you have,the secret smiles you smile when you're alone in your mind with him,the excitement and butterflies he gives you with just the slightest word,i know all of that and i craved it just like you are doing right now.But i also know the hurt and pain,the tears that never seem to stop,the nights i want to stick a barrel of a gun in my mouth to make thet stop.THAT is what i know and THAT,is not worth and never has been worth an A.

I hope you find the strength you need and do what's right for you,g2ba.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
In reply to: g2ba
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 4:35am
g2ba, i like to think that coming to this board is already a first step in ending things and 'doing the right thing'. If you don't mind me asking, are you staying in your marriage because you honestly love your husband, or because 'of the kids'?

Everything you said rings true for all of us. How many times have I wished I could just take a magic pill that would remove my xOM out of my mind, because he consumed my thoughts 24 hours a day.

Well, time is the only pill I've found so far. If you find a faster alternative, you'll probably make a fortune from this board alone! LOL

NC is possible only through sheer willpower, but like you, I work with my xOM, so we have had to do the 'just be friends' thing. Very very hard, but I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm actually feeling happier than I did a couple of months ago when our affair tapered off, and considering how rock-bottom I was then, I have made progress thank you very much!

Things will never go back to the way things were though... I know I can never be the same person I was 12 months ago. Back then, everything was very simple - I was never attracted to other men, my husband was the centre of my universe, and I assumed it was likewise for him. But that aint' the case anymore, and I am learning to live with that. My xOM still stays on in my heart, although he does not occupy my thoughts 24 hours a day anymore (maybe ... 18 hours? haha). I adore my xOM, he was my rock when things were looking bad, and I will always be grateful for his friendship, but I have taken a hard look at myself and my life, and I realise that nobody can compare to my husband. With him I can be myself totally, and he accepts (and loves) me as a total package, flaws and all. And likewise for me. I intend to keep that in mind and work on making a new connection with him. I cannot regain our old connection because of what has happened, but I believe a NEW connection is possible.

There's still so much sexual tension between xOM and me, but we have to live with it. In time that too will go away and I look forward to being 60 years old when hopefully we will have no more libido, and then we can be friends in peace!

I am able to see the funny side of things now, when as recenlty as 2 months ago, I wanted to cry everyday but couldn't because I had to pretend everything was ok so that my husband would never find out how his wife lost her heart to someone else, for that would devastate him totally and I intend for him to NEVER ever know.

So, I'm not perfect, I still have issues to work through, but I'm happier ... I'm living proof that we can get through all this, so all my best to you, keep posting and we'll all help out.

Hugs to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
In reply to: g2ba
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 3:46pm
So, I'm not alone...all of your posts are like air. Thank you. I'm staying in the marriage because I do love my husband. I don't know what happened, I've never been attracted to anyone else. I haven't figured out the why yet. I did develop feelings for this mm. I know in my head he is not the life long partner that my husband is, but I would have probably given it a shot if he was interested. We talked about the brady bunch family we would have, me w/2 and him w/3. But he said from day one that he is a slave to his children and would never risk not being there to raise them. (no divorce for him) He also said that he'd been cheated on before w/both of his wives (hmm married twice, both cheated on him) and that he swore he would never do that. Day one. And then he kissed me. The most amazing passionate kiss I have ever experienced. Sound familiar? And yes, we work together, day in day out. Lots of little jokes etc. I did say he had to quit it with the flattery, the oh so obvious staring at my chest when we talk etc etc. I told him it was confusing, him saying it wasn't right, me agreeing and then both of us lamenting and sighing over what we really wanted to be doing.

My challenge is a 24h a day one. So much temptation, trying to find a loop hole in the what is right thing so that I can get what I want. And at the same time knowing it needs to stop.

That it would crush two families if they found out. I even went and saw a marriage counselor by myself to talk about it before anything went too far. She said DON'T DO IT it will only lead to ruin blah blah blah (that's me drowning her out because I already knew I wanted to do it and was going to do it) and of course she was right.

sigh.

so, today I left work early and did some christmas shopping for the boys. Oh, and worked out this morning...that does help. Of course while I'm sweating away in the gym I think about the mm and wonder if he'll ever get the chance to see my 'improvements'. It's like my head goes there and I catch it and try and bring it back to reality until the next time my mind wanders.

well, this has turned into quite a long response, if you made it this far, thank you.

I'm kinda selfish about the NC, want to do it, but not quite ready. It's like jumping into a cold lake, you know you should just jump in fast and get it over with; but I'm the one first sticking my toe in, then my foot, then jumping back out and fussing and trying the other toe etc.

I'm sooo glad you are all here.



see ya