T o exterra....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
T o exterra....
1
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 11:30pm
Exterra,i read your post about wanting/needing to say goodbye and i know exactly what you mean.When OM and i ended it,it was over the phone.We had gotten online and we started to argue(i knew for a couple days something wasn't right)..he signed off very quick and i called him.The conversation on the phone lasted maybe 10 minutes.with me crying and begging for answers and him being a cold,heartless bastard to me.From that day on it has been over and it's been killing me that we ended it like that.

I've asked so many times why he couldn't have come to me,face to face to say goodbye...how so much time and love that had passed didn't deserve more than that.It hasn't changed anything,exterra.It ended the way it ended and nothing could have made it any easier.

I still obsess about that everyday.I tell myself thing's would have been different,ended better had we talked face to face..i wanted the chance to say goodbye too..but in the end,i know it would have been harder maybe.


There are still days i want to call him so bad and ask him to meet me to "talk",to be able to look him in the eyes,to see if he's hurting too,to finally know if i meant anything to him.BUT,I know if i saw him right now or even talked to him i would slam right back into the gut wrenching pain i was feeling when it first ended.Yes,i still miss him and hurt,but it's NOTHING like it was.If i have learned anything at all in these last 4 months it's that when it really ends,when it's really over,no amount of talking or wondering what might have been will ever make it any better.It serves to make it worse i think.

A part of me still wishes we would have had that long,tear filled "goodbye talk",to say we would always be "friends",but i know it wouldn't have made it any easier.It ended the way it should have and i know i have to leave it alone.If he would have cared half as much as i, he would have driven the 60 miles that day to face me and be a man,but he did not and i have to accept that.

I wish you luck sweetie!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In reply to: solost27
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 9:48am
Thank you solost for your words of advice and encouragement. I just wish he could face me and say all those things....but I guess I'll never know what was the truth and what was a lie.

I've come to realize that XMM is a coward. I'll post a bit later explaining whats been happening the past couple of days between him and I. Thank you again for all your help.