I thought the rollercoaster would stop!
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I thought the rollercoaster would stop!
| Thu, 12-18-2003 - 9:47am |
I'm a newbie here, and here's the Reader's Digest version:
I'm a MW in an EMA for almost 4 years with a MM who started out as a friend (neighbor, actually), evolved into the A and stayed on a very even level (emotionally) for 3 years. Last year we started spending more time together, actually for very innocent reasons, but the time made us closer (imagine that!). Last spring he & his W separated, and things stayed pretty much the same, then they got back together (for the kids, they say) and still nothing really changed. Let me add here that we had very limited intimate contact throughout the first 3 years, then this past winter things got a little more frequent. About 3 months ago they separated again, this time, he said, for good. Ok, fine, I wasn't ready to leave my M, even though the thought had crossed my mind. Well, since he was no longer at home, and he was going through an emotional (I guess) crisis, we started talking on the phone more and more, then meeting several times a week for IC, and the next thing I knew we were exchanging "I love you's". Fine, I was holding up OK until Thanksgiving weekend when he moved back home again (for the kids, he says) and ever since it's been almost NC at all. I can understand if he wants to try to work things out at home (their split had nothing to do with us, although our friendship has always been a thorn in his W's side), but for things to be so very intense and then all of a sudden, nothing is driving me crazy. I've called him a few times, but he rarely returns my calls and that hurts. I have cried myself to sleep many a night because I keep thinking about things he said to me and the way we were together and I just don't understand why he couldn't just call me and say he couldn't see me for a while (or ever) because he needed to get things straight at home. If I could just have that closure, I think I might be ok, at least I'd feel better. Right now I feel hurt, used, ignored, sad, mad & depressed. I had thought about ending things for his sake so he could concentrate on what he wanted, not because I didn't want to continue, but now that it appears to be over, I am just crushed.
I know there's nothing anyone can say or do to help me, I guess it will just take time. It's just that we never really got to say "goodbye" that's bothering me. I know you all stress NC, but when your xMM lives right down the street, how do you accomplish that?
Thanks for letting me ramble!
Pony
I'm a MW in an EMA for almost 4 years with a MM who started out as a friend (neighbor, actually), evolved into the A and stayed on a very even level (emotionally) for 3 years. Last year we started spending more time together, actually for very innocent reasons, but the time made us closer (imagine that!). Last spring he & his W separated, and things stayed pretty much the same, then they got back together (for the kids, they say) and still nothing really changed. Let me add here that we had very limited intimate contact throughout the first 3 years, then this past winter things got a little more frequent. About 3 months ago they separated again, this time, he said, for good. Ok, fine, I wasn't ready to leave my M, even though the thought had crossed my mind. Well, since he was no longer at home, and he was going through an emotional (I guess) crisis, we started talking on the phone more and more, then meeting several times a week for IC, and the next thing I knew we were exchanging "I love you's". Fine, I was holding up OK until Thanksgiving weekend when he moved back home again (for the kids, he says) and ever since it's been almost NC at all. I can understand if he wants to try to work things out at home (their split had nothing to do with us, although our friendship has always been a thorn in his W's side), but for things to be so very intense and then all of a sudden, nothing is driving me crazy. I've called him a few times, but he rarely returns my calls and that hurts. I have cried myself to sleep many a night because I keep thinking about things he said to me and the way we were together and I just don't understand why he couldn't just call me and say he couldn't see me for a while (or ever) because he needed to get things straight at home. If I could just have that closure, I think I might be ok, at least I'd feel better. Right now I feel hurt, used, ignored, sad, mad & depressed. I had thought about ending things for his sake so he could concentrate on what he wanted, not because I didn't want to continue, but now that it appears to be over, I am just crushed.
I know there's nothing anyone can say or do to help me, I guess it will just take time. It's just that we never really got to say "goodbye" that's bothering me. I know you all stress NC, but when your xMM lives right down the street, how do you accomplish that?
Thanks for letting me ramble!
Pony

First let me say that anytime I have ever posted on any other board about any subject, I was ALWAYS welcomed by the board leader and usually several members. That has not happened here, which tells me alot.
When I found this board I thought it would help me to ease out of the relationship, but since no one has probably even bothered to read my post, I shall not return. I notice that there are no other posts that haven't been responded to, so I take that personally even though you don't know me. Obviously you don't care to. I would never recommend this site to anyone because of the way I have been ignored. Hope you all get the support you are looking for, because I certainly didn't.
So, my two cents on the situation. There really is no way to ease out of these relationships. We have to start and maintain no contact and it is one of the most painful things we have to do. You were not ready to end your marriage and even though he left his, he is back again. Your relationship cannot happen right now. How do we have "closure" on a relationship that was not real... meaning, a secret relationship. The feelings are real, the hurt is real but the fact is that we cannot share our pain openly, especially if we are married. I am single, so I am able to cry, scream and all that and my so won't wonder what is going on.
Maintaining nc is so hard to do, and I cannot imagine how hard it would be if he were a neighbor. My xmm moved away from here back to his w and home state because of a job loss here. I don't think he really had any intentions of staying near me permanently since he made no move toward divorce during the time we saw each other. So, for me, the nc involves the phone calls, emails and messenger messages. I have blocked his email addresses (the ones I know of), cancelled two messenger services (still have yahoo.. have not blocked him on that yet), and I won't change my phone numbers! He has called and hung up many, many times. I think that sooner or later, he will get the message and stop trying to call. I don't answer my home phone half the time and now leave the cell off, unless I am out. I do need the cell in case my kids need to reach me.
Please don't give up on this board and the good people here. You will gain so much insight from reading the other posts and know that you are not alone in your pain and there is a place you can go to vent where you will not be judged as being the "other woman".
We loved these mm (or mw) with all of our hearts and the pain is very real at the ending.
Please stay with us.
Good luck....
Edited 12/22/2003 3:56:33 PM ET by i_am_tired
I don't think NC will work for you given that you're neighbors. I suggest you keep future conversations on the same wavelength as you do with all the other married neighbor men you live near. It will take time to get over the intensity of the affair you had.
Neither you or xMM is in a position or willing to put yourself into a position to have anything more than what you had. So why put your energy into a dead-end relationship? If your marriage doesn't work for you, either address the issues and stay or be honest with yourself and leave. Same for xMM. Unless you believe that it's more satisfying to live in drama, I don't think you'll gain from continuing to give this former relationship anymore attention beyond learning from it and letting it go......
jmhoo,
cl-nre
Our friendship is resuming, the turmoil of feelings have died down, and we are able to function with clearer minds. One thing I did was to write a letter to him, but never send it. It was very therapeutic for me, and maybe you should try it too. I wrote it using a password-protected word document. Everytime I had the urge to call him, I either posted on this board or wrote in that unsent letter. The letter is now 18 pages long! I used to write in it several times a day, but I haven't written in it for almost a week, simply because I no longer feel confused. It took months and months though, I must warn you.
It may be hard, but hang in there with this minimal contact for a while. If you have to see him everyday because he's your neighbor, don't INITIATE contact. Hold your head up and smile and act confident, even if you feel like you're dying inside. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to take a step back and take time out from your friendship with him. If you really are true friends, you WILL resume your friendship in the future.
Actually, I was ready to end my marriage, not for him, but because of alot of things that have happened through the years, but I'm trying to work on things and make it better. It's hard, though, because even though my H did some things he shouldn't have, he didn't do anything like I did and I (sometimes) feel like I should tell him, but I know that would be a huge mistake since he knows MM, too. H has suspected all along that MM & I had more going on than friendship, and has made comments to not just me but him, too about it, but we convinced him (and I'm sure he convinced himself, too) that we are just friends. It is really hard with MM living so close; his kids are at my house almost every day and even his dog hangs out at my house, so how do I ignore it? It's getting a little easier, though. The last "good" conversation we had was on Thanksgiving day, and we have talked only 2-3 times since. I have all these conversations with him in my head, but I know they'll never happen. Sometimes I want to cuss him out and other times I just want him to know how bad he hurt me.
Anyhoo, thanks again for your support. I really am glad I found this board because it's helped seeing others in my boat.
Pony
My pain has eased some, I get time does heal all wounds.
Thanks,
Pony
I had to remind myself that an affair is just that and will never be anything more or less. The problem comes in when our hearts get involved and we feel we need an explanation, when truth is, the only one that MMs have to answer to is their Ws.
Your MM needs space to work on his M. He also feels bad about you and him. He is blocking all that out right now so he can work on his M. He feels that you don't deserve the way he's treated you and stays away bc he doesn't want to hurt you anymore. When women say "we need to talk" men cringe. It's like "now what", like they're in trouble or something. He knows he will hear those words from you so guess what, don't go there. Just let this whole thing go, affairs are for the moment, they could be here today, gone tomorrow. Just like me, you're married, he's married. No one is going anywhere. Just be a friend and try to limit things to the brain and not the heart which is easier said than done. It could never be anything more than what it was so move on. Life actually gets better! In the meantime, keep posting and reading. It will help you thru the tough times when you're feeling like you've been used and abused.
Luvin
If you find the secret, let me know it!!
love,
ns