I hate myself..........
Find a Conversation
I hate myself..........
| Thu, 12-18-2003 - 10:45am |
I never thought that when I got involved with my single OM I would ever be going through this. I know he wanted a relationship with me. He was always hoping I would divorce my H so we could see each other seriously. Well 7 months later, I am still married and no divorce in sight. My OM and I have tapered off. He was so into me intensely now I rarely hear from him, but we are still not officially over. I guess that is his way of forgetting about how serious we were and his way of covering his feelings if he has any left for me. Well here I am....I am miserable. I know he wasn't the man for me, but I had these feelings for him I never thought I would. He was a little something different in my life. I feel like I am kidding myself, telling myself I am going to be ok. I try to forget, but with him being single, I know he is probably dating again, and it hurts to picture him with someone else, doing what we did and him saying the nice things he used to say to me.
Then I tell myself maybe I deserve to hurt. I was unfaithful to a wonderful loving husband. I told him what I did and it hurt him so bad. Maybe this is payback for being such an awful wife. My H asked me if I would ever do it again, I told him I didn't know. I could see the look of pain and hurt in his eyes. I'm not sure if I would ever do it again. I don't think I would, the pain after is too great. I hate myself. I should have walked away and never stayed to meet my OM. I hate myself for not having enough guts to call my OM and tell him that he wanted me first and that I know he still cares about me regardless of his distance. I hate myself for what I did. I think every single day of what is next in my life and what I have done. I hate myself for letting this man have such control of my emotions after being such a strong and independent woman all these years. Sometimes I feel like I should leave my H so he could find a wonderful woman he deserves. I don't know what to do next. I have been to a marriage counselor alone, it doesn't help. They listen, but ultimately I am the one who has to make my own decisions. All I know is right now I wish I could run away and start over.......I hate myself
Then I tell myself maybe I deserve to hurt. I was unfaithful to a wonderful loving husband. I told him what I did and it hurt him so bad. Maybe this is payback for being such an awful wife. My H asked me if I would ever do it again, I told him I didn't know. I could see the look of pain and hurt in his eyes. I'm not sure if I would ever do it again. I don't think I would, the pain after is too great. I hate myself. I should have walked away and never stayed to meet my OM. I hate myself for not having enough guts to call my OM and tell him that he wanted me first and that I know he still cares about me regardless of his distance. I hate myself for what I did. I think every single day of what is next in my life and what I have done. I hate myself for letting this man have such control of my emotions after being such a strong and independent woman all these years. Sometimes I feel like I should leave my H so he could find a wonderful woman he deserves. I don't know what to do next. I have been to a marriage counselor alone, it doesn't help. They listen, but ultimately I am the one who has to make my own decisions. All I know is right now I wish I could run away and start over.......I hate myself

My situation is similar in some ways. I am the single one who was involved with a mm. When it became evident to me that he was not going to get a divorce, I did start seeing someone else, who is also single. Although I have kept that poor man at arm's length, I think my reasons were to try and break away from the mm. I don't know if you spoke of divorce to your sm, but the man I saw told me over and over again that he would be getting a divorce, when the time was right. It got to the point that I knew he was not going to get a divorce and I knew I had to move on. One thing I always told him was that if he wanted a divorce bad enough, he would get one. They had no children and already had a division of assets in place with their attorney, because they almost divorced about 10 years ago. I know this man loves his w, but he also loved me. I felt tremendous guilt at seeing the other man, but I know it is better for me to try and move on because I don't foresee a divorce, much less a future with him. Besides that, once a divorce happens, there needs to be healing time. I was divorced after a 22 year marriage. MM had nothing to do with that, I did not meet him until I had been divorced for over a year.
I am just trying to give you another perspective on the situation. Don't hate yourself, but understand that the single man should be able to try and move on, if you are staying in your marriage. Only you can make that decision. I know that the mm I was involved with was/is very jealous of the fact that I am seeing someone and I fight that battle within myself, but it is not fair for the married party to expect the single one to wait. I had backed off from mm and his move back last summer to his home state kind of sealed our fate. I am still trying to stay with the nc thing and it is very difficult. I do love the man and even though he was a moody s.o.b., I still loved him. He understands that I had to move on and I respect his choice for not divorcing. Still has not made the nc any easier. He continued to go off on me about stuff until Monday. Since then, there has been little contact. He has messaged me, but I am not responding.
You don't deserve to hurt. I told myself that I deserve all the pain I am in right now because now his w knows part of the story with us, but not the whole story. He always described his w as a wonderful woman... not an ugly type person at all. There is something missing in your marriage that brought you to someone else. A therapist can help you, it is their job to draw it out of you. When I was in therapy, I did most of the talking and the therapist steered the conversation and I wound up solving my own problems....
Hang in there arcy, you are a good person who got involved in a not-so-good situation. You do have children to consider and, as you describe it, a loving, wonderful husband, who has apparently forgiven you. Try to focus on deciding whether or not your marriage can be saved and, if not, then contact the sm after a divorce happens. I did tell my xmm that he could contact me after a divorce, and his response was, "will you wait?". I told him I would make no promises, because a divorce would not because of me or our relationship and I don't know where I will be when his divorce happens, if it happens.
I am feeling stronger today than I have all week. Maybe it will work for me this time.
I hope this helps some.
Our situations are very similiar. My OM wanted me to D H but I just couldn't. I told him it would take time. OM moved away after almost a yr. I think the only difference being I didn't tell my H.
It does hurt very badly. But DON'T hate yourself. We all make mistakes. Every one of us. We've just got to learn from our mistakes and try to come out stronger. And maybe this will wake you up to what you really want in a marriage.
I also seemed to have the "perfect" M and kids but had the EMA for the first time after 20+ yrs of M. I still can't say I regret it. Maybe because it's still so fresh. But I don't hate myself. I know for some reason it was what I needed. Forgive yourself and get stronger. You can still be happy!
-careful