Hard to just accept that they were lying

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Hard to just accept that they were lying
3
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 12:05pm
NRE said something in another post that has really impacted me. He said that you have to first try to accept that the xMM/MW were lying to you all along. Why is that so hard? I struggle with that so much. I have rationalized and made excuses for my xMM. The reality of the situation is that he probably was lying to me for 5 years. I know that, in his mind, it was not lying and he will say that he wanted to believe it. However, there are MM and MW out there that make it clear from the start that they have no intention of leaving their spouses or family. Then, there are others that say over and over what they know we want to hear without giving any real thought to actually following through. I saw it in my xMM. His actions rarely supported his words, yet I fell for those words every single time. It is so very hard to accept that you were lied to. Maybe that is the first real step towards healing. NRE was right. It does hurt deeply to acknowledge that.

He also said (NRE) something else that I have been pondering. He said that when all of the S*&**%%$T hits the fan (not in those words) that is the perfect time to just go forward and be honest with yourself and live the kind of life that you really want. Instead, most of the MM/MW freak and go back to the marriage. In the process, they say horrible hurtful things and make the OW/OM feel like they are just disposable. I guess that is another sign of lying. The real intention to be with OW/OM was never there to begin with.

Lostit


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 12:10pm
Very well said.

Actions do speak louder than words and sometimes reality sucks. I was also told he would be with me, but when push came to shove, he is back living in his marriage.

Yes, it is time to start the healing process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 2:09am
I agree they were all lies that is what I had to finally accept. I had to quit asking why and was it real. If I believed it I would never know how he could have left me. And also when the crap hits the fan they run where it is safe. Usually back to wives or husbands. This confirmes that nothing was ever real and most affairs are all fantasy. And very short lived even if it is for 5 yrs.

Just my opinion

Cali~

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 9:38am
Okay, I'm going to play devil's advocate on this one.........I was the married person having an affair with a single OM. I do not think that I lied to him. I think that I had to make a decision. WHen I told XOM that i was going to leave my H I really did mean it. I wanted to so badly. But to say it and actually DO IT are two different things. Eventually I did'nt (and I thank God right now that I did not)...I don't think that EVERY married man that tells his mistress that he is leaving is a liar. He's just a confused and pathetic soul. You take a chance when you agree to wait for a person to leave their spouse. There is no garantee that he/she will actually do it...and then you have to deal with the hardships that follow when you see a family break up....the lawyers, the adjustments thekids have to make , the financial problems....the frustration and heartache. Some people do it, some choose not to. BUT let us not stereotype all married men as being liars and schiesters. I certainly did not lie to XOM...he always told me that if there was a chance I could work things out with H that i should for the children. When I actually tried to do that he got angry at me and acted like a moron. Come to find out the real liar in our relationship was HIM, but thats a different Lifetime movie.

just my two cents.

Jazzdiva