Questions that are driving me nuts......
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| Thu, 12-18-2003 - 12:32pm |
- Why do the wives forgive and take them back??????
- Are we to blame 100% (as my XMM and his wife says) for the A?
- Was everything a lie? After the A was over, he said that everything he ever said to me was a lie and I never meant a thing to him. But days later he said he only said those things for his wifes benefit. Do all men feel and act this way?
- As intelligent woman, why weeks, some people months after the A we waste time and energy on these men? They don't deserve it, yet we still do it.
- What made me such an easy target for this XMM? Not once but twice. 8 years ago and again 2 years ago. In total I've spent 3 years in an affair with the XMM.
- Will I ever get over him?
- And finally, does anyone have a magic pill to stop us from still caring?? I know that I will always care about XMM and yes even worry about him.
Thanks for your input and please feel free to add your unanswered questions.
Xterra
Edited 12/18/2003 1:22:11 PM ET by xterra2003

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Why in the world did I think he was telling ME the truth when I knew he was lying to his
other GF? (My OM is not married)
I still deep down refuse to believe he was lying to me.
About the magic pill...here's the sad thing...if the pill were lying in front of me I'm
not so sure I would take it.
Good questions! Maybe someone can answer them!
-Careful
Xterra, I don't know the answers to all of your questions, but I thought I will let you know it does get easier as time passes by. You will get over him if you can keep up the no contact rule. Men can say a lot things that they don't mean, don't let his opinions/thoughts after the end affect you this way. It not always the OW's fault. Its his way of
Saw you on the other board right before you came here but I haven't been on too much. I'll try to answer your questions "logically" and not emotionally.
MMs feel "safe" in their marriages. They just get bored, are men, and want to try something "new" every now and then, then run back to their "safe house" so to speak when things heat up.
My xMMs W has always taken him back and always will. There are a lot of women out there who are afraid they'll end up alone and so they "settle" for what they are getting. It's easier for them to believe it's the OW's fault for their H having an A as if all we do is prey on MMs. They believe their MMs are innocent and fell weak to a seductive woman's cleverness.
I think MMs get so wrapped up in lying that they can't differentiate the two. They may say things they feel at the moment, but later don't mean what they said because that moment has passed. It only is what they think/feel at any given moment and may not be how they truly feel.
Why do we expend valuable time and energy on these MMs? That, I don't know. Here I am and I should be making $$$ and I'm on the Internet searching for answers myself. I think men and women have affairs for different reasons which explains why some women find themselves in one affair after another, trying to find passion, fill a void in their hearts/souls. Men come across as being sex addicts who, from my research, is not really about sex but about filling an emotional void that feels like it's being met thru sex. I don't think EMAs are about sex, but about emotional voids being met by eachother.
Why are we such easy targets? We have emotional voids, some deeper than others. We've been hurt and along comes Dr. Feelgood, with drugs. We become emotionally "addicted".
Will I ever get over him? Yes, you will. Takes time and patience.
Will I ever stop caring? I'm a very caring person by nature and so for me the answer will probably be no. MM has these eyes that make me melt and all he has to do is give me this look and it's curtains.
If you find that magic pill, email some to me.
Hugs Luvin
They don't "always" go back.....I left and didn't go back.....
As for your other items and my 2cents:
Why does he keep going back if hes cheated most of the marriage????
Because he is a cake-eater and his wife probably has a self-esteem issue and allows him to treat her as a doormat.
- Why do the wives forgive and take them back??????
Usually because of kids and wanting a whole home OR because the problems get talked through......
- Are we to blame 100% (as my XMM and his wife says) for the A?
There is no such thing as 100% blame when an affair happens in a marriage.
- Was everything a lie? After the A was over, he said that everything he ever said to me was a lie and I never meant a thing to him. But days later he said he only said those things for his wifes benefit. Do all men feel and act this way?
No, not everything was a lie. At the time you meant something to him. Companionship, kindness, sex, relief. You were there, so only you know what he was feeling or saying to you at the time. And yes, when caught, most people will deny, deny, deny until they die and lie and say anything they need to say in order to get angry spouse to let up on them. Easier to "blame" that OW for all the cause of the affair. It is a game and a lie and it sounds like a broken record. Most men, myself included for 10 years, act this way until the point in time when the lies are too much and only truth starts coming out of their mouths. At the point the truth comes out, very few marriages survive the candor.
- As intelligent woman, why weeks, some people months after the A we waste time and energy on these men? They don't deserve it, yet we still do it.
Women are wired differently and respond to the world much differently than men do. I'll save space and refer you over to John Gray's Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus for a detailed comparison. And , no, the men don't deserve the attention.
- What made me such an easy target for this XMM? Not once but twice. 8 years ago and again 2 years ago. In total I've spent 3 years in an affair with the XMM.
"Easy target"? Only you can really answer that one. Why do you characterize yourself as a target, let alone easy one?
Can you please explain what you mean when you wrote:
"At the point the truth comes out, very few marriages survive the candor."
Are you talking about candor about the reasons for the affair or candor about the particulars of the affair, candor about the main reltionship?
Hope this helps.
"At the point the truth comes out, very few marriages survive the candor."
Are you talking about candor about the reasons for the affair or candor about the particulars of the affair, candor about the main reltionship?
It is my belief that there are factors that lead to participation in an affair in the first place. (I'm writing about long-term affairs here, not one-time weak moments.)
Those factors that precede an affair are used by a participant to justify looking for someone else, succumbing to temptation and then continuation of the clandestine relationship. I believe that married or committed affair participants continue the affair because something is missing from their primary relationship and the primary relationship does not have a communication system in place that embraces open truth between the parters. Hence the justification for keeping a secret, even an affair, in order to assuage hurt feelings or perceptions.
I think it is NEVER right to disclose the "particulars" of the affair, particularly from a woman to a man. Men are visual creatures, i.e., they respond to visual imagery much more so than women. Telling the "particulars" gives visualization to the situation and I believe most men react strongly negatively to visualizing their partner in such a manner. It is also my personal experience that an affair "confessor" is at a distinct disadvantage in the rebuilding process by giving over to the BS the internal power of the relationship by acceding to every demand of the BS. I think it is better that any acknowledgement be general in nature only. I also re-emphasize that I do not believe you should ever tell your partner about your affair. If the affair is truly in the past, I believe it is better to learn form the experience of the affair and keep your mouth shut about it to your spouse/partner. They may forgive you, however, they will NEVER forget the affair and it can and most likely will come up in the heat of an argument some ten or twenty years later. That's what my ex-w did with me.
Xterra you know I have done so many crazy things and have probably been the craziest on the board and lord knows you know the hell I am going through now BUT I do know this. Asking questions over and over about why will bever solve or help you understand why. You have to figure out how to move on about something that may always remain a mystery. That was some of my problem reading his wives boards so there would be no mystery about what was going on but it was nothing but misery and pain for me. As hard as it was to quit reading I actually felt better. Not wonderful, not joy but no more getting sick to my stomach.
Understand????
Love ya girl
Cali~
- WHY DO MEN ALWAYS GO BACK TO THE WOMAN (WIFE) THEY'VE CHEATED ON? GB told me why he went back to/stayed with Ms. GB.
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